A Model Marriage
by Louise Lewin
Summary: Life isn't perfect, even when you're a world-famous model; just ask Bella Swan. Her marriage to husband Edward is heading for the rocks, but will the ultimate betrayal occur and force them apart forever? Rated 'M'. A/H.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Reading back, I realise this is a slow start. I considered changing it, but frankly I'd rather get on with the story, so please forgive me!**

**Disclaimer for story: All recognisable characters belong to S Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.**

**Enjoy!**

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**Chapter 1**

**BPOV**

"I am not wearing this, Alice," I hissed, holding up the skimpy black bra made from French Chantilly lace.

"Bella, you know these aren't my orders," she sighed. "You have to take it up with Aro. Speak of the devil." She nodded to the window of the trailer.

I followed her gaze to see my boss coming towards us, cutting a dark, ominous figure against the mountainous pre-alpine backdrop of Lake Como.

He knocked on the door, and I pulled my robe tighter around me before he burst in.

"Bella, you're due out in 10 minutes!" he exclaimed. "Why aren't you ready?"

"I can't wear this scrap of lace," I insisted. "You know I don't like it, and my husband-"

"Your husband should suck it up and deal with it," he said bluntly. "This is your job. Need I remind you, you are under contract here?"

No, he didn't need to remind me. Everything I did was because I was trapped in a contract. Currently I was on a shoot at the Italian lake for FHM magazine. I had been styled in increasingly raunchy lingerie throughout the morning, the current garment being Agent Provocateur's range Black/Kiss.

"Bella," he continued, "this is a massive spread for you_. _You're going to be on the front cover of FHM, for fuck's sake!"

"I never wanted to accept this, Aro," I protested. "You made me."

He shrugged unashamedly. "You're the hottest commodity around, Bella; I'm doing _my_ job. Now get out there and do yours."

He turned on his heel and slammed his way out of the trailer, his long black hair swishing behind him.

Alice held out the ridiculous excuse for a bra, with matching barely-there panties, and I dropped my shoulders in defeat.

Perhaps I should tell you a bit more about myself? I'm Bella Cullen, nee Swan. It's by my maiden name that I'm known in the modelling industry. I used to love my job; to me modelling is art. I always appreciated it, but it wasn't until high school that I began with a few shoots after being picked up by a local agency. I enjoyed it, but then it was more of a hobby than anything else.

The big change happened when I made the move to NYU. I studied literature, but still found time to do my modelling, and it certainly helped pay the bills. I didn't struggle like a lot of students did. During my first year, I was approached by a tiny, fairy sized girl with black spiky hair, and she introduced herself as Alice Cullen. As a junior at the Fashion Institute of Technology, she was two years older than me, and was majoring in fashion styling, with modules in make-up artistry.

She asked me to be a model for a shoot her group were doing as part of their course, and I happily agreed. I was thrilled she had sought me out. We became good friends as we talked over our shared interest, and one day I went back to her place to go over the shots.

It was that day that I met my future husband.

Edward Cullen was Alice's twin brother, although they looked nothing alike. He was tall, muscular without being too bulky, with a sharp jawline and a head of unruly bronze hair. His green, vibrant eyes danced, and when I looked into them I felt I had found everything I had ever wanted.

He asked me, quite shyly, out on a date, and we quickly became inseparable. He was my first love; in fact he was my first everything.

People were often surprised if they found out I was a virgin; as if because I was a model, that somehow meant I flaunted myself and was a slut. That couldn't have been further from the truth. I wasn't vain, but I had enough confidence to say I had a good body, which I worked hard to maintain. That didn't mean I jumped into bed with every guy I saw or even fancied. To me, there was a world of difference between modelling and sharing your body with someone you loved.

And I found that with my Edward.

My career seemed to propel itself forward quickly, and by the end of college I was signed onto one of the most prestigious modelling agencies in the business- Volturi. I brought Alice with me as my stylist and make-up artist and she was building a big name for herself. I loved my job at first, but now it was a chore. I hated travelling the globe for shoots; I always missed Edward so much.

Luckily I was leaving the US less and less, but things with Edward were getting...fraught. He seemed to be increasingly ill at ease with my job. The rows were growing more frequent and our physical distance ever greater. I didn't even know why that was nowadays; I still wanted him just as much as always.

Part of me was just so tired of being a 'sex symbol' at work, that home was the only place I felt I could be comfortable. I didn't have to bother with fancy clothes or hair or make up. I often considered a life away from the camera.

I pulled on the bra and panties, tying a robe around me when I was finished. Alice sat me back down and did the final touches on my smoky black eye make-up.

"There, you're done," she told me. "I know you don't like it, Bella, but you're good at your job. You're a true professional. Let's do this."

I nodded and she gave me a smile as we headed out the trailer.

"Bella, sweetie!" Peter called as I removed my robe. "You look amazing!

"Thanks, Pete," I replied. "Where d'you want me?"

"We're going to start by the rocks there," he told me as he led me to the boulders and began 'arranging' me in front of them, lying on my side. "I want to start this time with your hair splayed out like this-" he moved my mahogany locks so they fell correctly over my shoulders, "- and I want this shot to be playful."

I followed his instructions and we did some more shots on the shingle beach shore of the glittering lake under the clear blue sky.

"Okay, Bella," he continued. "Now I'd like you in the water. If you can go in up to mid-thigh, dip below the surface, then come back up. Your hair will be wet and tousled, and your eye make-up smudged and running. It will look fab-u-_lous_!" He clapped his hands together as I stood stock still.

"But-"

Aro shot me a warning look, and Alice looked sympathetic as she stripped to her bikini. We waded into the warm water, as Peter continued to adjust his camera.

He gave me a nod and I dipped under the water. When I came back up, Alice adjusted strands of my hair before moving out of the shot.

"Okay, now cross over your arms behind your head, Bella," Peter instructed. "I want this to ooze sex. Make it intense."

I closed my eyes, imagining Edward. Our passion for each other, our love making, the kinky, deviant fucking. He was the only one who made me burn with lust, and I had to go to this place in my head to get the look across.

Normally, the only side effect this would give me would be damp panties, but now… now I growing increasingly melancholy over the fact our sex life had dwindled. I missed my husband, missed our intimacy, missed his touch.

The growing distance between us was making my heart ache.

"I said sexy, not sad!" Peter yelled. I closed my eyes again, and tried to push my feelings away. I concentrated just on the memory of Edward's toned, sculpted abs, his muscular thighs, his big hard cock…

"That's it, Bella! Perfect!" Peter shouted. "Give me even more! Pout for me slightly, sweetheart…brilliant…now pull on the front of the bra as you smoulder."

I continued to follow his instructions and posed for the camera. Between rolls, Alice came over to 'fix' my wet hair and my artfully smeared make up.

"Okay, I think we've got it, Bella," Peter said finally. "Smokin' hot, girl. This is going to fly off the shelves."

I was handed a toweling robe as I got out the water. I hurried to my trailer with Alice close on my heels.

"That wasn't so bad, was it?" she asked tentatively. She knew how much I disliked my job. It seems like such a glamorous lifestyle, but it was no longer what I yearned for. I knew how lucky I was to have this opportunity, but I wanted to concentrate on building a life with my husband. We had looked over ways I could possibly get out of it, but I could potentially be sued for breach of contract. I couldn't wait for it to be up.

I shrugged in response to Alice, as I slipped out of the wet underwear and back into my robe. Alice sat me down in the chair and set to work removing the smeared, black make up from my face.

"At least we can relax this afternoon," she pointed out.

"Yeah," I smiled. "I need a stiff drink after that. Edward's going to hate it, Ali."

"I never thought I'd be agreeing with Aro on anything," she muttered, "but my brother _does _need to suck it up and deal with it."

I frowned as there was a knock at the door. "Please don't be Aro," I prayed silently, as Alice shouted, "Come in!"

I looked around to see Angela Webber, one of the agency assistants popping her head around the door.

"Awesome shoot, Bella," she said as she came in, closing the door behind her. Are we girls going to hit the pool this afternoon?" she asked.

"Try and stop me," I laughed. Angela was a great friend from the agency, someone who disliked the bosses, Aro, Caius and Marcus, as much as I did. She often travelled with me on shoots. She was tall and slender with long dark hair and oriental features. She was also a born organizer, like Alice, and she tied everything together perfectly. No detail was ever forgotten.

When we were back at the decadent Hotel Larius, we all changed into our bikinis and headed for the luxurious, sparkling pool overlooking the gorgeous Italian lake. The deep blue water shone in the late April sunshine.

We applied sunscreen and lay on the padded loungers, as the waiter brought us Bellini's. For some, this may have been a wonderful memory to take away; basking in the spring Italian sunshine next to one of the most beautiful lakes in the world whilst drinking sparkling wine cocktails.

But for me, nothing could come close to another memory I had of this place.

Flashback

_Edward and I were away celebrating my graduation from NYU at a luxurious hotel on the shores of Lake Como. I was in our hotel suite getting ready for dinner, while Edward had gone to take a phone call. I presumed it was work; it had been difficult for him to get time off from his law firm._

_I was wearing a floaty, deep blue, embellished halterneck dress to mid-thigh, and my hair was gathered up loosely. I was about to go find Edward when my phone beeped._

_**B- Meet me on the terrace- E xoxo**_

_I threw on my matching heels and grabbed my clutch before heading out of the room. It was our second night here, and the previous evening the terrace had been full of couples dining in the fading sunlight. I was surprised therefore, to hear complete silence as I made my way out of the hotels big glass doors. There were tea lights and lanterns everywhere, adding to the dwindling orange light of the Italian sunset behind the mountains. It cast a shimmering reflection across the deep blue water, and Edward stood dressed in a white shirt and black dress pants, gazing out upon the scene, leaning against the railing._

_When he heard me approach, he turned around grinning broadly as he wrapped me in his arms._

"_This is so beautiful, Edward," I whispered._

"_You're so beautiful, my Bella," he murmured back. "From the first moment I saw you, you took my breath away." He looked me deep in the eyes. "I knew I loved you then, but every day I love you more and more. You are everything to me, and I want to spend my life making you realize that. He pulled out a ring box from his pocket and got to one knee. "Please let me love you forever, in the way you deserve to be loved. Isabella Marie Swan, will you do me the honour_ _of consenting to be my wife?" He opened the box to reveal a stunning, sparkling Marquise diamond on a platinum band._

_My eyes were blurry and he looked so nervous. Through my tears, I smiled widely as I nodded. "Yes, yes I'll marry you, Edward!" I exclaimed as he stood up and lifted me into his arms with a beaming smile on his face. _

_He held me tightly, before pulling back to wipe my tears. "I love you so much, Bella," he murmured as he brought his lips tenderly to mine. When we broke apart, he carefully took the ring from its box and slid it home onto my ring finger, where it would stay for the rest of my life…_

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**As I said, a slow start. Daily posts for now. **

**Please review, but please may I ask, no flames.**

**Am now back on fb (Louise Lewin), and a new AMM group is up. Links on my profile!**

**Much love xxx**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for your reviews and enthusiasm, and to A Jasper For Me for all her hard work beta'ing :)**

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**Chapter 2**

**BPOV**

Edward and I were married 18 months after his proposal, just before Christmas. The wedding was small but beautiful, taking place in a church near Edward's parents' house in the Hamptons. I was 24 at the time, and we had now been married for almost two and a half years. As they say, time flies…

I was brought out of my reverie by my iPhone ringing. I snatched it up, hoping to see Edward's name flashing up on the screen, but alas I saw my brother's accompanied with a goofy photo he had taken of himself.

"Hey, Em," I answered.

"_Hey, little sis. How are things in Italia?"_

"They're okay," I grumbled. "We're just sitting by the pool having a drink."

"_Sounds terrible, Bells,"_ he laughed. "_Heaven forbid you spend an afternoon in warm sunshine with alcohol served to you."_

"Har har. Anyway, how are you guys? How's my little nephew?" I asked. Emmett and his wife Rosalie had a three year old son, Luka, and were trying for another baby.

"_We're fine. Luka is missing his aunt Bella, though,"_ he replied. "_I promised he could say Hi, can I pass him over?"_

"Sure."

"_Auntie Bewwa!"_ Luka yelled.

"Hey, buddy!"

"_Daddy sayed you're in 'Talia."_

"That's right, but I'll be back tomorrow," I told him. "I'll bring you back a present."

"_Yay! Auntie Bewwa, I'm pwaying with Brady today at his house."_

"Wow!" I enthused. "Be a good boy, won't you?"

"_I pwomise. Bye!"_

"Bye, Luka."

"_So, you're missing Edward, huh?"_ Emmett said when he came back on the line.

"Emmett, he's my husband, of course I'm missing him," I said sadly. "He might be trying to call before work, so can I get your annoying ass off the phone?"

He bellowed with laughter. "_Okay, Bells. See you on Saturday. Love you."_

"Love you too, Em," I replied and ended the call.

Emmett was four years older than me, and the most protective big brother there ever was. We had lived in Forks, Washington State, all our lives with our father Charlie. Our mother, Renee left when I was one year old, to 'find herself'. She travelled the world while my father struggled with a job and raising two young children. Renee was now remarried to a minor league baseball player, and living in Jacksonville. I rarely spoke to her, and Emmett never did. I partly blamed myself for her leaving; after all, she had stayed until I was born. Would things have been different if there had been just the three of them? I blamed myself for my father having a broken heart. One he never recovered from.

Emmett left for NYU when I was just beginning high school. I cried for days; he had always there to share private jokes with over the dinner table, to give me hugs when I was feeling down or to make me laugh with an inappropriate comment. He would leave messages outside my door, and I'd make him extra cookies.

He made sure to visit but it was never the same, and when he met the stunning Rosalie at college, I knew he would never return to Forks. Rose was a little intimidating at first as she was a very strong character and I knew Emmett was crazy about her. She was tall and slim with long blonde hair down her back, and sparkling blue eyes. My initial fear proved to be unfounded, though; it turned out she was just as nervous meeting me as I was her. We got on really well and I always missed them both so much when they left to go back to school.

So, when the time came for college applications, I knew there was only one place I was headed; New York. I got accepted at NYU and began my freshman year as Emmett got a job as football coach at a high school.

I felt guilty for leaving Charlie. That guilt had never really left me because during my junior year, he passed away suddenly from a heart attack. Ever since, Emmett had become increasingly protective over me. He always made sure to berate me when I started blaming myself, to joke with me when I was down, and he even walked me down the aisle on my wedding day.

I had taken a semester off on compassionate leave after my father's death, and Emmett had done the same from his job. We used the time to get everything in order back in Washington, go through the house, and finally sell our childhood home.

We weren't poor, but had never been rich, so it came as a massive surprise to learn Charlie had a substantial life insurance policy that left Emmett and I comfortably off. He was always looking after us.

I was thankful Charlie had met Edward, so he knew I was happy and I had someone who loved me. Edward later told me he had asked my father for my hand in marriage just before he died, but decided to wait until after college to propose. He had been my rock throughout the months after Charlie's passing, and he continued to be. God, I really wanted to speak to him right now.

"What's got you looking so sad, Bella?" Alice asked me.

"Nothing," I lied, "I'm just going to call Edward. Maybe I can catch him before he gets into work."

I dialed his cell but it rang until it went to voicemail; I didn't really expect him to be able to pick up. He had a big case on at the moment so he probably went in early.

"Hey, baby, it's me," I said after the beep. "I just wanted to hear your voice. Call me back when you get this. I love you."

I put the phone down and lay back on my lounger.

"So, Bella," Angela started, "are you looking forward to the interview tomorrow?"

I groaned. Tomorrow morning was the interview that would be accompanying the spread. "Not particularly, Ang," I admitted. "You know it's not me, but I'm Aro's puppet for now."

"Girl, when you move agencies, bring me with you," she laughed.

"Don't forget me," Alice piped up as she waved over the waiter to refill her glass.

The afternoon was blissfully relaxing as the sun warmed my skin. I took a dip in the turquoise water of the swimming pool, wishing my husband was here to share the view with me.

At about 6 o'clock, we decided to head back up to our rooms.

"Bella, you're coming out with us all tonight, right?" Angela asked as we paused outside our doors.

"Will Aro be there?"

"Please," she waved me off, "he'll probably be in his mansion counting his money."

I laughed but shook my head. "Na, I'm going to take a rain check."

They groaned.

"Sorry guys, I really don't feel up to it," I told them honestly. "I'm going to curl up in my room with some room service, a glass of wine and a good book. Hopefully I'll speak to Edward before I go to bed."

"Well…if you're sure. Damn, I'm glad we got separate rooms," Alice said. "That means I can bring home some fine Italian man." She winked at me. "But call if you need anything, okay, sweetie?"

"Have fun," I replied as I hugged them. Alice and Angela were both single, and liked to party. They enjoyed living the high life, so to speak, but I knew they were looking for Mr. Right.

We all went into our separate rooms, and I slipped out of my sarong and bikini. The décor was light, neutral and Mediterranean in style. The walls were lined halfway up with wood, the top half painted ivory. The bed was sumptuous; a four-poster with a floaty canopy atop it. There were comfy sofas and large lamps, and a marble spa bathroom.

I washed under the warm, powerful shower, before drying off and rubbing in moisture cream all over my body. This was the first day I'd actually been able to sit in the sun, as the shoot was finished and a few faint tan lines wouldn't matter.

I changed into some short pajamas and packed the last remaining items of clothing away in my case. Alice rarely let me choose my own clothes when I was away, though, so I travelled quite light. Our flight home tomorrow left at 4 PM local time from Orio al Serio, so I would be back in the States by the evening.

Taking my battered copy of Pride and Prejudice out of my carry-on, I phoned through an order for mushroom ravioli and a half bottle of a delicious local white wine. I was trying desperately to make time pass more quickly so I could talk to Edward.

By the time I had finished my meal, it was 10 PM. Shit, it was only late afternoon in New York. I would just lie down for an hour, and then ring him after he had finished work. I sank down onto the comfy bed and stretched, realizing too late as I drifted off that I hadn't set my alarm.

When I awoke, the sky outside the large windows was growing lighter in the pale dawn, and the room was still illuminated by the low lamps. I fumbled for my phone on the nightstand. 5 AM! That meant it was 11 PM back home. He'd probably still be up.

Only then did it register that he hadn't called me back. I knew how busy he was with work, but dammit, we rowed enough about me leaving the country, yet now he doesn't take the time to call me back? Was he still mad at me?

I felt tears building as I dialed his cell. After 5 rings, he picked up.

"_Bella!"_ he exclaimed, as music thumped in the background. "_Hold on, I'll take it outside."_

"Where are you?" I asked when it was quiet.

"_I'm at 230 Fifth,"_ he told me, naming the hot New York night spot.

"Oh," I replied. "Who with?"

"_Just a group of guys from work."_ That was not what I wanted to hear.

"Alright, well, have fun," I grumbled.

"_Bella-"_

"It's 5AM, Edward," I muttered. "I'll speak to you later. I love you."

"_I love you too."_

I tapped the screen to disconnect and threw it down on the bed next to me. I wished I hadn't phoned. It wasn't that I didn't want Edward to have a good time, it was just who he chose to go out with. The guys from work usually included his friend, Riley. This is where my petty jealousy came into play.

You see, my husband is bisexual. It was a bit of a shock when I learnt he had had encounters with men, but I quickly got over it. I loved him, and it didn't matter to me.

I trusted Edward implicitly, but a girl can't help but be jealous when they just _know _there is chemistry between two people. And believe me; I had seen it with my own eyes. It was perfectly normal to find other people attractive, and I knew Edward would never act on it, but being half the way around the world, while your husband is out with his _crush_… it does strange things to your emotions.

I sighed and got up to brush my teeth and wash my face, as I internally scolded myself. I needed to stop being such a baby and grow up.

When I got back in bed, I tossed and turned, wishing I was at home in Edward's arms. I missed him so much.

My eyes were welling with tears just as my phone beeped. I picked it up and read the text message.

**B- I love you so much, baby. Can't wait to see you- E xoxo**

I smiled as I read it, snuggling down in the luxurious bed. I cradled my phone close to my chest as I drifted off to sleep.

I was woken shortly by a loud knocking on the door. The early morning sun was shining in through the windows as it appeared across the mountain tops. I groaned, feeling burying my head under the pillow, but the knocking continued.

Finally, I threw back the covers and walked sleepily to the door.

"What, Alice?" I asked as I wrenched it open.

"Wow, someone's grumpy this morning," she sang cheerily. She was dressed in a polka dot sundress and from her sparkling eyes and skin you couldn't tell she'd been out last night.

"Sorry," I mumbled sleepily. "How long have we got until the interview?"

"Three hours," she said as she pushed past me. "Hop in the shower while I lay out your outfit."

I decided it was easier to obey, and trudged off to the spa bathroom. When I was done, I pulled a robe around me and went back into the bedroom. Alice was standing there with a hairdryer in her hands, gesturing for me to sit down.

She worked her magic over my hair, adding some curls to the ends and volume to the roots. Next was make up, and luckily she kept it light. Finally she handed me my outfit; a white shirt-dress and wedges, accessorized with long beads.

I put on a lacy white bra and boy-shorts before getting ready. I had to hand it to Alice; she got it right every time. Sure, I would freeze my ass off on the flight home, but I had to be 'glammed up' for travel, according to my agent.

Alice and I headed down to the restaurant for breakfast on the terrace overhanging the rippling water. We met Angela, and decided on having a selection of fruit with juice and coffee, with a sneaky pastry on the side.

"So, what time did you get in?" I asked curiously as I took a bite of melon.

Alice laughed. "What are you my father?"

I rolled my eyes. "Did you end up with some 'fine Italian man', as you put it?"

"I did," she winked. "His name's Giovanni. Tall, muscled, dark, olive skin…" Her eyes glazed over.

"So it's safe to say you had fun, Miss Cullen?" I asked with a teasing raised eyebrow.

"Let's say the phrase 'Italian stallion' took on a new meaning last night," she giggled.

"Seriously TMI," I gagged.

We finished our breakfast, and I relished the strong, aromatic coffee. I was getting a little nervous now; I'd never given such a big interview before.

Angela seemed to pick up on my nerves.

"You'll be fine, Bella," she assured me as we headed back into the lobby. "If you don't want to answer a question, then don't." She gave my arm a squeeze and Alice hugged me. I headed out the glass doors to the private terrace and pool. As I approached, I could see Aro chatting to a tall man with sandy blonde hair tied back in a ponytail.

"Bella, this is Garrett Matthews," Aro introduced when I approached.

"A pleasure to meet you," Garrett said as he shook my hand.

"Likewise, Mr. Matthews."

"Please, call me Garrett."

We all took a seat by the private pool in the cushioned, Mediterranean iron chairs, surrounded by terracotta potted plants and greenery. I ordered a diet soda as Garrett rifled through his bag.

"Ready to begin, Bella?" he asked as he took out his Dictaphone.

I nodded as the waiter placed my drink in front of me, and I took a sip to refresh my suddenly dry mouth.

"So, how does it feel to be a global sex symbol?"

I blushed. "It's sometimes easy to forget that's how I'm seen; I certainly don't view myself that way. The attention is flattering but I'm just a normal girl at the end of the day, who has been handed some fantastic opportunities."

"You're very modest, Bella," he smiled. "You manage to maintain a low profile, how do you do it?"

"I'm not one for the celebrity scene. You won't find me falling out of night clubs drunk; my life is more normal than people may think. You're more likely to find me at home cooking or reading a good book."

"Talking of books, you graduated with honours in literature from NYU. How did you manage to achieve such it whilst also building up your career?"

"As I said, I've been handed some great opportunities in my time," I replied. "I did have to work very hard, but I always wanted to get a degree, just as much as I wanted to model. I stuck at it; I believe when you want something bad enough, you have to be willing to work for it."

"You also managed to maintain a relationship throughout college. Does it ever get difficult travelling the world and keeping your marriage healthy?"

"It can be tough at times," I admitted, "and I always miss Edward when I'm gone. Luckily I'm focusing more on jobs in the US now. But our relationship is strong."

"Is there any chance for our readers, or are you really happily married?"

I smiled. "I'm afraid there's no chance. I love my husband more than anything in the world."

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**xxx**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**EPOV**

I groaned loudly as the alarm beeped, and I fumbled to switch it off. I seriously needed more sleep. Burying my head under the pillows seemed like a very attractive option right now. My head was aching slightly and my mouth was dry. I downed the glass of water that had been beside the bed and rubbed my hand over my stubbly jaw. I had forgotten to close the blinds, and the early morning Manhattan sky was pale and clear through the windows of our high-rise luxury apartment.

Stumbling out of bed, I headed into the large en-suite bathroom and jumped in the shower. I felt decidedly fresher when I had washed, shaved and brushed my teeth, although I was still regretting the decision to go out last night.

A big merger our team had been working on had been completed yesterday and we had been celebrating with copious amounts of Champagne at the rooftop bar and club of 230 Fifth. The night had gone on longer than I'd planned, and I didn't get to bed until 3 AM. It seemed like a good idea at the time, being so buoyed from our success and with Bella away in Italy. But at 6 o'clock that morning? Not so much.

I dressed in a white shirt and a navy Armani suit, grabbed my iPhone from the nightstand and headed out of the bedroom.

Our apartment was light and spacious, with floor-to-ceiling windows and wooden floors throughout. It had two luxurious bathrooms and three large bedrooms, one of which I used as an office. The living, kitchen and dining areas were all open plan and the whole place was decorated in neutral tones.

As I came into the living area, I picked up my Barbour briefcase from the white sofa and checked I had the files I needed for the day. Deciding I would get something to eat at the office, I grabbed my keys and shut the front door behind me as I ran my hand through my slightly damp hair.

When I got down to the lobby I was greeted by the white-haired doorman as he saw me approach.

"Good morning, Mr Cullen."

"Morning, Felix," I replied with a smile and walked through the open door out into the spring New York air. The streets were already bustling as people made their way into work and tourists started early. I loved everything about the City; the sights, the sounds and the smells. The buzz and the energy in the air always made me feel so alive.

I was a New Yorker born and bred; I had been brought up with my twin sister, Alice, in the Hamptons on Long Island. Our father, Carlisle, was a successful doctor and our mother, Esme, was a part-time interior designer. Both my parents came from wealthy backgrounds, but they weren't obsessed with high society or money. They instilled a good work ethic in Alice and I, and we never relied on our trust funds. We were from a privileged background and we never wanted for anything, but we weren't spoiled. Our parents had splurged on a graduation present for us as it was a special occasion; we could have any car of our choosing. I chose an Aston Martin Vanquish and Alice went for a bright yellow Porsche 911 Turbo, both of which were kept at our parents' home.

I weaved in and out of the hordes of people on the sidewalk, stopping to get a double shot Latte from Starbucks to try and perk myself up for the day. It was a relief to get some caffeine in my system.

As I passed Times Square, an image of my wife shone out from one of the dazzling billboards, and I stopped to stare at it. It was an advert she had done for Chanel's 'Coco Mademoiselle' perfume. She was dressed in a sophisticated, midnight-blue gown cut to her naval, with her long chestnut hair gathered up elegantly. Her chocolate eyes were wide and framed with thick, long lashes. Her full, perfect lips were shining and her cheeks had a rose tint to them. The look was set off with diamonds in her ears and a diamond drop pendant around her neck. She was breath-taking.

Two and a half years ago, I became the luckiest man on the planet when I married the love of my life, 24 year old model, Isabella Swan. I had met her when she was 19 in her freshman year at NYU.

Flashback

_It was a crisp, February afternoon and it was a great relief to step out of the cold into the lobby of my apartment building. I shared a spacious loft in Brooklyn with Alice. We could get on each other's nerves at times, and sometimes I thought I was mad to live with her. We could have easily afforded our own places, but we didn't want to delve into our trust funds more than we already had, even though there was no danger of them running out. _

_Besides, annoying as she could be, she was my twin sister and we were close. I was older by 7 minutes and therefore took the role of big brother very seriously. I always looked out for her, and she did the same for me; for a small person, she was extremely strong. _

_Alice and I were in our junior year; we had always been very determined characters and we worked hard at our studies. I had wanted to become a lawyer since I could remember and was particularly fascinated with corporate law. I had applied to many law schools across the country and had been accepted into Ivy League colleges, but when it came down to it, I didn't want to leave the city so I chose to stay and attend NYU. My parents were happy as long as I was, and my mother was particularly glad neither of her children would be moving far away._

_Alice followed her own dream of fashion styling, something she was extremely good at. I knew she sometimes felt like she should have done something more academic such as law like me, or medicine like our father. But ultimately it came down to what made her happy, and our parents were just as proud of both of us._

_When I opened the front door of the loft, I could hear voices from the living area. _

"_The lighting on that shot is amazing," said the most angelic voice I had ever heard. _

_The girl was sitting with her back to me, next to my sister as they studied her laptop. Her wavy mahogany tresses were glossy and fell halfway down her back. I desperately needed to see her face._

_I cleared my throat to announce my presence, and the girl spun around. She was quite simply the most beautiful, exquisite creature to ever grace this earth. Everything from ivory skin and her deep, brown eyes to her pouty lips transfixed me. Now I was nearer I could smell her heavenly strawberry and freesia scent. I was growing hard from just being near this goddess, but I knew this was something… _more_._

"_Bella, this is my twin brother, Edward," Alice introduced. "Edward, this is Bella Swan- model and freshman at NYU."_

_Model? That didn't surprise me; she was fucking out-of-this-world gorgeous._

"_Pleased to meet you, Bella," I murmured, my eyes still locked with hers as I offered her my hand._

"_You too, Edward," she replied as she shook my hand. I gasped as a spark ran up my arm from her touch. Her skin was so soft… I wanted to see more of it, touch, caress and kiss it. I wanted to feel her lips on mine, hear her say my name again. My heart was thumping and I was rock hard as I released her hand; I needed to get out of this room._

_I excused myself to put my stuff away in my bedroom. Once inside, I leant against the door, willing my erection away. I desperately wanted to go back out there and ask her out. She probably had a boyfriend, though. I mean, how could a girl as beautiful as her still be single?_

_And if on the off chance she was single, she wouldn't remain that way for long. I had nothing to lose._

_I joined the girls back in the living area and saw some of the shots on the laptop. There was no question about it, Bella was extremely talented. Her body was perfection; slender but with curves, giving her an hourglass figure. She was captivating, and I had no doubt she would go far in the modelling industry. She had the look of innocence with a hidden playfulness that the camera brought out perfectly. _

_I knew I just had to ask her out, but it wasn't easy with my sister there. The opportunity presented itself when they finished looking over the pictures, and Bella started gathering up her things as Alice had a late class to go to._

"_Would you like me to walk you home, Bella?" I asked hopefully. I saw my sister give me a knowing smirk out the corner of my eye._

"_Are you sure?" she questioned as she put her coat on._

"_Of course," I replied._

"_Then yes, thank you."_

"_I'll just grab my jacket," I told her and headed for my bedroom, picking up my coat from where I'd left it on the bed. I took a deep breath and ran my hand through my hair. I wasn't used to feeling this nervous before asking someone out. Something just told me Bella was special._

_I went back into the living area where she sat on the edge of the sofa._

"_Ready?" I asked._

_She smiled at me and nodded as I reached out to carry her laptop bag._

"_Thanks," she murmured, and we made our way down to the lobby and out onto the busy street._

"_So, Bella, where are you from?" I asked her as we walked. I wished I could reach out and hold her hand._

"_A tiny town called Forks in Washington State," she answered. _

"_What made you choose New York?"_

"_My brother, Emmett, lives here," she told me. "He graduated last year. What do you major in, Edward?"_

_God, I loved hearing my name on her lips… "I'm reading Law," I replied before my mind could descend into the gutter." What about you?"_

"_English Literature," she said with a smile._

"_Brains and beauty," I murmured to myself but I think she heard me because she blushed. "How did you meet Alice?"_

"_She came up to me after a seminar just after Christmas. She said she'd seen some of my work and wondered if I would help her with a project."_

"_Did she have to twist your arm?" I asked as I shot her a sideways glance._

_She laughed. "No, I was glad to do it. She can be pretty persuasive, though, can't she?"_

"_Tell me about it," I chuckled. "Try growing up with her."_

_I had assumed we were going to the dorms, but she stopped outside of an apartment building about five blocks away from my own. I hadn't had chance to ask her out yet and now I was really nervous. What if she said no?_

"_Well, thanks for walking me home, Edward," she said as we stood in the doorway. _

"_Bella, erm…I was wondering…" I stammered, running my hand through my hair. "Would you maybe…sometime…like to go out for dinner?" Yeah, real smooth, Edward._

_Her face broke into a breath-taking smile. "I would love to. When are you thinking?"_

"_Tonight?" I asked optimistically. I really couldn't wait to spend more time with this angel._

"_Tonight it is," she agreed._

_I was grinning like a fool now, but I didn't care one bit. "Shall I pick you up at 7?"_

"_Perfect. I'll see you later, Edward," she replied softly, reaching up to kiss my cheek. The touch of her soft lips set my skin on fire. God, I couldn't wait to kiss them._

_I watched her walk into the building, and ran my fingers gently over where her lips had just been. _

_Somehow I knew I was already falling in love with Bella Swan._

End Flashback

Dinner that night was amazing. I took her to Nobu in the Tribeca district where we talked more about our lives, families, and hobbies. I learnt she loved cooking and, naturally, reading. I told her about my love of music and how I played piano. We discussed our likes and dislikes in art and literature, told funny anecdotes about ourselves and our families, and we flirted like mad.

We didn't want the evening to end, so we went on to a downtown jazz club. Bella was everything I could have asked for; she was beautiful, intelligent, funny, and caring. When the time came to go home, I was already missing her. I was keen to accept her offer of coffee at her place just so I could spend more time with her. We ended up making out on the sofa for hours, and I was content with keeping it at just that for now. We kissed and held each other until the sun came up.

Our relationship moved quickly from then on and we were rarely apart. It came as a surprise to me when I found out she was a virgin, not because I thought she was easy, but because she was so devastatingly beautiful. The first time we made love, I kissed her tears away as I pushed into her gently. Although it killed me that I was causing her pain, the feeling of completion when I was inside of her was like nothing I'd ever felt before.

I knew I had found my soul mate in Bella; she was my other half and life just made sense with her in it. My family absolutely adored her, and we fit into each other's lives perfectly. Alice and Bella became best friends, with my sister even working with her after college. I got on well with Emmett and his then fiancée Rosalie, and even Bella's father, Charlie, on the few occasions that I met him.

I knew I wanted to make Bella mine officially, have children with her and grow old together. After two years together I found the perfect marquise cut diamond ring on a platinum band. I knew she would want something beautiful but unassuming. I even went as far as asking Charlie for her hand in marriage, and thankfully he gave me his blessing. I was waiting for the right moment to propose to Bella when he died suddenly of a heart attack.

It came as a massive shock to all of us. I was there for Bella to help in any way I could, and I often travelled to the west coast when she and Emmett went back to get Charlie's affairs in order.

Bella took her father's death hard, and she blamed herself for leaving him all alone. However, I knew he wanted her to be happy even if he did miss her a lot, and this was just a tragic occurrence.

When Bella came back from Forks, we decided to take the next step and move in together officially. We rarely stayed a night apart as it was, but we wanted a place of our own. If anything, her father's passing had made us realize life was short, and I was all the more determined that one day I would make Bella Swan my wife.

I eventually decided to leave it until Bella graduated, and I took her away to Lake Como in celebration. I was so nervous as I waited for her on the terrace overlooking the vast expanse of water.

The moment she agreed to marry me was the happiest of my life up to that point. I couldn't believe I got to spend the rest of my life with this angel. A year and a half later, on a crisp December afternoon, we married near my parents' home in a local church. I will never forget how exquisite Bella looked on our wedding day. She wore a strapless, white A-line gown with corset closure at the back and a sweeping train. Her silhouette was divine in the chiffon, and the ruching brought in the waist with delicate embroidery softly decorating the neckline and side skirt.

She wore her hair down and curled, with a delicate tiara holding her veil in place, and she carried a bouquet of deep red winter roses. She was sheer perfection; beauty incarnate. That day was the happiest of my life, knowing I would be with Bella forever.

We spent our first Christmas together honeymooning in a private property in Barbados. We made love late into the night and relaxed together in the day in large hammocks as the turquoise water lapped against the white sandy shore. I naturally ogled my wife at every opportunity in her tiny bikinis, and I don't think my cock went down for more than five minutes the entire time.

I always wanted Bella to do what made her happy and she had decided to pursue her modelling career. It had really taken off after college, and now, almost four years since she graduated, she was an international sex symbol. Occasionally we were followed by the media, but overall we managed to maintain a low profile. I did get used to the attention she attracted over the years we were together, but I was now growing increasingly fed up with the time she spent away on shoots, and we were arguing more and more.

There was another reason for my growing irritation with her career, one that I never admit to because it makes me sound like an ass. Bella has a fantastic body and I understood that photographers and designers wanted to make the most of that. But she was always appearing looking un-fucking-believable on the front of magazines or on billboards, often scantily clad with glamorous hair and make-up. I mean, this trip to Italy had been for FHM for fuck's sake. Don't get me wrong, Bella _always _looked beautiful, but at home she never bothered anymore. She got in from work wearing some sinful outfit, and immediately changed into sweats and a tee.

See, I sound like an ass, right? I was just fed up with the fact other guys got to lust over my wife in magazines, and I was almost having to do the same thing. She didn't seem to want to make the effort.

I drained my coffee cup just as I approached my office building, and I threw it in the trash. I worked at J. Scott, a prestigious law firm in Manhattan, and I had worked hard for my position. I walked through the heavy doors of the building and across the marble floor of the lobby.

"Morning, Mr Cullen," the receptionist greeted me.

"Morning, Gianna," I smiled.

Just like every day in the past few months, I got a delicious butterfly sensation in my stomach as I got into the elevator and pressed the button for the 65th floor.

The doors pinged open and I crossed the hallway towards my office.

"Still alive, Cullen?" said a voice behind me that made my heart beat faster.

"That's Mr Cullen to you," I corrected jokingly, as I turned around.

"Ooh, I do like it when you go into boss mode," Riley laughed. "Do you fancy a coffee?"

"Yes, thanks," I replied. "Bring it in to me, will you?"

He nodded and I headed into my office. I shut the door and sank into my leather desk chair, putting my head in my hands.

Riley. He was a 21 year old intern and the most gorgeous man I had ever seen. He was tall, athletic, with blue eyes and dark blonde hair that looked like he'd just got out of bed. Yeah, if you hadn't guessed, I'm bisexual. I'd never had a serious relationship with a man, but I'd had several sexual encounters with them.

I first realised I was attracted to men as well as women when I was in senior year at high school. I got drunk at a party and ended up in a bedroom fooling around with a college guy. I completely freaked out the next day, but as time went on I got more comfortable in myself, and I eventually told my family. They were supportive of me being with either a man or a woman as long as I was happy.

And I was happy with Bella. God, I loved her more than life itself.

But Riley… I grew hard thinking about him, my heart thumped whenever he was near… I just _desired _him. There was a definite sexual energy between us.

I hated to admit that there were elements of sex that I missed by being with a woman. Bella could satisfy me totally, and there was nothing like making love to her, but sometimes I couldn't help but want a certain chiselled jawline, a manly scent, hot spurts of cum in my mouth, or a hard dick in my ass…

Fuck! What was wrong with me? I was married to the most perfect creature on earth and here I was fantasising about Riley fucking my ass?

My sex life with Bella had always been explosive, but recently I'd felt too guilty to make love to her because of my desire for Riley. I still got hard from just looking at Bella, and I still kissed her, but I always pulled away when things got heated because I couldn't cope with the guilt. I shouldn't want anyone else. But this would pass; it was just an infatuation, right?

A knock at the door pulled me from my reverie.

"Come in," I called as I switched on my Macbook. Riley opened the door and came in with my drink.

"Here you go," he said as he passed it to me. "I got you a double shot; you look like you need it."

"Yeah, yeah, we're not all 21 still," I retorted with a laugh before sipping my coffee. "Do you want to sit in on the meeting this morning?"

"That'd be great."

"Make sure Maria's there," I instructed, "and send her out for some bagels, will you?"

"Sure," he replied before he shot me a grin and headed out of my office. My eyes were immediately drawn to his fine ass as my iPhone beeped, alerting me to a new message.

**E- On my way to the airport. Love you lots, can't wait to see you- B xx**

I was torn between a smile and a frown as I read it. I was so glad she wasn't mad like she had seemed on the phone last night. What with the completion of the merger and then the celebrations, I hadn't gotten the chance to call her until about 8PM my time and it would have been the early hours in Italy. I was also happy because I honestly couldn't wait to see her either. On the other hand, her loving message had come in as I was ogling someone else's ass. Seriously, what was the matter with me?

The framed photos of Bella and me smiled up at me from my desk. I sighed, hoping I would be too busy the rest of the morning for any more introspection as I tapped out a reply to her.

**B- I love you so much, Baby. Have a safe flight and I'll see you this evening- E xoxo**

I shoved my phone back in my jacket pocket before briefly going over the files I needed for the morning. I had a meeting with clients over the Davenport-Henson merger at 8.30, followed by a couple of conference calls. I tried my hardest to concentrate, but there was something always gnawing away inside of me.

I managed to get through the morning, and luckily my team had a lunch appointment with some prospective clients at the 2 West restaurant in the Ritz-Carlton Hotel. I knew it was likely to go on a while, so I gathered up my laptop and files I would need for the weekend, as I didn't plan on returning to the office today.

At 12.30 PM Riley popped his head around the door. "Ready to go, Edward?"

"Yep," I replied and I followed him down to the lobby and out to the waiting Towncar.

"I can't believe we get paid to eat and drink at one of the most expensive restaurants in the whole of Manhattan," Riley said when we were in the car.

"You'll get tired of it eventually," I chuckled. "But remember it's still work; we have to conduct ourselves professionally. Some of the biggest contracts are landed over corporate lunches."

"I'm not surprised with you on the team," he replied with a flirtatious smile. Fuck, his lips were gorgeous…

I pulled out my phone as a distraction from my train of thought and sent a couple of routine emails. They could have waited until Monday, but I needed to focus on anything but Riley. He was the forbidden fruit, and it only served to make him more enticing.

Lunch was the typical corporate affair; racking up one hell of a bill to cater for our potential clients' tastes. From the way things were going, I was quietly confident we had won them over. It was nearing 5 PM by the time we finished the meal, and while some of our team were keen to continue schmoozing, I definitely wanted to get home.

"Sure I can't tempt you, Edward?" Riley asked, his voice thick with innuendo as we filed out of the restaurant.

"Very sure," I replied weakly. "Bella will be home tonight."

The grin on his face dropped slightly, but he didn't lose that confident air about him. It made me want him all the more. "The wanderer returns," he muttered. Bella had met Riley and the other guys from work on a night out before, and I got the impression they didn't exactly take a liking to each other. "Let me know if you change your mind, _Mr_ Cullen," he added in a low voice that sent tingles up my spine.

"Have a good weekend," I told him with a cough as I hailed a cab. I jumped in the yellow taxi that pulled up and breathed a sigh of relief that I was out of the situation. I was a married man with a crush on a guy seven years my junior; I was so fucked.

I felt like I was betraying Bella by just feeling such desire someone else.

I needed to show her how much I loved her. "Drop me at Fifth Avenue," I told the driver. I knew exactly where I was headed when he came to a stop and I jumped out, handing over a $20 bill.

I made my way down the street and into Tiffany & Co. I cast my eyes around the store at the glittering displays. I was looking for something beautiful but simple; Bella wasn't one for ostentation. My eyes landed on a pendant of six small round diamonds set in a white gold bar. It was elegant, and would look amazing around Bella's delicate neck without being showy.

The sales assistant gift wrapped it for me and I handed over my credit card. When I had paid, I took my purchase and headed back out into the throngs of people ambling past the expensive stores in the evening sunshine. I smiled to myself, knowing in just a few hours I would be seeing my beloved.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**BPOV**

Airport security buffered me as I pulled my case along the terminal. I always insisted on carrying my own things like everyone else, not some idle, spoiled diva. Flashes went off in my face as the waiting paparazzi asked me questions.

"_Bella, how was your shoot in Italy?"_

"_Is it true there is a rift between you and Volturi?"_

"Italy was great, guys," I told them, leaving it at that. I knew from experience that it didn't hurt to be friendly towards the press. I usually didn't get much attention when I was out; I didn't go all dressed up with professional hair and make-up, so I wasn't noticed. Even if I was, I wasn't exactly the most interesting person and I certainly didn't cause scandal like some troubled stars. The press knew of my schedule so there was always a presence at airports; that was one of the reasons I had to travel properly made-up.

I had been right about the outfit; I had almost frozen to death on the plane. I'd covered up with multiple blankets, watching movies and napping. Now my body was telling me it was about midnight when in fact it was just the evening.

Alice and I were ushered through the doors where my driver, Seth, was waiting. He was actually a couple of years younger than I was, but he took his role very seriously. I didn't always use a chauffeur; normally it was only to take me to and from the airport, to meetings with the agency or the occasional publicity event.

"Evening, Bells, Alice," Seth greeted us cheerfully as he took our cases. "Lookin' good. Did you have a good trip?"

"It was great, Seth," I lied with a smile as we climbed in the car.

He raised an eyebrow as he smirked; he always saw straight through me. I guess he was like a little brother. A very perceptive one. He picked up on my feelings toward my job, but he was never out of line. He was a friend who cared for me and Alice.

The journey into the city was quite quick, given the hour, and soon we were pulling up outside Alice's apartment building. She still lived in Brooklyn, but in a more expensive place now she was making it in the fashion world.

"I'll see you soon, Ali," I said as I hugged her goodbye. "Thanks for keeping me sane."

"That's what I'm here for," she laughed as Seth held the door open for her. "Love ya."

"You too!" I called as she climbed gracefully out of the car. I waved as she disappeared into her apartment building and Seth got back in. We began the drive into Manhattan, and I relaxed back into the leather seat. I really hoped Edward was back from work.

When we arrived outside my building, I hurried out the car, barely giving Seth the chance to get the door.

"Do you want me to take your bag up, Bella?" he asked as he took it from the trunk.

"Nah," I said as I shook my head, "I travel pretty light. Have a good weekend, Seth."

"And you. I'll see you Monday." He gave me a broad grin and began whistling as he got back in the car.

I put Monday's meeting out of my mind as I climbed the steps and Felix held the heavy door open for me.

"Welcome home, Mrs Cullen," he greeted.

"Thanks, Felix," I returned with a grin. Yes, it was good to be home.

I got into the waiting elevator, and tapped my foot impatiently as it ascended. The doors opened to my floor and I hurried to the front door, taking my key from my carry-on and putting it in the lock.

"I'm back!" I called into the apartment as I pushed open the door, pleased to see that the lights were on so Edward was around somewhere.

He emerged from the bedroom with a beaming smile on his face, racing up to me and sweeping me into his arms.

"Mmm, I missed you, baby," he murmured into my hair as I giggled.

"I missed you, too." It felt so right to be back with my husband.

"So, how was it?" he asked as he released me. I could hear a slight bitterness in his voice and I had to stifle a sigh. This was getting old.

"Fine," I shrugged as I headed over to the couch and sank down into it. "Aro was his usual self," I muttered, picking at the hem of my dress. I wanted to change the subject; I didn't want a row as soon as I got home. "But I had Ali and Angela for company. How have things been at home?"

He took a seat beside me with his arm over the back of the sofa. "We completed the Anderson takeover yesterday," he told me, "so things have been quieter today. We had a corporate lunch at 2 West."

"Poor you," I laughed. "But seriously, congratulations. I know how hard you worked on that deal, baby."

I leant into him and captured his lips with mine. I poured all my emotion into the kiss, my tongue sweeping over his lower lip. He granted me entrance and he wrapped his arms around me as our tongues danced.

My hand trailed down his body and I could feel him growing hard as our kiss grew heated. I was about to run my hands under his shirt when he pulled away.

"You're probably really tired," he told me breathlessly as I looked on in confusion. "Oh, and I got you something."

"What for?" I asked, not understanding why he was distancing himself.

"Because I missed you and wanted you to know just how much I love you."

He reached over to the end table and picked up a signature blue Tiffany box. I took a shaky breath as I opened it, to stop my eyes stinging from rejection. Inside was a white gold bar pendant embedded with diamonds. It was gorgeous, but my heart was still hurting as he took the necklace and fastened it around my neck.

I wanted to say that I didn't need jewellery to prove his love; I wanted him to show it. I wanted him to make love to me like he used to. I really didn't understand what was stopping him. Did he not find me attractive anymore?

"It looks lovely," he murmured as I fought back tears and forced a smile on my face.

"Thank you, I love it," I replied shakily as I stood up. "You know what? You're right; I'm pretty tired. I'm going to get in the shower and go to bed."

I could see in my blurry, peripheral vision that he was frowning, but it was all I could do not to break down in tears.

I didn't give him the chance to say anything before I rushed to our bedroom, dragging my case with me. Once inside I let the tears flow freely down my cheeks. I fumbled with the zipper on the suitcase, found my bag of toiletries and took it into the bathroom. My make-up was smudging and I tried hard to control my breathing. I didn't want Edward to hear me cry so I put on the shower before taking off my make-up. As I stood under the hot running water, the flowing tears mingled in and I let them fall. Something was seriously going wrong in my marriage and I didn't know how to fix it.

When I had dried off, I crept back into the bedroom and was pleased to see Edward wasn't there. I changed into some short pyjamas and combed my wet hair. Truth be told I was pretty hungry, but I couldn't face him tonight; I didn't want to get into a fight. You could probably say I was being cowardly and I suppose you could be right. I was scared of what I might hear if I questioned why he never wanted to make love to me anymore.

I got in between the cold sheets and faced out of the large windows at the illuminated skyline. I had spent so much time in Italy missing my husband; now he was in the next room and I still missed him.

The first time he had made love to me was so special; he worshipped my body slowly and I felt his love in every touch. His eyes never left mine as he pushed into me, and he kissed away my tears. They were a combination of the initial pain, and the amazing sense of being whole, complete.

I cried harder at the memories, burying my face in the pillow to muffle my sobs.

I heard him moving around in the living area after about an hour, so I desperately tried to even out my breathing and stop the tears. Hopefully he would believe I was already asleep. The door opened, and he crept into the room. I could feel him standing there, watching me as I feigned sleep. Slowly he moved around the room and got ready for bed. His manly scent was all around me and I had to bite my lip to keep sobs from bursting out.

When he climbed in beside me, I could feel his eyes on my back, and slowly he pulled me flush against his chest. I wasn't sure if he knew I was awake, but he kissed the top of my head and whispered, "I love you so much, baby."

I _really _had to try and stop the silent sobs from shaking my body at his words. Soon, the jet lag really started to take its toll. The combination of exhaustion and feeling all cried out made my eyes flutter shut and I drifted off to sleep in Edward's arms.

.

~AMM~

.

The sky was growing pale as I woke up from a deep sleep. My body was telling me it was late morning when in fact it was just 6 AM, so I gently lifted the covers and climbed out of bed. Edward mumbled something incoherent as I moved away from him, before turning over and his started breathing deeply again. He always got up so early in the week; he deserved to have a lie-in.

I crept into the walk-in closet and put on some baby blue underwear. The early morning light caught on the diamonds in the pendant around my neck, and my heart sank. Shaking my head clear, I pulled on a pair of boyfriend jeans, a white tee and a grey zip-up hoodie, grimacing as I saw my puffy eyes in the mirror of the vanity. I brushed my hair and tied it in a low ponytail, finishing my casual get-up with some Gucci sunglasses. Now you see why I don't get noticed very often? There was a world of difference between Bella Swan, model, and Bella Cullen, wife.

I hoped one day in the not too distant future to add mother to the last title, but Edward and I had some serious shit to sort out first. Not wanting to dwell on that fact, I tiptoed to the en-suite to brush my teeth. When I was ready, I checked Edward was still deeply asleep and went out into the spacious living area. I grabbed my iPhone, keys and wallet, and shoved them in my pockets before shutting the door behind me.

When I reached the streets below, I smiled to myself as I took in the beautiful, clear, spring day. I loved walking around Manhattan alone early in the morning. It felt wonderful to go about my business like anyone else would do.

I stopped at a bakery and brought some pastries and a skinny latte. It was still early so I wandered into Central Park and took a seat on a bench as I sipped my coffee, watching the early morning joggers, dog walkers and tourists.

Absentmindedly, I played with my new necklace. Maybe the jet lag had made me overreact last night; I mean, couples went through rough patches all the time. Edward and I were strong.


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry guys, had an impromptu trip away for 5 days and no laptop!**

* * *

Chapter 5

EPOV

I awoke to the sun shining into the room, and cold sheets beside me. My heart skipped a beat.

When Bella went to bed last night, it was hell. I had to sit in the living room listening to her cry, knowing _I _was the one that had made her do so. I knew I had hurt her by pulling away from our kiss, but as much as I wanted to, I just couldn't go through with being intimate with her. How could I love her like she deserved when I was having a flirtation with someone else? I knew it was just harmless fun with Riley; the odd comment, and someone nice to look at, but it still wasn't right.

I should just stay away from him as much as possible and go back to being a good husband, but whenever I made that decision, Bella would be jetting off somewhere. Besides, Riley was a good friend. There was nothing wrong with finding friends attractive. _Except when it interferes with your marriage._

I loved sleeping with Bella in my arms last night. I couldn't comfort her when she was awake, because I had no way of explaining my behaviour, so I just held her close as she slept and whispered how much I loved her. I knew deep down I was the luckiest man in the world.

I supposed I was just burying my head in the sand, but I hoped we could just move on this morning and forget about it like we always tried to. But she wasn't here with me…

I got out of bed and went sleepily into the living area. She wasn't anywhere to be seen. I checked the spare room, the office, and the bathrooms.

No sign.

Now I was starting to panic. What if I had pushed her too far?

I even checked the walk-in closet and was relieved to see that all her clothes were still there. She'd probably just gone out to the store for something. I wasn't so great at keeping the fridge stocked when she was away; I normally ate in restaurants or got takeout.

Back in the bedroom, I picked my cell up from the nightstand and dialled Bella's number. She answered after the fifth ring.

"_Hey."_

"Bella, baby, where are you?" I asked as I sat down on the bed.

"_I went to get us some breakfast," _she said in a soft voice. Was it my imagination, or did she still sound upset? "_I'll be back in ten."_

"Okay, see you soon. I love you."

"_You too," _she said quietly before she put the phone down.

I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. I would try and make it up to her somehow, but something told me there was just one thing she wanted. And I couldn't bring myself to give it to her.

I headed into the bathroom and showered, trying to shake my head clear. When I was done I dried myself and dressed in a navy polo shirt, faded jeans and sneakers.

We were going to visit Rosalie, Emmett and Luka at their house on Long Island today, and I hoped it would cheer Bella up. She loved seeing them, as did I, but I was glad Emmett wasn't always the most perceptive person; if he knew Bella was upset because of me, I would end up in the ER.

I walked into the kitchen area just as the key sounded in the lock. Bella half smiled at me as she came in, dressed in jeans and a hoodie, her eyes hidden behind dark glasses. She looked totally different from yesterday. _But still beautiful, _I added internally.

"Hey, love," I greeted as I took the juice from the fridge.

"Hi." She put the bag of pastries down on the counter and took off her sunglasses. Her eyes were puffy and red, and she quickly averted her gaze. Guilt hit me like a tidal wave as I looked at her. I'd caused that. What the fuck was wrong with me?

"I'm just going to finish getting ready," she told me.

"Don't you want anything to eat?" I asked gesturing to the food she'd brought in with her.

"No thanks," she spoke softly. "I'm not hungry." With that she hastened to the bedroom and shut the door behind her. It was as if she couldn't bear to be in the same room as me. I didn't know what was going on in her head but I knew it wasn't good.

_What do you expect, Edward? _I asked myself. _You keep pushing her away!_

I put the juice back in the fridge and shut the door forcefully. I leant my elbows on the counter and buried my head in my hands, tugging at my hair. I was such a fuck-up.

Maybe this wouldn't be as easy to fix as I thought.

.

BPOV

I was relieved when Edward's Volvo finally pulled up in front of Emmett and Rose's house. The silences between us at times were uncomfortable. I couldn't help but worry that something was really wrong between us, but we were both skirting around the issue, as if we were afraid what we might uncover if forced to look at it.

We got out the car and followed the sound of voices around the side of the house. Emmett and Luka were playing soccer in the backyard as Rose sat on a lounger watching them indulgently.

"Aunt Bewwa, Unca E!" Luka shouted as he saw us, racing across the garden with Emmett on his heels.

"Hey, buddy!" Edward exclaimed, throwing him over his shoulder as Luka laughed. I loved seeing the two of them interact.

Emmett swept me into a bear hug before Rose claimed me. We all exchanged greetings as Luka pulled on the leg of my jeans. "Aunt Bewwa, did you bwing me a pwesent?"

"Luka!" Rose scolded gently. "That's not polite. Say sorry."

"Sowwy," he said with an impish grin.

"You know," I started as I tapped my chin theatrically, "I might have something in here for you." I lifted out the gift wrapped box from my tote.

He began jumping up and down, but waited patiently for me to give it to him. Emmett helped take the wrapping paper off and the lid off, revealing the soccer shirt. Both Em and my nephew were avid soccer fans, and even at age three, Luka knew the teams of the European Champions League.

He squealed as he lifted out the shirt with SWAN and number 3 written across the back.

"Do you know which team this shirt belongs to?" Emmett asked him.

Luka bit his lip as he nodded. "Hmm…Milan." I swear my brother spent his evenings coaching his son on every aspect of soccer known to man; there was no way a normal three year old could know so much.

"That's my boy," Em praised as he ruffled his dark curly hair. "Inter Milan. Why don't you put it on and you can play with me and Uncle Edward?"

"Yay!" Luka shouted as he jumped up and down.

"Let's go get some coffee," Rose nudged me, and we left the boys to their games in the garden. We headed into the big, homey kitchen. I loved Rose and Emmett's house, and hoped one day to move to the suburbs, too, when Edward and I had a family…

"So how was Italy?" Rose asked excitedly as she put the kettle on, pulling me from my thoughts.

"You act like I've never been there before," I laughed.

"Hey, I need to live vicariously," she shrugged. "While some of us are having our pictures taken around the world, others, namely me, are cleaning, washing and ironing."

"I'll trade you," I sighed as I took a seat at the table. "Cleaning, washing and ironing sound like heaven."

"Was it that bad?" she asked.

"Let's just say I'm not looking forward to the magazine coming out," I said as she poured us both a cup of coffee. "Or Edward's reaction to it." God, he was going to hate it.

She sighed sympathetically. "Did you have another row?"

"What makes you say that?" I asked defensively.

"Your eyes are puffy and red."

"We didn't argue," I told her truthfully. I took a sip of my coffee as I watched the boys through the window. "I think it was just the jet lag making me over emotional or something."

She arched an eyebrow. "Bella, I know you too well. Now spill."

I knew there was no point in arguing with Rose, and to be honest, it was nice to offload to somebody. I couldn't talk to Alice this way because Edward was her brother.

"I feel… I feel like we're growing apart," I told her. "He won't get close to me anymore, and, God, it _hurts. _He'll kiss me, and then he stops. Like last night, he said _I_ was too tired. Isn't that ironic?" I laughed sardonically. "I know he loves me; he gave me this-" I reached for my pendant, "-but I don't need presents. I need him to show his love, to feel intimacy from my husband. Is that wrong?"

"Of course not, sweetie," she soothed as she rubbed my arm.

"Maybe his feelings have changed," I muttered as I fingered my platinum wedding ring, feeling my eyes tear up again. "Maybe he loves me but he's not attracted to me like he was before."

"Bella," Rose huffed, "you have a multi-million dollar contract with the top modelling agency in the world; you're one of the most beautiful women on the planet. How could he not be attracted to you anymore?"

"Maybe that's the problem, Rose," I sniffled. "My job is driving a wedge between us. It was such a glamorous opportunity when I started, and I loved it, but I don't want it anymore. And definitely not at the cost of my marriage."

"Are things really that serious?" she asked quietly with wide eyes.

"I'm starting to think so, Rose," I cried. "I really am."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**BPOV**

I slicked on a touch of lip-gloss and sat back from the vanity. My mahogany hair was down and I'd added to its natural wave slightly. I was wearing enough concealer to hide the dark circles under my eyes, and just enough blush to add some colour to my increasingly pale skin.

It had been two months since the FHM shoot and the magazine was out next week. I really wasn't looking forward to that, as I thought back on the photos that were taken. It wasn't going to help my marital problems, that was for sure.

Things between Edward and I weren't any better. It wasn't that we fought all the time; we had rows like most couples do, but there was just a distance between us. A void was opening up and seemed to get wider the harder I tried to breach the gap. We fought mostly when I had to go away, and one of us usually spent the night in the spare room. Despite having my friends, I was increasingly lonesome. I was used to feeling lonely in a crowd, but now I felt lonely all the time. It was as if I were separated from the world by a thick pane of glass; I could see everything that was happening but I couldn't touch it, and I couldn't change it. I knew that only one person could reach and rescue me: Edward. Quite simply, I missed him desperately. He was more than my husband; he was my best friend. He made me whole.

I often lay awake at night wondering what was happening to us; it seemed like a nightmare where I could see disaster approaching but I was frozen and powerless to stop it.

Our sex life was pretty much non-existent now. On the few occasions we did take things further than kissing, I could tell Edward wasn't giving me all of himself and he had problems keeping it up. He said he was just stressed from work or tired, but he'd never suffered with it before, no matter how busy things were. There was always some excuse, but I couldn't help but think the problem was me. Had I changed? Had he got bored of me? Where was the husband who couldn't keep his hands off of me?

This coming weekend was Edward's birthday and we were going to Vermont for a relaxing three night stay. Tonight, in preparation, I was making a special effort. My plan was to surprise him when he came through the door with a romantic dinner to help him relax.

I had sexy lingerie and an outfit all picked out, although most of my clothes now were smaller; the stress of the last few months had meant I'd managed to drop a dress size without really noticing. Needless to say, Aro was thrilled with me for that and interest in me was on the rise.

I say without _really _noticing; I knew I was never hungry now, and when I did eat properly it was all I could do to stop it from coming back up.

So tonight I'd gone for a red and black corset, with ruffled black panties, to give the illusion of more curves. As I stood up from the vanity, I dropped my robe and checked my reflection in the full length mirror. I felt hope buoy up inside me. I did look pretty good. If this didn't work then I was going to force him to talk to me; one way or another we would get this resolved before our weekend together.

I took my Dior dress from the hanger and pulled it on over the corset. It was a black, long-sleeved, lace mini dress with a square neckline. I paired it with black peep-toe Louboutins and did a final appraisal in the mirror. The dress was figure-hugging and skimmed my upper thighs. The corset pushed up my cleavage and I really did feel sexy.

Smiling to myself, I went out into the kitchen area to finish preparing the meal. I was doing an exotic chicken marinade with potatoes and fresh vegetables. I pulled a bottle of white wine from the fridge and poured half a glass for myself, before putting it in an ice bucket by the set table.

Half an hour later, and everything was ready. The late evening Manhattan sunshine poured through the large windows, the background music was romantic and soft, and the candles were lit. Edward would be due home any minute, so I served the meal and took a seat at the table, taking a sip of my wine.

I waited. And I waited.

After 10 minutes, I put the plates back in the oven on low to keep the food warm.

After half an hour, I was tapping my fingers on the table top.

After an hour, I was about to pick up my cell when it rang. I turned off the music as Edward's name flashed up.

"Where are you?" I answered.

"_At work still," _he replied, his voice full of confusion. "_I'm ringing to tell you I'll be late. We've got a last minute deal to go over."_

"We?" I asked in a quiet voice.

"_Yeah, Riley's helping me with the files," _he told me. "_We weren't doing anything special, were we?"_

I looked down at my designer outfit and around at the elegantly set table. I felt my eyes start to sting; I needed to get off the phone.

"No," I replied shakily. "Nothing special."

"_Okay, I love you."_

I couldn't get any words out without breaking down into sobs, so I just mumbled, "Hmhmm."

With that I disconnected the call as tears fell down my cheeks. I blew out the candles and went to switch the oven off. Pulling the plates out, I walked over to the bin and unceremoniously scraped the food into it.

I let it shut with an echoing slam, and went to change in the walk-in closet.

_It was such a stupid idea anyway_, I thought as I pulled off my dress. _You don't turn him on anymore so what's the point? _

I didn't dare look in the mirror and see my new lingerie staring mockingly back at me.

I hurried out of the corset and panties, throwing them in the drawer and slamming it shut. I changed into some comfy old sweats and a cami-top before going over to the vanity. My smoky eye makeup was smudged and running down my cheeks with each fresh tear track.

I grabbed a handful of cleansing wipes and began taking it off. When my face was clear, I tied my hair into a low pony tail, and went to grab a book from the shelf in the living area. Reading was my form of escapism and right now, I wanted to escape. I didn't want to have to face reality.

I searched the shelves for something that wasn't a happy romance, finally deciding on Romeo and Juliet. Yeah, a tragedy suited my mood just fine.

I had just taken it from the shelf when my cell rang again. The screen read 'Angela'. I wiped my eyes and took some deep breaths.

"Hey," I finally answered, trying to sound as normal as I could.

"_Hey, Bella. Are you okay?"_ she replied. "_You sound upset."_ Okay, so clearly my attempt at sounding normal had been unsuccessful.

"I'm fine, Ang," I told her. I didn't want to get into it now. "What's up?"

"_Bells, you have to promise not to shout at me,"_ she began tentatively.

"Fine, I won't shout." I wasn't in the mood for this.

"_You remember Maxim wanted you for that spread next month?"_ she asked me.

"Yeah," I sighed. It would be another shoot just like the FHM one and I wasn't looking forward to it one bit.

"_Well, they've had someone pull out and they need you this month."_

"When?" I groaned.

"_Your flight leaves tomorrow for LA at 8 AM,"_ she rushed out. "_They need you until Monday."_

I choked on my breath. "Ang, no," I told her. "I'm away with Edward this weekend, you know that."

"_Bella, I'm sorry but these aren't my instructions,"_ she said sympathetically. "_Please don't shoot the messenger."_

I was silent for a few moments. I really needed this weekend with Edward, and he'd flip when he found out. But my hands were tied. I had no choice.

"What time will Seth be here?" I sighed.

"_5.30. I'm really sorry, Bella,"_ she said softly. "_If I could change it, I would."_

"I know," I told her. "I'll be ready."

"_Thanks, sweetie. See you tomorrow."_

"Bye."

I ended the call and threw my phone onto the sofa as fresh tears trickled from my eyes. This was the last thing I needed.

.

**EPOV**

I put the phone down after my conversation with Bella and felt a frown form on my face. Something wasn't quite right with her

Riley looked up at me inquisitively from the sofa where he sat, surrounded by files. Some very important clients of ours had called with an urgent contract they needed us to handle, so it had been left to Riley and me to go through the documents.

"Everything okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," I lied as I took a seat. "Let's get on with these."

Over the past couple of months things between Bella and I were becoming increasingly fraught. She had had to attend several launches for lines she modelled. Yeah, it was immature but I was fed up with her dressing up for other people; I felt like I wasn't worth the effort. The tension was compounded by the humiliation of me not being able to keep an erection up with her.

It wasn't that I didn't find her attractive; she was unbelievably sexy, but I too guilty about my unstoppable flirtation with Riley. It was just harmless fun, I would tell myself, but the jokes were getting more suggestive, the tension sometimes thick between us. I tried to distance myself but he was actually a good friend, too, and I confided in him. He knew Bella and I were having problems, but I hadn't gone into detail; if I did I would have to acknowledge my attraction to him, and I tried not to acknowledge the depths of my desires even to myself. He was also a good laugh, and I often went out with him and some other people from work when Bella was away on shoots.

So I kept walking the fine line between the acceptable and the unacceptable. I knew deep down that I was in denial over my feelings, desires, and their results. Bella knew something wasn't right and I was worried about her; she had lost weight, and she didn't have any to lose in the first place. She only seemed to eat when I reminded her, and then she only picked at the food.

I was adamant that I would get my shit together for our much needed trip away this weekend.

As I sat reading through the files, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't concentrate. All the words ran into one; I had read the same sentence about hundred times and it still didn't make sense.

"You're not taking any of that in, are you?" Riley spoke up, gesturing to the document in my hand.

"No," I laughed weakly.

"Was she not happy with you working late?" he asked.

I shrugged, leaning back against the couch and throwing the papers down with a thud. "I don't know; something was off," I admitted.

"You put up with her job," he muttered. "She should do the same; she's lucky to have you."

I frowned; was that what was the matter with Bella? Was she annoyed about my hours? That was rich.

"I don't exactly hide my feelings over hers though, do I?" I asked rhetorically. That was hardly an emphatic defence of my wife; I should be protecting her against the distaste Riley's voice held for her. There were an awful lot of things I _should _be doing, but I wasn't.

"I mean it, Edward," he said, looking at me intensely. His eyes burned into mine and my heart started pounding. "She's so lucky and she doesn't even realise it."

I swallowed hard. I tried to speak but I was hypnotised by his gaze and the force behind his words. They sparked something inside me; an illicit excitement, a longing exhilaration and a sense that this was heading into unchartered territory.

"She jets around the country, around the world, leaving you by yourself," he continued, "and you accept it." The selfish part of me was agreeing furiously; it was as if he was giving validation to the feelings and resentments I had. "If you were mine, Edward, I'd never want to leave your side."

He put the papers he was holding down beside him and tentatively moved his hand onto my knee. My eyes were glued to it as adrenaline coursed through my veins. His words echoed through my mind. '_I'd never want to leave your side.'_

I looked up at him, opening my mouth to protest at his burning touch, but no sound came out as I noted how close we were. His eyes moved their focus to my lips. My heart was beating unbelievably fast as his face came closer to mine. His manly scent was intoxicating and I breathed it in deeply.

This was wrong. It was so wrong, but before I could think any further, my lips were touching his. They were surprisingly soft, and his tongue darted out, seeking entrance in my mouth. Seemingly without volition, I granted it.

I couldn't help but moan slightly into his mouth as our tongues danced together. My cock was growing harder as the kiss grew more heated. I wasn't thinking, I was just feeling.

He ran his hands over my upper arms, and it was the unfamiliar feel of his strong touch that broke through the haze clouding my mind.

_What the fuck was I doing?!_

I pushed my hands against his chest, panting as we broke apart.

"No," I breathed, wiping my mouth on the back of my hand, trying to erase what had just happened. "We can't."

"But-"

"No, Riley," I asserted as I stood up. "We're done for the night." With that I nodded towards the door, dismissing him.

He didn't argue, he just grabbed his laptop bag and silently walked to the door. I turned around so I was facing out onto the New York skyline. I felt his eyes on me as he hovered by the door. After a few seconds, I heard it click shut and I sank down onto the sofa, my head in my hands. I was so angry with myself.

How could I do that to Bella? To the love of my life? She was waiting for me at home while I was kissing someone else. Should I tell her?

_No, _I decided. I'd tell Riley tomorrow that it was a mistake and it would never happen again. There was no need for Bella to ever know. I would push this deep into the recesses of my mind and hope it never resurfaced.

I picked up the open files beside me and shoved them in my desk drawer. I couldn't get out of this office fast enough.

.

-x-

.

The walk home was torment. I don't think I'd ever felt worse in my life. How had I let things get this far? The worst thing was, I'd enjoyed the kiss until I realised what I was doing was wrong. I'd wanted to put my hands in his hair, to pull him closer to me.

When I reached our front door, I took a deep breath before putting my key in the lock. I had to bury this and forget it ever happened. I wanted to get inside and brush my teeth, take the taste of Riley from my mouth, but I knew a deeper part of me was protesting at letting it go.

I pushed open the door, and was about to call out when I noticed the change to the room. There were blown out candles, a lavishly set table, wine left in an ice bucket.

I felt my insides twist as I quietly shut the door and went to the kitchen. I put my laptop bag down on the counter, noticing the scraped plates. I flipped open the bin and inside it was dinner.

Fuck! Guilt weighed like a rock, heavy in my stomach. I was honestly the worst husband in the world. Bella had gone to all this effort for my stupid ass while I'd been kissing somebody else. I was absolutely livid with myself.

I had to make this up to her; thank God we were going away at the weekend.

I undid my tie and made my way to the bedroom. Luckily, the light was still on under the door; I'd have a chance to apologise, although she wouldn't know all I was apologising for.

I tentatively opened the door. Bella was lying in bed with a book in her lap, her face clear and eyes red-rimmed as she glanced up at me.

"Love, I'm so sorry-" I started, but she cut me off.

"It's fine, Edward. I would clean up in the morning but…" she trailed off in her scratchy voice. "Angela rang."

It was then that I noticed her small suitcase and a bag at the end of the bed.

No. Fucking. Way.

She couldn't be going away again. Not now. Not when we needed to be together. Had Riley been right? Did she _want _to be apart from me? Surely she had some say in this? Did she secretly like all the glitz and glamour of her other life?

I knew on a gut level that my rising anger was directed at myself and my actions this evening, but it was coming towards Bella with the force of a freight train and I didn't seem to be able to stop it.

.

**BPOV**

His eyes landed on my case and his jaw tensed. I could almost hear his mind working as he took in what this meant. I was trying really hard to put aside all the hurt from this evening because I knew he was going to hate this and I didn't want an argument.

"I'm not going to make this weekend," I told him quietly.

He ran a hand through his unruly bronze hair. "Are you fucking kidding me, Bella?"

"It's not my fault, Edward!" I returned, folding my arms over my chest defensively. He acted like I sought out these shoots just to spite him.

"It never is," he said bitterly. "We _need _this weekend."

"You're telling me," I muttered under my breath, and his eyes flashed darkly as they met mine. It was as if we were in different waters now; we had both basically admitted our marriage was in trouble.

"So, what shoot is so important?" he asked sardonically.

I rolled my eyes. I knew he wasn't going to be happy about this but I didn't get why he was _this_ angry. Something told me the reasons ran deeper than face value, but I didn't have time to question it now. I was emotional and exhausted.

"Maxim," I whispered, keeping my eyes cast down. If he was angry before, this would send him over the edge.

"Great!" he exclaimed sarcastically. "So I guess that means more half-naked shots for men to stare at?"

"It's my job, Edward," I said between gritted teeth, feeling my eyes start to sting. I just knew all the hurt from this evening was going to come pouring out. "Besides I don't see why you get so jealous; seeing me half naked obviously does nothing for _you _anymore."

I looked up and his dark, angry eyes locked with mine. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know very well what it means; the fact that you can't keep it up!" I exclaimed, not giving a shit anymore. If he wanted an argument, he could have one. "How do you think that makes me feel, Edward?"

"I've told you; I'm stressed!" he yelled as he stormed over to the en-suite. "Some of us have more to do than flaunt our bodies for a living!" With that he slammed the door shut as I felt my tears spill over from my eyes. It wasn't like Edward to be so… cruel. He made me sound like a slut, like I was doing something seedy and cheap.

I pushed back the covers and clambered out of bed as I heard the shower turn on. I took my case and my carry-on bag and headed down the hall to the spare room. I didn't want to be anywhere near Edward right now. This was not how I had hoped this evening would turn out.

As I lay in the cold, unfamiliar bed, I silently prayed he would follow me. I heard the shower switch off, and I listened as his footsteps came closer. He paused outside the door and my heartbeat sounded in my ears as the seconds passed. I wanted him to come and take me in his arms, but he never did. He walked back to our bedroom. He walked away.

I wrapped my arms around my body, and for another night, cried myself to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**BPOV**

My alarm woke me at 3:30AM. My throat was scratchy and dry from all the crying, my eyes were sore, and I wanted to bury my head under the covers and stay hidden from the world. Unfortunately that wasn't an option, so I dragged myself to the bathroom and showered.

When I saw myself in the mirror, I grimaced. I looked like hell. Luckily I had brought all my cosmetics from the bedroom last night; I didn't want to go in there and wake Edward up as I searched for things.

I did the best job I could on my face, using copious amounts of concealer. I decided on a rock-chick look, so the black eyeliner would hopefully hide the worst of the redness. When I was made up, I dressed in a rock-tee, tiny denim shorts and suede black ankle boots.

I put all my toiletries and cosmetics back in my case and zipped it up. Now the million dollar question; should I wake Edward up and say goodbye?

_No._

I was still too hurt; the wounds of his words were too fresh. I was hurt and angry, and besides, he wouldn't like to see me dressed up going on a trip. It would just cause another argument, so what was the point?

I contemplated leaving a note, but I couldn't find the right words. 'Happy Birthday' just sounded stupid after the fight we'd had last night, so I decided to phone him later instead.

I tried to ignore the set table from last night as I put on my dark glasses, grabbed my case and carry-on and left the apartment, leaving Edward slumbering away.

The ride to Alice's building was quiet; Seth knew something was up but he didn't push me on the matter. I was quite sure Alice wouldn't be so easy-going, so happy I put up the screen between Seth and us when we arrived at her apartment.

"Hey, Bella!" Alice greeted as she climbed in.

"Hey," I croaked out, clearing my throat.

"Uh-oh," she sang as we drove off. "Glasses off, please."

I reluctantly removed them, and glared at her, daring her to challenge me. She narrowed her eyes, clearly weighing up her options of which tack to use. Finally, she sank back into her seat and sighed.

"What did that idiot brother of mine do this time?" she asked as I replaced my shades.

"Alice, I'm not going to put you in the middle of us every time we have a fight," I told her. "It's not fair."

"Bella, he may be my twin but you're my best friend," she said earnestly. "If you're hurt because of him, I have every right to kick his butt."

"Fine," I grumbled. "Let's just say he's not happy with me 'flaunting my body'." I used air quotes to repeat his words from last night. They left a bitter taste in my mouth.

"He said that?" she asked, taken aback.

"Yep."

"Right, let's turn this car around; I need to kick his ass!" she fumed. "How dare he make you sound like some cheap floozy?"

I shrugged. That was something I would like to know myself.

.

~AMM~

.

We arrived at the Volturi headquarters in LA by 10AM local time. Fortunately we were ushered to Aro's office before the staff could begin their usual pandering; it was all so false. I was sick of the pretence, of making idle chat about things I wasn't interested in with people I didn't care for.

Angela had been in LA for a few days already, so she met us outside the grand entrance to Aro's office. She pushed open the wooden doors, and we stepped inside the cavernous room. The whole back wall was a floor to ceiling window, the floors and walls covered in marble.

Aro was sitting at his desk, dressed in black as usual, and there was a small group already congregated. I assumed they were a mixture of assistants, photographers, and the people from Maxim magazine.

Our heels clacked on the marble floor, and that announced our arrival through the low buzz of chatter.

"Bella, darling," Aro greeted me sycophantically. "And Alice is here, too. Wonderful".

He was all about image; he would easily lose his cool when other people weren't around, but he wanted to be seen to be doing the right thing and treating me correctly. Only I noticed the steel glint in his eye, telling me not to cause trouble over this shoot.

He kissed our cheeks, and I had to refrain from wiping where his papery lips had touched my skin.

"Take a seat," he invited, gesturing to the black leather chairs. We sat back in the luxurious seats as the low chatter around us slowly started up again. "I am very pleased with you, dear," Aro continued. "The pre-copies of the FHM spread have been sent out." He picked up a magazine from the desk. "I think you'll be happy."

He handed me the copy, and I stared down at the image of myself on the cover. They had used one of the shots in the lake with my arms behind my head, the skimpy lace of the bra pushing up my breasts and not hiding much at all. My wet hair appeared black and the eye make-up was artfully smudged.

The headline read, '_Black Swan'- super sexy supermodel Bella Swan gets wet for you._

I choked on my breath as I took it all in, my eyes stinging with tears that I fought back. I felt even worse than I thought I would do; I felt like a cheap whore. And I had to do another of these shoots?

I looked up at Aro who was staring at me with a devilish smile on his face. "This is going to fly off the shelves, Bella!" he exclaimed, clapping his hands together. "We'll celebrate later on, but right now, we've got a concept to talk through."

Aro ran the meeting, with input from the Maxim team. The concept was to be Burlesque, a mixture of classic meets contemporary, but it still made me feel sick.

We had been talking for about half an hour, well, I had been silent, when Aro held up the type of lingerie I would be photographed in. The corset in his hands was shockingly similar to the one I had chosen to wear for Edward the previous night.

I didn't want other men to see me like this anymore.

I didn't have to put up with it.

I glanced down at the magazine on the table in front of me again, before I realized Aro was still talking.

"…and then we'll have you take it off; you can cover up with your arms, but the nearly nude shot will be _perfect."_

My head shot up, and I knew what I had to do.

"No," I said firmly.

He raised a surprised eyebrow, as if he'd forgotten me in my silent obedience.

"No?" he asked with an amused smirk, the predator confronted by the prey. He thought it highly entertaining, and he wanted to see where I was going with it, purely because he believed it would be futile.

"No, Aro. I won't do it," I repeated. "I won't pose almost nude, I won't wear this corset; I won't do this spread."

The room was silent for the longest second, as if the group was holding its collective breath. Then Aro's high, amused laughter rang out. He put down the corset and came over to me. I was shorter than he was but I stood up anyway to bring us more on an even par. I wouldn't be intimidated by him anymore.

"Bella, dear," he sighed dramatically as he reached for my hands. It really creeped me out when he touched me; his pale, almost translucent skin made me shiver. "You don't have a choice, do you?"

He was aware of our audience and he wouldn't lose it in front of them, so he was trying to maintain a calm façade. But I was beyond caring about keeping up appearances.

"Actually, I do," I asserted, ripping my hands from his clammy grasp. "_This_-," I continued, picking up the magazine from the table, "-is the reason I'm so unhappy. This is the reason my marriage is falling apart!"

There was an audible gasp from Alice and Angela. They didn't know that things were that bad.

"You want to try and sue me?" I continue. "Fine, go ahead and fucking do it. I don't care!" I cried, tears falling down my cheeks.

I threw the magazine onto the floor and stormed out the office, the sound of my heels echoing as I ran. Why had I even come on this trip? I should be at home with Edward! I pulled my phone from my pocket as I marched down the corridor, and almost screamed when I saw the battery was flat.

Footsteps suddenly sounded behind me and I looked around to see Alice and Angela hastening towards me with a mixture of pride and worry etched on their faces. Thankfully they had my luggage with them; I didn't fancy walking back in there. When they reached me, in turn they pulled me into a fierce hug.

"I'm sorry," we all chorused, before breaking into giggles at the absurdity. I had no idea what they were sorry for.

"Girls, we've got a lot to chat about," Alice said, "but first I think we've got a flight to catch."

.

~AMM~

.

We managed to make quite a covert entrance to LAX, as the paparazzi had seen me arrive a few hours earlier and weren't expecting me.

Alice got us first class tickets for a flight to JFK leaving in the next half hour, and we just made it in time.

"Bella, go fix your eyes," Alice told me as soon as we had boarded and I went to remove my sunglasses. I went to the bathroom and touched up my makeup so it wouldn't be obvious I'd been crying. When this news got out it was going to be explosive, and I didn't want to add fuel to the fire.

When I came out of the bathroom, Alice and Angela had a bottle of champagne on ice for us. I raised my eyebrows at them.

"What?" Angela asked. "You don't think we could let this pass without celebrating do you?"

"Yeah, Bella, you totally stuck up for yourself," Alice enthused. "Aro's face was a picture; I'll never forget it!"

I couldn't help but smile as I took my seat; it did feel good to have removed the shackles from around me, no matter what would come next.

Once we were in the air, we filled three flutes and clinked them together.

"Aren't you a little bit scared, Bella?" Angela asked tentatively as we sipped our drinks.

I shook my head. "They can do what they like. They could take every cent I've earned through these shoots. I mean, I've taken earned millions of dollars, but am I any happier for it?" I asked rhetorically.

They nodded their understanding.

"Some things are more important than fame and fortune," I continued, thinking of Edward back in New York. I was so glad that was where I was headed. "But I'm sorry my rash decision made you two quit your jobs…" I lamented. "What will you do?"

"Bella, please," Alice waved me off. "I've got so many offers and opportunities; I'm spoiled for choice. You were the only thing keeping me at Volturi."

"Exactly," Angela agreed. "In fact, I didn't want to tell you before but I've been offered a job at Eclipse," she told us, naming a new, up and coming modelling agency. "It's a higher position and I'd be on more money. Plus, I won't have a creep as a boss!"

"What would you have done if I hadn't quit?"

She shrugged. "I'd have probably stayed."

I stared at her, aghast. Their friendship and unswerving loyalty meant the world to me. I knew I had support for the decision I'd made.

We chattered and giggled as we recalled every moment of my confrontation with Aro and the implications. I think it had taken the row Edward and I had had the previous night to make me realise what was more important. Volturi could sue me if the liked; I'd much rather have a happy marriage than a shitload of money in the bank.

Lunchtime came and we perused the menus, but I wasn't hungry. I wanted to see Edward desperately, and I was contemplating ringing him. _No, _I decided. He might still be angry, and this would be a much better birthday surprise for him to see me arrive home tonight.

.

~AMM~

.

By the time we landed in JFK later that evening, word had got out that something was going on between me and the agency. Whether it was one of the assistants, or someone who saw me board the plane, the rumour mill was working overtime.

"_Bella, what are you doing back in New York so soon?"_

"_Have you left Volturi?"_

"_What are your future plans?"_

Angela leant forward to whisper in my ear, "Don't say anything; the more you say the worse it'll get."

I nodded infinitesimally and we continued on through the airport. I had given Seth time off until Monday, so we decided just to jump in cabs. Security were prepared to order a towncar, but I politely declined.

Angela got in a separate cab whilst Alice and I shared one. Before we parted we agreed to meet up after the weekend and discuss our next moves.

As we drove through the bustling city, I began to grow nervous, and I fiddled anxiously with my necklace. What if Edward was still mad at me? What if we had another fight?

"Bella," Alice said sternly, breaking me from my thoughts, "stop worrying. Just go home and make up with him."

"We didn't leave things well, Ali, and I haven't spoken to him all day."

"Maybe that was best; it gave you both time to cool off," she reasoned.

I nodded at her logic as the car pulled to a stop outside her building. We hugged goodbye and waved as she shut the door. I turned to gaze out at the city lights as the driver headed back out onto the busy roads.

How relieved I was to be home, knowing I didn't have to leave again soon and jet off somewhere. I didn't know what my next step would be, but I would discuss it with Edward. We would move forward together.

It was with that thought that the cab pulled up outside our apartment building. Felix was on duty, and he came to help me with my luggage with a warm smile on his kind face.

The elevator ride up to our floor seemed excruciatingly slow, and when the doors pinged open I dashed out of them, keys at the ready. It was getting on for 11PM now, so I opened the door quietly just in case he was asleep. I left my case and bag by the door and tiptoed in. There was a half empty bottle of whisky open on the coffee table and a takeout pizza. I smiled to myself, although I felt a twinge of guilt that this was how he had spent his birthday.

I took a few steps toward the bedroom, when I heard a low moan. Porn, takeout and whisky; what a birthday indeed.

My amusement turned to confusion as I heard where the noises were emanating from: the spare room. Why would he be watching porn in the spare room?

I padded down the hall softly to the half open door.

What I saw next tipped my world upside down.

* * *

**Uh-oh...**

**Please review :)**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

**EPOV**

Sleep had been difficult to find the previous night, and I tossed and turned as if wrestling with my conscience. I'd really lost it with Bella. I knew I'd said some harsh things she didn't deserve, but her job always interrupted our lives. I was just so _angry, a_nd I knew I was angry with myself too.

I was still irritable when I awoke, having thrashed continuously in my sleep. I dreamt I was chasing something, or someone, but they were always just out of reach, disappearing around the next corner. What annoyed me most was I didn't know who or what I was chasing anymore, which was an accurate reflection of my life. The doubt that was in my mind was scaring me.

I got out of bed and went to the en-suite, switching on the warm water of the shower. I knew another reason why I was irritable; I hadn't had a release in a long time. I'd denied myself the pleasure of even my own hand … but now … why not?

I soaped up my hand and ran it over my morning erection. Damn that felt good. I stroked myself slowly, my head falling back slightly as I relished the feeling. I found my mind wandering, and I couldn't stop it anymore. I couldn't help but fantasize. And this time it wasn't about my wife.

I let myself remember the burning touch of Riley's hand on my knee, his heady scent, his soft lips … how I'd wanted to thread my fingers through his hair.

I pumped my cock harder as I imagined his chiselled torso, his muscular thighs, how his cock would have felt through his pants if I'd have reached out and touched it. I imagined him wrapping his large hand around my throbbing dick, and that was all it took for me to spurt my release on the shower wall.

I let the pleasure course through me and take over. It was only as I recovered myself and rinsed the wall that I felt I had taken a step further into the unknown.

I got out of the shower, dried and dressed for work. It was still early so I assumed Bella was asleep; I hadn't asked what time her flight was, probably because I didn't want to know.

I didn't want to wake her because I was still pissed off and it would probably lead to another argument, but I quietly popped my head around the door.

The bed was empty and her case was gone. I checked the rest of the apartment but she wasn't here, and there was no note. That just pissed me off even more. She had gone away without a word? No 'Happy Birthday', not even a goodbye.

I grabbed my laptop bag and slammed the front door on the way out.

Once down in the lobby, I checked the mailbox. I was surprised to see it was filled with what seemed to be a magazine. I pulled it out, thinking it was junk, and that's when I recognised what it was.

On the front cover of FHM, was my wife's half-naked, dripping wet torso. She was thigh deep in water, droplets of water cascading down her body. Her arms were behind her head, her breasts pushed up in a tiny, revealing black bra. The look she was giving the camera was pure sex, her eyes smouldering as the black eye make-up smudged sexily. It was hot enough to turn a gay man straight, I swear.

'_Black Swan'- Super Sexy Siren Bella Swan Gets Wet for You._

All I could feel as I stared at it was anger. The thought that next week there would be thousands, millions, of men poring over these exact images, probably jacking off over them, filled me with revulsion. And Bella was away doing another of these shoots today.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

I stuffed the magazine into my bag and stormed out into the warm June day.

_Happy Birthday to me. _

.

~AMM~

.

I seemed to like tormenting myself, because I couldn't help but flick through the magazine as I sat at my desk that morning, staring moodily at the images of my wife.

I was so preoccupied I didn't hear the knock at my door at first.

"Erm, Edward?" came Riley's voice tentatively.

My eyes shot up, momentarily forgetting the photos before me, and as soon as my eyes met his I was hit with the memory of last night in my office.

Fuck. We kissed.

He obviously thought I was mad at him because he came in and shut the door, pleading with me with his eyes.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I was out of line last night. Please don't be angry."

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "I'm not mad at you, Riley. I'm mad at myself, and this," I muttered, flinging the magazine across the desk. He picked it up, and his eyes widened as he took it in.

"Wow," he mumbled. "This is how she shows her appreciation to you? Showing off her body to the world like _this?_"

"It gets better," I told him sarcastically, quite relieved there wasn't any awkwardness between the two of us. "She's now gone away to do a shoot for Maxim."

"I thought you two were going away this weekend?"

"We were," I concurred. "Apparently her job is more important."

"Was it like an anniversary or something?" he asked, with a hint of distaste to his voice.

"It's my birthday, actually."

His eyebrows shot up and his face broke out into a grin. "Right, I'm not taking no for an answer; we're going out to celebrate tonight. You're not moping around."

"Thanks, but I don't really feel like celebrating," I sighed. "I feel like going home and drinking my weight in scotch."

He laughed warmly. "Also acceptable," he admitted. "On the condition I'm there to help you."

I bit down on my lip. It really wasn't a good idea for Riley and me to spend time together …

As if he knew what I was thinking, he held his hands out in surrender. "I promise not to come onto you," he said in a hushed voice. "Let me just be there as a friend."

I thought of Bella, hours away in LA revealing her glorious body for the camera as I sat alone. I thought of the magazine taunting me from my desk, set to sell millions of copies to men so they could get off to images of my wife. Why the hell shouldn't I have the company of a friend for the evening?

"Fine, we'll grab some takeout and get pissed. But you're paying," I agreed with a grin.

.

~AMM~

.

The rest of the working day passed quickly, and before I knew it, Riley and I had headed down the busy streets of Manhattan towards the apartment.

I hadn't heard from Bella all day, but equally I hadn't called her; I figured we both needed time to cool off because I was just likely to say something horrible to her again and she was probably still mad too.

It was amazing how easily Riley and I fell back into our roles as friends, and I was glad for it. But though I tried to deny it to myself, there was still an edge to the air, a spark, a tension. I didn't encourage it, nor did I shy from it.

We were laughing as we sat back on the sofa with glasses of scotch. Riley joked it was the finest liquor he'd ever drunk, and that got us sharing anecdotes of our student days, although mine were long over.

"It's true!" he insisted. "The whole kitchen was covered in inches of water. We were up all night trying to soak it up with towels so we wouldn't get found out!"

I threw my head back laughing raucously. We'd had a few beers before the scotch and it was definitely taking effect.

"And you carried on the party?" I asked.

He shrugged, his shoulders shaking with laughter. "Why not? We could have started a craze."

"Ah, I miss student life sometimes," I sighed wistfully.

"You should come to a student party sometime," he said. "All the friends I share with still go to NYU."

"Yeah, I'm sure they'd love an old man like me crashing their party," I chuckled before sipping my scotch.

"Please," he waved me off, "you'd be the eye candy."

I laughed softly. "And how is that going to convince me to go?"

"Well, how about this," he murmured, running his hand up and down the edge of his glass. I didn't know if he knew just what that motion was doing to me right now. "There'd be plenty of dark, empty rooms. No one would know you."

I looked up, meeting his intense blue stare. I knew what he was hinting at, and the air around us had changed from the casual, laidback laughter to being filled with sexual tension. I'd never admitted to Riley I was attracted to him in so many words, but the slightly drunken haze caused the words to spill out freely.

"I can't stop thinking about you," I admitted, putting my glass down on the table. "It's not easy to fight it, you know."

"Then don't," he whispered. "I meant it, Edward; I won't come onto you if you don't want it. But why fight your desires anymore? I know you feel this," he murmured, gesturing between us.

"But…"

"She's not here, is she, Edward? How much can she really care?"

I didn't have an answer for him right at that moment; my brain seemed to be two seconds behind my body. I moved forward towards him and captured his lips in a searing kiss, his face between my hands. He returned it with equal vigour, his hand trailing up and down my clothed chest, along my thighs, and finally palming my hardening cock through the material of my pants.

My body seemed to be acting of its own volition now. While my mind was telling me this was wrong, my trembling hands were reaching for the buttons of his shirt.

When I had finished with them, he shrugged out of it, revealing his sculpted torso with its tantalising 'V' shape. My heart was thudding in my ears as I followed suit and pulled my own shirt off. I ran my hands over his upper arms, feeling his muscles. My hands wound into his hair, and I pulled him back into a desperate, needy kiss. Every second of sexual tension between us was poured into it, as we bit, sucked and tasted. I couldn't get enough of him; he was everywhere. His scent was all encompassing, his taste mouth-watering.

"Bedroom," he muttered between kisses, and we got to our feet, still lip-locked. We made slow progress down the hall towards the spare room. I knew I was ashamed of my actions because I wouldn't take him into mine and Bella's room, but I didn't seem able to stop what was happening. I couldn't bring myself to; it was as if I were under a spell.

When we finally reached the end of the bed, I reached down and unzipped his slacks, feeling his hard cock underneath. I almost whimpered. His pants dropped to the floor, leaving him in just his black boxer-briefs. He wound his arms around my neck and rested his forehead against mine, our erections pressing into each other. Slowly I reached inside his boxers and released his throbbing dick. He stepped out of them as I gazed in wonder at him. He was big and so, so hard.

Wordlessly he finished undressing me, and when we were both naked, he put his hands on my shoulders, pushing me gently, but firmly down. I could tell he was dominant in the bedroom, and I was glad to submit. I got to my knees and my mouth was inches from his cock as I looked up at him. He was breathing heavily as he took his cock in hand.

Entranced, I opened my mouth and darted my tongue out to taste his salty flesh, licking up his pre-cum. It made us both moan lowly as I licked up and down, my hands resting on his firm ass.

"That's it, fucking suck it," he grunted as I took him in deeper, his eyes staring down into mine.

I licked and sucked, scraping my teeth lightly over his hard cock. I massaged his balls as I relaxed my throat and took more of him in, letting it constrict around his length.

"Fuck, Edward," he groaned. "You're so good at sucking dick."

I doubled my efforts as he started thrusting down my throat; he was so powerful. I was so turned on I had to reach down and stroke my cock to get some relief.

"Come here, baby," he gritted out, pulling my hands up. I released his dick from my mouth, and he lay down on the bed. "I need to suck your big cock, too," he added with a wink.

I lay with my head next to his cock and mine next to his mouth. Without warning, he took a long lick up the underside of my shaft, and I moaned loudly. I went back to work on his cock and his balls, swirling my tongue around and sucking him deep. It felt so fucking good, and combined with how he was working me, it was damn near euphoric.

The room was filled with the wet sounds of us sucking each other off as we continued to 69, and I felt my abs tense deliciously.

"Fuck!" he groaned as he released my cock momentarily. "I'm gonna cum, Edward!"

That spurred me on even more and I reached up, stroking the inside of his asshole with my finger. That sent him over the edge and suddenly his hot cum was pouring down my throat as he groaned and grunted his way through his orgasm. I drank everything he gave me greedily. I slowly released his cock just as he sucked me in again, faster and harder this time, and I knew I wouldn't be far behind him.

My thighs and balls tingled, the warmth spreading from my core as I moaned. I was hit by a wave of bliss as I pumped my release down his throat, and I rode out my climax, my eyes shut tight.

Gradually it receded, and with it so did the spell I was under.

The sound of our panting echoed in my head deafeningly like an alarm.

The alcohol-induced fog was clearing and with it came the horrible realization of what had just happened.

I had just cheated on my wife, on my Bella. I had broken my marriage vows to the sweetest, most beautiful creature there ever was on this earth. All because of jealousy and lust.

I was the lowest of things.

I got up quickly from the bed and started throwing my boxers and slacks on. Riley looked up at me in lazy confusion from where he lay on the bed.

"You need to go," I told him, feeling as if the walls were closing in on me. I didn't want him here; it wasn't him I needed.

He furrowed his brow at my words, clearly bewildered by this turn of events.

"Now, Riley," I insisted as my eyes stung. "Please."

He gathered up his things from the floor and dressed, and I took the chance to escape the room. I rested my forehead against the wall in the living area, shutting my eyes tightly in pain.

Finally he came out of the guest room, and I felt his hand on my shoulder. I jumped like I had been scolded, pushing him away.

"Don't," I pleaded. I couldn't bear to feel his touch; it made bile rise up in my stomach. "I … I can't," I choked as tears clouded my vision. "Please, just get out!"

He slowly nodded and put his shirt back on. The seconds seemed like hours until he finally walked to the front door, gathering up his jacket. It was only then that he spoke. I couldn't bring myself to look at him, so ashamed of what I had done.

"You know where I am, Edward," he whispered, and with that I heard the front door click shut.

I wiped the tears that were now freely falling from my eyes. I felt like I was suffocating, the reality of what had just happened weighing heavily on my chest. I couldn't get a handle on myself; the fear and guilt were just too much.

I ran to the bathroom and emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet basin, my body trying to expel the physical remnants of my exploit. Knowing I had taken a part of him inside of me made me heave until there was nothing left.

I brushed my teeth as futile, angry tears burned my eyes. The mirror taunted me, but I couldn't bring myself to look and see the person I now hated staring back at me.

I needed to get the scent of Riley off of me; to get rid of every physical, tangible trace of our deed. I climbed in the shower and scrubbed myself hard in almost scolding water, so hot my skin flushed red. It was my attempt to wash away the encounter, to burn it from memory; as if I could scrub hard and long enough that my mind would be cleansed also.

When the burning water even began to lose its heat, I finally switched off the shower and dressed for bed. It seemed so banal to put on a pair of sleep pants after what had just happened.

I knew that if this were a normal evening, I would ring Bella, especially since we hadn't spoken all day, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. How do you talk normally to the love of your life when you've just cheated on them? My apologies for the row the previous night would be but a mask for my real crimes.

In a stupor, desperately trying to keep my mind from straying further than the tasks at hand, I removed all the linen from the bed in the guest room. Along with my clothes I had been wearing, I threw the laundry on, though I planned to throw it out anyway.

Thoughts were forcing their way to the forefront of my mind, images and memories were branded inside of me. I needed to escape my head. Literally.

I grabbed the half empty bottle of scotch and poured myself a double, downing it in one gulp as the ultimate question settled in my head.

_What the hell had I done?!_

* * *

**Oh dear...**


	9. Chapter 9

**Thank you all you wonderful people! Let's get on with it, shall we?**

* * *

**Chapter 9**

**BPOV**

I stood there transfixed in horror at the sight before me. My husband was on his knees, naked, sucking his _friend _off. I couldn't move. I couldn't make a sound; I was paralyzed in my shock.

"_That's it, fucking suck it,"_ Riley groaned and I had to cover my mouth to prevent a pained whimper from bursting from my lips.

I was absolutely numb as I continued to watch, aghast but unable to turn away.

"_Fuck, Edward," _he moaned. "_You're so fucking good at sucking dick."_

Tears were blurring my vision now, but the images I'd seen would be forever burned in my retinas.

"_Come here, baby; I need to suck your big cock, too,"_ Riley instructed. My lips trembled at the term of endearment he used. I watched, still horror-struck as my husband and his lover began 69ing on the bed I had slept in the previous night. Hearing my husband moan for somebody else tore pieces from my heart.

My body finally seemed to my brain's message to get the fuck out of there, and not wanting to draw attention to my presence, I crept quickly but quietly down the hall and to the open door. Tears fell freely as I took my luggage and headed down to the empty lobby. My brain still couldn't quite comprehend what was happening; all I knew was I needed to be away from here and then I could break down.

Once out on the Manhattan streets, I didn't know what to do or where to go. I was lost in the place I called my home.

Somehow I managed to hail a cab and I stumbled into it. The driver didn't seem to be bothered by the crying woman in the backseat as he absentmindedly asked me where I was headed.

I didn't want to see anyone, I just wanted to be alone and let my heart break completely. Only my desire and need for solitude were keeping the fissure inside me from splitting wide open just yet.

I managed to choke out the name of the Mandarin Oriental hotel; it wasn't far away but I needed the discretion they could offer. I didn't want anyone to know where I was.

We weaved through the late night traffic and I fumbled with the notes in my wallet as we pulled up in front of the building.

The porters and doormen looked at me like I was crazy as I continued to cry, holding back the sobs that were aching to break free. At the reception desk they did a double take, eyeing me suspiciously, as if weighing up whether to allow this hysterical woman into the establishment.

My plentiful supply of cash that I luckily had in my wallet was enough to convince them, however, and I signed in as Rosalie Hale, using my sister-in-law's maiden name. Someone may have recognised me, although whether I was still identifiable in this state was debatable in itself. Nevertheless, it was safer to give a false name. I didn't know how long I could fly under the radar, but the longer the better.

I couldn't tell you about the infamous, opulent style of the hotel as I walked through the lobby. I didn't notice a single detail as I tripped and stumbled my way through the cloud of tears to my room.

As soon as I was inside, I clicked the door shut, locked and bolted it. I sank down against the door as I finally let my heart splinter and shatter. The room was filled with the most dreadful, high-pitched keening noise, and I realized it was coming from me.

I could feel my heart breaking, a physical ache that made me clutch at my chest as if I could pull the knife that had been plunged into it. My heart was shattering, being pulverised to dust until all that remained was a gaping hole. I never knew pain like this existed.

My mind was assaulted by the scene I had witnessed, and I felt my empty stomach turn. I managed to pull myself up from the floor and make it to the bathroom in time to dry wretch into the toilet basin over and over again until I was bringing up bile. I sank down against the side of the bathtub as the sounds emanating from my chest became louder and louder. My howls were that of a wounded animal as I sobbed my heart out.

In one moment, my past, present and future had been stolen from me. My past memories would be forever tainted, my present had become a living nightmare, and the future I had imagined laid out before me for years had been ripped apart in a second.

My mind wouldn't let up for a second as questions rose to the surface. How long had it been going on? What was wrong with me, why couldn't I keep him happy? Was our row yesterday fake; was he secretly pleased I was gone? Were they asleep now, wrapped in each other's arms in post-coital bliss?

And most painful of all; did he love him?

I tried to muffle my cries now as they were growing increasingly loud, so I crawled, too weak to stand, to the bed and pulled the covers onto the floor, making a cocoon around myself. I didn't have the strength to get up anymore; I was beaten, and so I lay, all alone, bawling my eyes out in the dark as I grieved for the love I had lost.

.

-x-

.

I didn't sleep for a single second. I watched, detached, as the sky paled, and the sun rose in the New York dawn, the soft rays filtering onto my face. I had cried until there was nothing left, and my sobs changed to heartbroken sniffles.

I was aching from lying on the floor all night, my throat hurt, and my eyes felt heavy and swollen. While the skies may have changed, time for me stood still; I didn't know what I was supposed to do. There was no rhyme or reason to anything anymore. Everything that made sense in my world had been torn to shreds by Edward.

I was thankful my phone was still dead, but I knew he would call Alice when I didn't answer and I couldn't bear to face him yet.

I knew what I must do; as soon as it was done I could lock myself away and watch, without seeing, the world continue to turn through these very windows.

I shakily got to my feet, and dragged my heavy, weary body towards the bathroom. The face looking back at me was one I didn't recognise. The figure before me was so forlorn, her eyes so full of pain, and her face so utterly broken and defeated that I was surprised she was still breathing.

I switched on the taps and began cleansing my face of the black make-up that had run rivers down my cheeks, and even dripped onto my shirt. My eyes really were swollen, to the point that my vision was slightly reduced by the weight of the puffy lids.

I didn't shower, I didn't change my clothes. What was the point when your world has been destroyed? I left my unpacked case where it stood by the door, covered my eyes with my sunglasses, and just took my keys.

_Just one hour,_ I thought. _Just keep it together for one hour and then you can hide away._

I checked my watch as I made my way out onto the city streets. It was nearing 11 AM, which was usually the time Edward left for the gym on a Saturday morning. I didn't know if his plans had changed…it was a risk, but this might be the only opportunity to get my things.

Had Riley stayed over the night? Were they eating breakfast together, laughing behind my back at my naivety? Would they walk hand-in-hand through Central Park in the summer sunshine, like carefree lovers?

The thoughts made the occasional dry sob erupt from my chest, and passers-by looked warily at me as I dragged myself onward, occasionally stumbling from the weight of my pain.

Felix greeted me warmly but anxiously, asking if I was okay. I gave him a small nod, fearing how my voice would sound. I was frightened to open my mouth in case I burst into hysterics again.

It was with great trepidation that I approached the front door of the apartment. I listened carefully, but I couldn't hear any voices coming from inside so I decided to take my chance. I felt sick returning to this place; every good memory we had created here was poisoned, tainted. It was the home we had built together, and now it was repulsive to me. That Edward would treat this place so disdainfully compounded my pain; what meant so much to me obviously was of little value to him.

The apartment was tidy; it looked just as it ever did. It seemed strange to think I had spent my last night here, and standing in the living area just reminded me of the very first night Edward and I spent in this place.

_Flashback_

_The apartment was ours officially now. We had been moving some items in today, and I was exhausted._

_I stared out at the dusky sky, feeling a real sense of contentment wash over me for the first time since my father had died. Edward came up behind me, his arms winding around my waist as he rested his head on my shoulder._

"_Are you happy, baby?"_

"_So happy," I told him, leaning back into his chest._

_He skimmed his nose along my shoulder and my neck, pressing soft, loving butterfly kisses on my skin. "Why don't we stay here tonight?" he murmured._

_I giggled softly. "We don't have a bed yet, Edward."_

"_We'll make camp in here," he said simply, disappearing to find the fluffy covers and duvets we had brought with us for the linen closet. _

_He made a little nest for us, and wrapped in each other's arms we watched as the sky turned indigo. Lit by just a few low lamps and the sprawling city below us, we kissed softly and sensually, we talked, joked and laughed._

_We wordlessly stripped naked, and he worshipped every inch of my body with tender, loving kisses and touches. I was going mad with desire by the time he finally pushed into me, and I wrapped my legs around him to pull him deeper._

_His thrusts were long, slow and deep, as he silently conveyed his love for me. When we reached our climaxes, we came together, and he poured himself into me before resting his head in my neck._

"_I'm going to love you like this forever, baby," he murmured._

_We made love until the sun came up the next morning, and I had no doubt he was telling the truth._

End Flashback

A whimper sounded from my lips as the happy memory assaulted me. How I had believed him then. How I had believed him on our wedding day when he had sworn he would forsake all others for me. So much of what he said was clearly a lie that I didn't know what was real and what wasn't anymore. All I did know was he had never loved me like I had him, and as I foolishly continued to do.

I didn't know how long I would have alone here, so I hastened to what used to be _our _bedroom and grabbed the largest case from the walk-in closet. I knew I couldn't get all my belongings now, but I would take what I could. I took clothes from their hangers and drawers, throwing them into the case open on the bed. I took my childhood teddy bear and the few baubles I had inherited from Grandma Swan. Next to go in were photo of friends, of Rose, Emmett and Luka, and of me and my father.

I selected my favourite, most precious books from the shelves in the living area and added them to the suitcase. I found my passport and documents in the filing cabinet, just in case I needed them, and put my laptop in its bag. I cleared a shelf of toiletries, throwing some in the bin and the rest in my case which I finally zipped up.

I had almost closed it when I thought of one more thing, that in my weakness I needed to take with me. I went to Edward's drawer and pulled out one of his tees. I couldn't help but bring it to my face and inhale his scent, as fresh tears started to seep out of my eyes and into the shirt. I just needed to remember how he smelt, just for a little longer, before that too was stolen from me forever.

Adding it to my suitcase, which I then did up and set on the floor, I wiped the tears from my cheeks.

I carried my case into the living room, leaving it by the door, and picked up a silver photo frame from the end table by the sofa. It was my favourite wedding photo of us; we were staring into each other's eyes, and I remember thinking I'd never seen such love in them. I looked at our smiling faces, a joy that he had taken from us and stomped all over.

Removing the back from the frame I pulled the photo out, holding it in my trembling hands. My vision clouded, distorting the image in front of me, and with a deep breath, I tore my most precious memory in two.

I took the pieces to the office and found an envelope, sliding them inside. I grabbed a pen and wrote my simple message on the front.

_I hope he was worth it._

I carried the unsealed envelope back to the bedroom. There was one last heart-breaking task to do. With shaking fingers, I took off first my engagement ring, and then my wedding band. I placed a kiss on each, and squeezed them tight in my palm, shutting my eyes in pain before dropping the rings into the envelope and sealing it.

I laid it on the bed and turned on my heel to the front door where my hastily gathered belongings sat waiting for me.

There was no sound as I looked around the apartment for the last time, as if it was mourning what had been lost also.

It was time to go now; if I stayed who knew what I might do. Lifting my bag over my shoulder and wheeling my case, I shut the door on the place that had been my marital home once and for all.

I didn't look back.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

**EPOV**

Waking up on the couch from my whisky-induced sleep confirmed my deepest fear; last night really had happened.

I really had cheated on the love of my life.

I moved my aching body up and put my head in my hands. What was I going to do? Could I really keep this from her? Could I live the rest of my life with this secret, or should I be honest and risk losing the best thing that ever happened to me?

To say I was disgusted with myself was the understatement of the century. It killed me to even consider the idea of Bella ever with anyone else; how could I have done this to her?

I didn't even know what I had got from it. A cheap thrill and a quick orgasm. Being with Riley was nothing like being with Bella. I'd let my stupid, arrogant self give in to my infatuation because I was jealous and petulant. Instead of talking to my wife, I had betrayed her.

It was nearing 9:00AM, so it would only be six in LA. I didn't know what I was going to do in the long run, but I needed to hear her voice. I just needed her so fucking badly.

I found my phone in my jacket pocket and dialled her cell, my heart pounding anxiously as I did so. It went straight to voicemail. She was probably still asleep, so I decided I would ring her in a few hours. That would give me more time to get my head straight.

Needing something, anything, to do, I set about tidying up the empty bottles, pizza box and the table, which was still set from the night before Bella went away. It felt strange to do such ordinary activities, as if something should have fundamentally shifted with the world when I committed my sin.

That's what it was: a sin. Riley had been the forbidden fruit, and I had used my flimsy excuses to give in to temptation. My fascination with him disappeared as soon as we finished our tryst; it was the promising allure of the unknown that kept him so beguiling, and it was only afterwards that I could see there was no further depth to my feelings. Why was I so weak?

I was growing increasingly angry as I paced the living area, so I went to the bedroom and threw on some basketball shorts and a T-shirt. I seriously needed my trip to the gym, needed to push my body beyond its limits, as if I could outrun my very self.

.

~AMM~

.

I had never had such an exhausting work out. I ran until my legs and lungs were burning from exertion, and only then did I move onto the punch bag. I imagined it was my own face as I pummelled it again and again, my manic behaviour attracting a few curious glances.

No amount of pain was going to stop me as I moved onto the weights, using my anger as fuel to lift heavy loads.

Finally, I slunk off to the showers feeling sore and worn out.

The gym wasn't far from home, so I walked back in the June sunshine, anticipating my call to Bella when I got there. What should I do?

I had to try and save her from this pain; I just couldn't tell her yet. It would destroy her, destroy us. But there was something niggling in my mind saying the secret would fester and find a way to come between us if I didn't.

"Good morning, Mr Cullen," Felix greeted, shooting me a curious look. "I hope you don't think I'm out of line, but I'm a bit worried about your wife."

I was taken aback. It made no sense.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, she doesn't usually take trips so close together, and she looked very upset this morning."

I was perplexed; was that why she didn't answer her phone earlier, because she was on a flight home?

"Wait," I frowned, "are you sure you've seen her?"

He looked equally puzzled at my question. "Why yes, Sir," he agreed. "She came home last night."

His words came at me as if through a tunnel, reverberating off the sides. She'd been here? She'd been in this building?

I felt that slow, sinking feeling, as all the blood drained from my face. No! No, no, no, no, no! She couldn't have been there, I would have heard her!

Not even pausing to reply to Felix, I made my way as quickly as possible up to our apartment. "Please, no …" I mumbled to myself as I fumbled with my keys. It wasn't true. It couldn't be true.

"Bella?!" I called into the apartment. "Bella, where are you?"

There was no response, and my stomach sank even further. I ran into the bedroom and into the closet. Most of her clothes were gone. Still not believing what was happening, _refusing _to believe what was happening, I checked the drawers, the bathroom. Her stuff was gone.

"No …" I choked, my voice thick as I stared through blurry eyes at the half empty room. Her photo albums were gone, along with all her prized possessions.

Maybe she was just still mad over our row, I tried to reason to myself. It didn't mean she … saw. It couldn't mean that, because the implications were incomprehensible. But she wasn't here; she was gone.

That's when I saw it: the envelope lying on my side of the bed. My heart was thudding with fear in my ears, and I rushed over to it, picking it up and reading the words that confirmed my worst fears. She had been here; she had seen everything. My wife had witnessed the worst thing a husband could do.

_I hope he was worth it._

I choked out a sob as I read her handwriting, my knees trembling as I ripped open the envelope.

Inside were two parts of a photograph; our favourite wedding photo. She had torn it down the middle, and the pained whimper that broke from my lips echoed through the room.

There was something else at the bottom of the envelope, so I tipped the contents into my palm.

This time the most dreadful wail of lament burst from my chest as I stared down at her two rings. My knees gave out as I crumpled in pain and my world crashed down around me.

"Bella," I cried, tears flowing from my eyes as I squeezed the bands tightly in my palm. She needed these; they belonged to her. They represented my undying love for her … and she'd returned them.

Devastation. Absolute devastation was all I could feel.

The prospect of a life without her was inconceivable. She was my everything; I couldn't live without her.

I tucked the rings safely in my pocket and fumbled for my phone. I would make this okay; I would explain. I just had to have her back here with me.

Her cell went to voicemail again. "Bella, baby, I made a mistake," I cried into the phone. "Please, tell me where you are. Let me explain, Bella, please. I love you so much."

Phone call after phone call, message after message, I finally moved on to calling my sister.

"_Hello?"_

"Alice," I choked out, "is Bella with you?"

"_No, why would she be?"_ she asked. "_I assumed you two would be getting busy celebrating, if you know what I mean."_

"Celebrating?"

"_You know, the fact she quit and to hell with the consequences?"_

I was silent. Bella had quit? She'd really given up her job and come home to me? If it was possible, I sank even lower than before, rock bottom giving way to new depths. My breaths began to come unevenly; this had to be a nightmare. I would wake up any minute now and feel her warm body lying in my arms...

"_Edward!"_ Alice yelled. "_What's going on?"_

"We, uh, had a row," I lied. If my sister was going to help me, I couldn't tell her the truth.

Alice cursed under her breath. "_You dumb fuck!" _she screeched.

"I know, please, just help me find her."

"_Fine! But not for you; you may be my twin, but Bella is my best friend. And if, no- _when- _I find her, then I'm kicking your sorry ass."_

"You have my permission."

"_Like I need it," _she muttered. "_I'll call you when I have news."_

After she hung up, I called Rose, who chewed me out just like my sister. _Heaven help me when they find out the truth, _I thought.

She didn't know where Bella was either. Neither did Angela. I began trawling gossip sites, looking for any sighting of her since she arrived back in New York, but there was nothing.

I checked our bank accounts, but no transactions had been made. How could she have just disappeared into thin air?

While all I wanted to do was collapse into a ball and berate myself, give in to the self-loathing, I knew Bella deserved better. She was out there somewhere, hurting, and I would not give myself the luxury of wallowing. I was realising too late these were things I should have done before; I had indulged in my bitterness, my jealousy, my childishness, rather than facing the issue head on.

So, I put my pain to the side, as much as was possible, and took to the streets.

.

~AMM~

.

48 hours. 48 hours with no word from Bella. I had looked everywhere I could think of, checked every hotel, I even asked the phone companies if she had made any calls, but there were none. I couldn't think of what else to do, so I found myself nursing a scotch at midday on a Monday, the torn pieces of our favourite wedding photograph in my hand, now stuck together with sellotape. This was not the end of my marriage; I refused to believe it. I would find Bella, and we would work through it.

But where could she have gone? I knew it was rich to say it, but it fucking broke my heart to think of her alone and in pain. Who was I kidding; I'd already broken my own heart when I broke my marriage vows.

She needed someone to hold her and help her, but she had hidden herself away somewhere. It sent a chill down my spine when I thought of the possibilities ... I had always known Bella better than myself, but I realised now we really had drifted apart, almost without realising. Or maybe I had just refused to see it.

But still ... Bella, my Bella ... she wouldn't do anything stupid, right? The thought sent an icy chill down my spine.

I was pulled from my reverie by my phone ringing.

"Bella?" I answered.

I was met with my sister's seething voice. "_Edward ... What. Did. You. Do?"_


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

**BPOV**

Sunlight came, sunlight went. That was the only sense of normality I could rely on right now. Day would turn to night; it was sure, certain, where everything else could fail you.

It seemed my mind had shut down; I don't think I'd even moved since I got back from the apartment. It had sapped the last remaining strength I had; every ounce of heartache from the past few months had wearied me, the discovery of my husband's infidelity had broken me, and leaving my marital home had compounded the pain with a deafening slam.

As I lay on the bed, not even covered up, the sounds of the streets below were fuzzy, coming in and out. I was hovering just above unconsciousness, whether from sheer exhaustion, or a mental retreat, I wasn't sure.

I could tell it was day now because of the light in front of my closed eyelids. It was so fucking lonely there. There was no one to hold my hand.

"_Bella?"_ a gentle, female voice called. I recognised it; it sounded angelic, soothing. I'd finally fallen off the ledge and slipped into insanity. "_Sweetie, please; you're scaring me. Open your eyes."_

I tried so hard to lift my heavy lids as the soft voice urged me, panic evident in her words. When I finally managed to blink slowly, I saw the spiky-haired angel looking back at me, terrified. Alice? Was I hallucinating?

Her voice was still coming from far away as my eyes closed again, and I slipped into my trance. I could feel soft strokes to my hair, brushing it away from my forehead like a mother might do to her child. Her words were becoming intermittent.

"… _something bad … won't talk … so still … need help …"_

The next thing I was aware of was a manly voice. But not _his. _I wasn't sure if I was happy about that or not.

"_Bella, darling," _he said, fatherly yet serious. "_We're going to sit you up for a second. Try for me."_

I felt them lift my dead weight, and then a bright light was being shone in my eyes.

I sagged back on the bed, listening to Alice and Carlisle's furious whispers. "_Freezing … dehydrated … hospital …"_

"No," I whispered, my voice scratchy.

"Sweetheart, if you don't want to go to the hospital, I'm going to need you to drink a sip of water. Then we'll take you home-"

I shook my head vehemently.

"Okay, we'll go to Alice's place. But I need you to try for me, okay?"

He put a bottle of water to my lips, and I drank, surprised at my own thirst. I guessed I'd forgotten about that. I was so tired, but as Carlisle supported my weight, my arm over his shoulder, I knew I had to try. Just like _that _night, I had to get to my destination. Then disappear and fade.

.

~AMM~

.

We made it to Alice's place, and I collapsed onto the bed in her spare room. Carlisle was busy preparing what looked like an IV, but I was too far gone to care now. A needle would be nothing to me.

Staring at the ceiling, I heard more hushed voices, only catching the end of the conversation.

"… call Edward."

"NO!" I shouted, with a strength I didn't know I had. My voice was hoarse, but I began flailing around as I tried to get up and escape. I couldn't see him. The pain at just hearing his name was searing me like a white hot poker through my heart.

"Shh, calm down," Carlisle said, but I couldn't. My heart was beating too fast, breaths came shorter and spots began dancing before my vision.

I felt arms around me, keeping me still, and suddenly a little sting, then a wave of calm shot through my veins. Through my lashes I saw Esme had joined us, looking on in concern. She came forward and kissed my forehead, whispering, "It's okay, sweetheart. Just rest; we won't leave you."

And with that I succumbed to the darkness again.

.

EPOV

.

"_Edward … What. Have. You. Done?"_

Fear spiked my heart at my sister's words. "Alice, please; tell me she's safe. Tell me she's okay."

"_She's safe, but she is far from okay!" _she yelled. "_I tracked her down under an alias and managed to get into her suite at the Mandarin Oriental. She was still in Friday's clothes, not talking, not opening her eyes. She was freezing cold, and I couldn't wake her!"_

My blood turned to ice.

"Where is she, Alice?" I asked.

"_She's here, but-"_

"I'll be right there," I said, already up and grabbing my keys.

"_Oh, no you don't!" _she hissed. "_I called Dad; luckily, he was in town. Bella is so dehydrated and exhausted that he's attached her to a drip. When we mentioned calling you, she freaked out and had to be sedated!"_

My knees gave way at that, tears thick in my throat.

"_So I will repeat: what did you do?!"_

"I can't talk about it before I see Bella," I said. "Please let me see her."

"_Not until Dad says so. She needs to rest, not have any more stress put on her or she'll end up in the hospital. I'll let you know when she's feeling better."_

"Alice," I choked out. "Please, just …" I paused. What could I say to convey everything I felt. "Just tell her I love her." I hung up the phone without waiting for her response and curled into a ball.

.

BPOV

.

Carlisle and Esme, with concern seemingly branded their faces, left late that night after removing the IV. Probably once they were sure I wasn't going to need to go to the hospital. Hospitals can't do anything for a broken heart, you see.

Alice told me they would be back the following day, or whenever I needed them. I just nodded. My silence was getting to her, and I knew it wasn't fair, but I couldn't find it in me to care anymore.

The next morning, I reluctantly ate the granola bar she gave me and drank the glass of orange juice. Still, I said nothing. She stripped me out of my now-odorous clothes and led me to her bathroom, where the shower had a bench. She let her own clothes get soaked as she washed me, lathered and rinsed my hair and wrapped me in a towel.

Once she was dry and dressed, she slipped my underwear and ratty pyjamas on, settled me back in the bed, combing out the tangles in my hair as tenderly as a mother. She climbed in and held me, tucking the covers around me as I cried silent tears into her fresh shirt until I was asleep again.

As I awoke, I could hear muffled voices from the living area through the semi-open door, followed by the booming voice of my brother.

"_You're not seeing her!" _Emmett yelled.

"_She's my wife!" _Edward returned.

_Oh, God! _ My hands grew clammy, and my heart was pounding at hearing his voice. How could I both love and loathe something at the same time? My insides were churning with the adrenalin rush, and the pain was so intense an anguished cry came from my throat, unbidden.

There was silence, a rush of footsteps and then suddenly, the door was pushed all the way open. Like being drawn to a magnet, my eyes met his, and for a second, I was overwhelmed at the pain I saw in them; it mirrored my own. But then my memories came back in full force, the memory of what he had done.

He rushed towards the bed, reaching for my face. "Bella-"

"Get out!" I yelled, kicking the covers off me. My shout turned to a keening wail as I flailed in my attempt to escape him.

"No, please," he begged, "oh God, Bella, I'm so sorry, so fucking sorry! I lo-"

"Don't you dare say that!" I screeched. "Don't you dare tell me you love me!"

Emmett had now reached Edward and was trying to pull him away, while Alice stood on agape.

"I do, Bella, I'm so sorry and I love you, please, come home to me," he pleaded.

"I have no home!" I yelled, jumping up on shaky legs. "Thanks to you, I have nothing except a good-for-nothing _cheat_ of a husband!"

Alice gasped as Edward sobbed, still fighting off my brother.

"Not only that, but I fucking saw you!" I screamed as I began beating my fists on his chest. "Just get out! Get out, get out, GET OUT!" I pushed hard against his chest one more time and sagged as whining howls escaped me, collapsing back into Alice's arms.

.

EPOV

.

Seeing Bella like this shattered my already broken heart. I needed to _do _something, comfort her in some way, but the only thing she wanted was for me to leave. So, I finally stopped fighting Emmett and left, meeting Alice's furious stare as I did.

"Is it true?" Emmett asked as soon as were in the living area, the sounds of Bella's cries and my hiccupping sobs filling the apartment. "Did you cheat on her?"

I dropped my head and nodded. What was the point in lying?

The next thing I knew my head was being thrown back, and my lip burst at the force of the impact. I welcomed the throbbing pain and the taste of blood in my mouth. Physical pain was quantifiable, logical. Take a painkiller and it would go away. There was no such cure for the emotional wounds, made all the worse by the fact they were self-inflicted.

"Leave," Emmett spat. "I have a lot more I want to say to you, and I really want to beat the fucking shit out of you, but right now, my sister is my priority. Don't worry though; I won't forget." He paused, his face full of disgust. "I trusted you with her."

He turned away and headed back to the bedroom where Bella's sobs could still be heard, and I slunk out of the apartment, leaving my whole world behind.

.

~AMM~

.

When I got back home, although without Bella there it could hardly be called a home, I went to clean the blood from my swelling lip. I glanced up in the mirror and almost didn't recognise the man staring back at me. I hated him. I loathed every single aspect of him, so without thinking, I raised my fist and slammed it into the mirror, shattering it like I had done my own heart.

Again, the pain was welcomed. The blood flowed fast out of the numerous cuts, and I grabbed a wash cloth and wrapped it around my hand.

I found an old t-shirt of Bella's to comfort me like a security blanket and took it into the living room, where, with a glass of scotch in hand, I sank down on the sofa.

My phone beeped and I grabbed it in my unharmed hand like lightening. My stomach sank as I read the message.

_**E- Baby, I miss you. I'm worried about you. We can make this work. I wish you were in my arms- R xoxo**_

I growled in disgust and threw my phone against the wall as hard as I could. I was such a fool; I didn't want Riley, I never really did.

I sat back, feeling the pain of my cut hand and aching heart. I breathed in the lingering scent on Bella's T-shirt, and bawled like a baby.

.

BPOV

.

When I opened my eyes, the apartment was quiet again. Emmett was sitting in the chair across the room, watching me with a sad smile on his face.

I tried to talk but my throat hurt too much, so I grabbed the glass of water beside the bed and chugged it.

"Alice has just put some dinner on if you're hungry?" he said. "I know I am. You know me, always up for food." He was trying to joke, but his voice was grave.

"No thanks," I replied, my voice flat.

"You've gotta eat, little sis. Otherwise Dr. C. might have to admit you."

"Fine."

"You don't fool me," he said gently, sitting down on the bed beside me. He was such a teddy bear really, with the biggest heart. "You're trying to push us away, but we won't let you do that. We're here to take care of you."

"It's okay, Em," I said. "You don't need to be here; you've got Rose and Luka. I'll be okay."

"Don't be silly, Bells; we love you." His face grew thunderous as he cracked his knuckles. "What Edward did-"

I flinched at his name and jumped from the bed, my legs still weak. "You know what? I think I'll go help Alice in the kitchen."

And thus began denial.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

**EPOV**

My jaw throbbed when I woke up and my hand, that took an age to stop bleeding, was sore and aching. But that was nothing compared to the pain in my heart. I remembered how utterly broken my sweet Bella looked yesterday and whimpered like an animal bleeding out, dying a slow death.

There was a knock at the front door, a loud constant thumping. My sister, Emmett or Rose? Lesser of three evils? I honestly didn't care anymore. Let them beat me to within an inch of my life; I deserved to feel every blow that came my way.

As I pulled it open, my already bruised face was met with a resounding slap, the force behind it snapping my neck back.

I shook my dazed head to clear it, seeing my twin standing before me. "Alice," I greeted.

"Don't 'Alice' me you bastard!" she hissed, slamming the door behind her as she appraised me. "Looks like Emmett got a good hit in, too."

I nodded and dropped my head in shame. I was expecting a verbal tirade, possibly more violence involving sharp implements. What I was met with took me by surprise and hurt more than any physical beatings.

"How could you, Edward?" Alice whispered, her eyes swimming with tears, reflecting her deep sadness and disappointment. "How could you do that to her?"

"I have no excuse, Alice," I said. "Things have been bad for a while, and with her cancelling the trip and the magazine … plus a load of alcohol … it just happened. I was so angry at her for choosing her job over me, fed up of feeling second best."

"You're right," she said. "That is no excuse. You're my twin, Edward; I thought I knew you better than I did myself. I don't recognise this man."

"Neither do I," I choked out, and broke down into sobs, my head in my hands.

Alice sighed and pulled me over to the sofa. She was pissed, but we shared that bond, one that told me if the situation was reversed, as much as I would dislike what she did, I would comfort her when she was hurting; we felt each other's pain.

She held my head in her lap and stroked my hair as I cried. "I'm sorry, Edward," she said, "but I have to take care of Bella, too."

I understood. She was caught in the middle, another thing to add to my guilt list.

"I promise I'll try and be here for both of you," she continued, "even though you're the world's biggest ass, and I kind of hate you right now." She was deadly serious about the last part.

"I hate me, too." There was a long silence before I spoke again. "Alice, can you do something for me?"

She looked sceptical, unwilling. "What?"

"Just take care of Bella. She's more important than me right now."

.

**BPOV**

.

I was sick of people walking on eggshells around me, as if I might break at any moment, or take a razor to my wrists. Every morning I got up and showered, chewed some cardboard-tasting cereal, and climbed back into bed.

Rose and Emmett came to see me again, and I knew for a fact, my brother had hit my cheating husband. Part of me wondered if he was okay, and I hated that part. I wanted to loathe his guts entirely, yet I couldn't.

No one knew I read his texts every night. I never replied, but I read his apologies, his pleading, his professions of love that got more frantic and more desperate with each I ignored. Even they couldn't reach me in my frozen state; they were just words on a screen. I didn't think about the man sitting behind that screen, because my mind would begin torturing me with possibilities. Was he still seeing Riley? Was he glad I'd left and just feeling guilty out of courtesy? Was he really sorry?

My days were spent in front of the TV. I answered when asked a question, but apart from that, I kept my mouth shut and my eyes glued to the screen, though I didn't take in a thing. Emmett tried to cheer me with jokes and big bear hugs. Esme kept me fed, she fretted, she apologised. I wasn't quite sure why; she and Carlisle had instilled the right values in their son. Maybe I really was the problem?

Carlisle kept me monitored, insisting I go on a nutritional plan to gain some weight, and began dealing with the backlash from my breach of contract. Alice busied herself doing anything she could, and she and Rose would often climb in bed beside me, huddle under the duvet and tell me over and over again that it wasn't my fault.

But I knew it was. I loved one man in the world so much, and I couldn't be what he wanted. _You're not good enough, _my inner voice told me. _You're not what he needs. He had to find pleasure in someone else. You're pathetic._

The concern on everyone's faces grew day by day, and my response to their questions was always, 'I'm fine.' I wasn't fine, I knew that deep down. I didn't think I would ever be fine ever again.

I knew Alice, Esme and Carlisle were going to visit _him. _I couldn't blame them; he was family. Emmett and Rose tried to get me to go stay with them, but I didn't want to bring my messed-up self around Luka. How could you explain my change in character to a child?

I was surprised I couldn't cry; I was just a robot. Wash, rinse, repeat. And every night when I closed my eyes, I saw the scene I witnessed.

One day, while I was staring blankly at some Lifetime movie, with Rose and Alice by my side, Alice finally snapped. "Dammit, Bella!" she yelled. "Talk to us!"

I didn't look at her. "I'm f-"

"Do not say you are fine!" she shouted. "You are far from fine! It's like you're just a shell."

That was an accurate description. I was hollow; I looked like me, but it seemed Bella had checked out and left the building.

"What do you want me to do, Alice?" I asked. "Tell me, 'cause I obviously don't know the protocol for what happens when your husband is unfaithful!"

"Shout, scream, punch, cry, _anything,_" she begged. "I just want to inject some life back into you."

I was silent for a while. "You know what I want to do?" I asked, eventually. "I want to dance. I want to drink and gossip and just for one night feel like my world hasn't been tipped upside down."

A triumphant smile crept across their faces. "Bella, I believe that's progress," Rose said proudly.

.

**EPOV**

.

What's that saying? You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. Without Bella, I had fucking _nothing._ It was so dark and lonely, days stretched on and on into one single period of obscurity.

I hadn't been outside the apartment since that day I went to see Bella. I wanted to do something, but all she wanted was space. I was heeding my sister's warning to stay away for now and relying on her to keep me updated. I needed to respect what Bella needed right now, something I should have realised months ago. Maybe then we wouldn't both be in so much pain.

I needed to show Bella how much I loved her, but everything seemed to fall short of the mark. You don't just mend a marriage with an 'I'm sorry' and a bunch of flowers. I spent hours looking at pictures and holding her rings in my hand as salty tears poured down my cheeks.

So, yes, I kept away, but I texted her every day saying how fucking sorry I was, that I made the worst mistake of my life, and always sending her my love.

Unsurprisingly, she never replied.

Music became my solace. I listened to the most heartbreaking songs that pulled on the gaping wound in my chest. I had to take a leave of absence from work; I was in no state to go in, and my father agreed with me, medically signing me off temporarily. Telling him the truth added to my shame.

Flashback

"_Were you really unfaithful, Edward?" Carlisle asked, his voice grave and incredulous._

_I nodded from where I sat on the couch, afraid to look at him or my mother. He didn't respond, and when I finally raised my eyes, I saw the deep disappointment written across his face. My mother sobbed quietly beside me. The guilt doubled, weighing down on me like an anvil._

"_Why, son?" my father asked, sitting down. "Why would you do that? I know how much you love her."_

"_I do," I cried. "I love her so much. Things haven't been very good between us recently. We've been drifting apart and arguing, and I got so angry when I saw the magazine article that day, along with the fact she had bailed on our weekend away, and I got drunk … It was a mistake."_

"_That's still no excuse, Edward. Nothing excuses cheating. Was your 'mistake' worth it?"_

"_No!" I shouted. "If I could go back in time, I would. Oh, God … I don't know what to do without her!"_

_My mother pulled me to her and rocked me like I was a child. I knew she was disappointed and upset herself, but I was so fucking grateful just to be held, even though I didn't deserve it._

"_I hope you don't have to find out," Esme said. "As disappointed as I am, I wish I could tell you it will all be okay, but there's no guarantee here, son. Bella is our daughter and we will stand by her as well."_

"_I'm so sorry," I cried over and over, my chest tightening with the possibility Bella wouldn't come back to me. "I'm so fucking sorry!"_

_Carlisle ended up giving me a sedative when I wouldn't calm down, and I fell into the welcomed darkness._

End flashback.

I decided, as I scrolled through our Honeymoon photos on my laptop, if I couldn't tell Bella how I felt in person, I would say it through music. I went through my extensive library and carefully chose songs that told her how much I loved her, that I was sorry, that I missed her more than she could ever know. I knew it wasn't even a start in making up for what I'd done, but I needed to convey my feelings somehow. I hoped she would listen to it and not just throw it in the bin.

I hated this fucking apartment without Bella in it, and I knew instinctively she would never want to be here again. I wanted rid of it, because of the fuck-up I'd made. It reminded me of _him, _and I felt sick.

Riley had texted and rang me, but I refused to answer. I didn't think I would ever be able to face him; I didn't want to be reminded.

I deserved to suffer, to be alone here in this cold, sterile apartment, lacking in the vivacity and light that Bella had added. Part of me realised I was seeing our relationship now through rose-tinted glasses; if I looked closer, I would have seen there were major cracks in our relationship and in ourselves before my infidelity. But for now, I just wanted to live in my happy memories, in a place where Bella's love warmed me like the spring sunshine. If I closed my eyes, I could see her deep, brown eyes alight with joy again, I could feel her warm, soft body in my arms. I could taste and smell her sweet skin, her heady scent entrancing me. I could hear the laughter that used to echo from these walls.

Maybe I was losing my mind.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

**BPOV**

Alice had spent hours making me look human again, flat-ironing my hair until it was poker straight and adding the colour missing from my sallow cheeks. The 20's style, silver-grey lace scallop top I was wearing managed to hide my weight loss, but I'd had to drop a size in my skinny jeans as they were too loose around the waist.

Angela, Alice, Rose and I were drinking wine in the apartment, the latter busy cursing my husband. "I haven't decided when to take my revenge yet," she muttered. "But that fucking asshole has it coming. I don't care if he is your brother, Alice; he'd better sleep with one eye open 'cause I'm gonna take a butcher's knife to his balls and have them for earrings."

I surprised myself by giggling along. Maybe the wine was already getting to me.

"It's enough to make you bat for the other team," Angela said, and I squirmed uncomfortably. They were unaware Edward had hit a home run for the _other team_.

"Too right; New York's dating scene is full of losers," Alice said, and I was glad they were just talking freely. I wanted to feel normal for once. "They seem to think having a black Amex card and a Rolex gives them carte blanche to treat you like shit."

"Ugh, I know!" Angela agreed. "One guy I dated recently hogged the conversation, laughed at his own jokes, which weren't at all funny, and kept calling me Amelia. I high-tailed it out of there as soon as it was polite."

We gossiped some more and even had a few laughs. It felt very alien. After a while, we headed into a club downtown; not a celebrity hot-spot, and thankfully, no one paid too much attention. If truth be told, I didn't look much like my old self anymore, certainly not enough to be recognised right now.

"Okay girls," Rose said when we were sitting around the booth, a pitcher of Margaritas and a shot each on the table. "This is my first night out since I can't remember when, and we're damn well going to have a good time and get seriously drunk!"

Alice and Angela hollered in response, and my lips twitched into a smile.

Rose met my eyes and gave me a warm smile, raising her shot. "To an awesome night with awesome girls!"

We mimicked her toast and threw back the shot. I didn't know what it was, but it burned like hell. I welcomed it and the warmth that spread through my chest.

Again, the girls didn't ask questions, they didn't probe me. I found myself getting lost in the conversation and even the laughter. These girls were my safety net, and right now, they were the only thing stopping me from plunging further down. Them and the copious amounts of liquor.

We danced and sang along to P!NK's 'U + Ur Hand', we dipped and ground against each other, putting on a show for groups of men that watched us with open mouths, making us giggle until our sides hurt.

Another round of drinks and I was pretty drunk. Okay, I was feeling kind of wasted. The alcohol was numbing my system, and it was such a fucking relief that, for just a second, I could forget. All the drinking made me need to pee, and as Angela had gone to answer a call, Rose to the bar, and Alice to the DJ booth, I slipped through the crowds to the bathroom.

On the way back, I almost stumbled in my heels and a guy with jet black hair and russet skin caught me. I guess he was good-looking, if muscly was your type. "Whoa," he said. "Careful."

"Thanks," I replied, my eyes scanning the area for any of the girls.

"Hey," the guy said as I turned away. "Do you want to dance?"

I was about to say no and show him my wedding band, purely a force of habit, until I felt the bare skin on my ring finger. I wasn't taken anymore. I could do whatever the hell I wanted. _Fuck _him_! _I thought as ire built up inside of me. _He cheated, not me. This is not my fucking fault._

"Sure," I said, and put my hand in his to be guided to the dance floor.

The alcohol was flowing through my system, the beat of the music thrumming in my ears. The dance began relatively clean, but soon the hands on my hips tightened and the erection against my backside grew. I knew I should stop, but I was fuelled by rage. He turned me around and wound my arms around his neck, his eyes burning with lust and leaning his mouth closer … closer … _No! This is wrong!_

Suddenly I felt tiny but powerful hands pull me back, and I sighed in relief at seeing Alice standing there. I didn't have time to speak before she was dragging me off the dance floor and out of the club.

I was slightly confused by the turn of events. _Maybe I drank more than I realised,_ I thought as the other girls appeared at my side and piled into the waiting car. "What the hell was that?" Alice asked when the door was shut.

"It was a fucking dance with a _guy_, Alice!" I hissed, slurring slightly but not caring anymore. "Why did you drag us out of there? It's not like I was going down on him, not like when I nodded, even though she couldn't see. I walked in on my husband going down on, and getting sucked by a _guy_!"

Her eyes widened, and they all gasped as I continued to spew out my pain.

"I just thought … I thought … I don't know!" I cried. "It just hurts so fucking badly, and I guess I knew _he_ would hate the idea … and … argh! I just wanted to hurt him like he has me! I want him to feel like his heart has been ripped out and fucking shredded! I want him to lose everything, just like I have!"

Alice went to speak, but I wouldn't be interrupted. "I can't take it!" I sobbed. "Why did he do it? Why wasn't I enough for him?! God, I hate him! I hate him so fucking much!"

The dam burst and all the anger and pain I had been suppressing poured out in a torrent, and I crumbled, curling into myself.

The girls all held me and whispered soothing words into my ear; that it would all be okay, everything would work out, and that I would survive. _How? _I wondered internally. _How are things ever going to be okay again?_

_._

~AMM~

.

Lying in bed that night, I punched my pillow 'til I sagged in exhaustion, hoarse cries of anger and hurt coming from deep inside me.

I cried for everyone hurt by this mess. I cried for Esme and Carlisle, the parents who were my own. I cried for Alice, torn between her brother and me, for Emmett and Rose who felt they had somehow failed me, and for Luka, who would miss his uncle. I cried for the father I had lost, who I needed to comfort me. I cried for the bronze-haired children I would never see running to me on fat little legs calling me 'Momma'. I cried for me, for my broken heart. I even cried for _him, _wondering if he was in as much pain as I was. Most of all, I cried for the 'us' we used to be, and would never be again.

When dawn came and the tears had dried, the pain began morphing into furious flames, licking against my heart. Fury was beginning to overtake me. How dare he do this to me? I was so tired of crying, of feeling numb and useless, a ghost of my former self.

I needed answers and, hell, I was going to get them.

After a long shower to flush all the toxins out of my body, or as many as possible, I dressed in denim shorts, a vest top that hung off my slight frame, and my highest, most kick-ass stiletto ankle boots. They made me feel powerful, and I needed that to mask the feelings of insecurity inflicted by _his_ infidelity.

I was slamming drawers, banging doors, putting entirely too much power into every movement. The feeling of betrayal was now leaving a bitter taste in my mouth, and I was sick of feeling like a victim. It was a new day, and I was determined to turn the page. I would be strong, confident, and take no bullshit from my _ex-_husband as I would now think of him.

There was a tiny voice in my head telling me I was full of shit to think I could just bury the hurt, but I quickly silenced it. I didn't know what tomorrow would bring, but today's Bella wouldn't doubt, or bow her head. She would hold her head up high, knowing she had done fuck-all wrong.

I grabbed my purse and slammed the door to Alice's spare room. She popped her head up from where she was sitting at the kitchen table, typing away on her laptop.

"How are you feeling, honey?" she asked, clearly surprised I was dressed to go out, without coercion or hand-holding.

"I'm good," I said fiercely, fetching a quick glass of water to quench my parched throat from all the drinking and crying last night.

"O-kay," she said slowly. "Are you going out? Want some company?"

What did she think I was going to do? Kill myself?

"No, thank you," I said. "I'm going to see that asshole of a brother of yours. I need answers, Alice."

She chewed on her lip, obviously debating my state of mind, but finally nodded. "I know this is something you need to do alone, but I'm only a phone call away."

I went over and hugged her, a twinge of guilt hitting me as I realised just how hard this must be for her. I kept telling her I would leave in the next few days, but she wouldn't hear of it. I think she was scared she would lose me because of her brother's actions. Maybe she had a point.

I took a cab to my old apartment, and I watched people through the window as we passed. Whenever I saw a couple holding hands, or with their arms around each other, or having a photograph taken on the busy Manhattan streets, I felt like laughing bitterly, wondering if those men were cheating on their wives or partners too. Maybe they were with their mistresses. _Bastards._

My heart thumped in my ears as I paid the driver and got out in front of my old building. It made me feel sick to be here, but I turned my nausea into fire, pulled my shoulders back, and stormed inside.

I got out of the elevator and marched determinedly toward the front door that mocked me.

_Home sweet home._

Taking a deep breath, I rapped my knuckles persistently against the door ... and waited.


	14. Chapter 14

**Sorry for the big delay, folks!**

* * *

**Chapter 14**

**EPOV**

I had thought over my reasons for my behaviour again and again, and I realised I had felt marginalised, pushed aside in our marriage. That didn't make what I did okay, but it made sense in some weird way. Right or wrong, I was hurt by Bella's behaviour. We can't help our emotions, and I couldn't escape the feeling I had been constantly brushed to the side, like my feelings weren't worth considering.

I will say again: nothing excused my behaviour, and I loathed myself with a passion, but I had to at least try to make sense of it. I owed it to Bella, to myself and to our marriage.

I stared into the newly-replaced bathroom mirror, the hollow man taunting me from the pane of glass. He was scruffy, with days old stubble and hair that hadn't been trimmed in weeks. His cheeks were sallow, and his eyes were dull and flat.

Bella always used to say my eyes were like sparkling emeralds; now they were a drab, muddy green. They reflected the pain of a man whose soul is lost, whose heart is broken, and who only has himself to blame.

Guilt didn't get easier to live with; if anything, it grew heavier. Every second without hearing back from Bella added to the weight on my chest, making it hard to breathe. Around my neck, I wore a chain with Bella's rings attached, to keep them safe, to cherish them, and to feel connected to her.

I ran a hand through my hair as I wandered around the empty living area; empty because she wasn't there. I decided I would write a letter for Alice to pass on. Maybe, just maybe, I could convince her to talk to me.

I sighed and began pouring my heart out.

_My dearest Bella,_

_I know I'm the last person you want to hear from after what I did. God, I hate myself. It was the most despicable moment of my life. You deserve answers, but I think it would be better to sit down and talk. I'll be here whenever you are ready; I'd wait a lifetime for you._

_I know words on paper probably don't mean anything to you, but I swear to God this is from my heart. I have not shown you the love for you that resides inside it; I have not been a good husband. I took what I had for granted. I destroyed your trust in me, the faith you placed so willingly into my keeping… I will do anything to earn it back. _

_Although it may not have seemed like it, you are my heart, my soul. Without you, everything is cold and dark, a black hole I can't seem to escape. I know; it's my own fault. I don't deserve you. I never have, but I can't lose you. I will fight 'til the death to prove to you I will never cause you an ounce more pain. Anything you want, I will do. You say 'jump', and I will ask how high. But please, baby girl, please believe that beyond the mistakes and the hideousness of my character, I love you more than my life and will work forever for your forgiveness._

_Yours eternally,_

_Edward_

_P.S I am keeping your rings close to my heart, until they can return to their rightful home._

A few tears had fallen, leaving blotted ink on the paper. I sealed it in an envelope, writing her name reverentially on the front, and sat back just as a knock sounded on the front door.

I was still expecting some kind of further attack from Emmett or Rose, but it could have been my mother checking up on me. Despite her shame in my behaviour, she was worried about my mental state. I didn't deserve to have people worrying about me.

I opened the door, stunned at who I saw standing there. She was so much thinner than I remembered, her hair was lack-lustre and skin ashen, but she was still heart-wrenchingly beautiful.

"Bella," I whispered, her name like a prayer on my lips. Was she really here? Why had she knocked? It upset me; this was her home too. _Until you ruined it for her, _my conscience said. "Oh God, Bella! I'm so sorry! Please-"

_Smack!_

Her hand hit my face with a resounding slap, stinging the hell out of my right cheek.

"I deserved that."

"Yes, you did." She pushed past me to stride purposefully into the living area. This wasn't a Bella I recognised; her brown eyes were like burning coals, her face set in determination.

"So, you're sorry, huh? Sorry you did it or sorry you got caught?" she sneered, turning on me.

"I regretted it the moment it was over," I said earnestly. "And I'm so sorry for how you found out."

She laughed bitterly. "I want answers, and you're going to give them to me."

"Of course. Do you want to sit down?"

"I'd rather stand, thank you. I don't want to touch anything in this place."

I bowed my head, but nodded as the tense silence dragged on.

"Do you love him?" she whispered.

"No! I only love you!" I went to reach for her.

"Don't touch me!" she spat.

I raised my hands in surrender and backed off cautiously.

"Was it the first time?"

"We kissed the night before, but that's all," I said, determined to be truthful. "That was the first time things had gone … further."

"Did you fuck him?" she asked with cold spite. "Or was it the other way around?"

I cringed. "No, Bella. We didn't go the whole way…"

Her face remained impassive as she took in my words, her eyes doubting. "Did he stay?"

"No!" I shouted. "I realised what I'd done the second it was over and kicked him out. Please, I need you to believe me. It will never, ever happen again."

She appraised me for a minute. "Are you gay?"

"No, Bella, I'm not."

"Is it me then?" she asked, her voice full of venom. "Am I not pretty enough? Not thin enough? Does he kiss better than me? Tell me the fucking truth!"

I hated myself even more for the fact she was doubting herself, questioning her own desirability.

"Bella, you are so sexy, and always will be the sexiest person to me," I said as she laughed once. "The only reason I was finding it, erm, _difficult, _before … with you … was guilt over the fact I was fancying someone else."

She turned away from me, a lone tear trickling down her cheek, and I wanted to catch it for her. She was silent for a long time. When she spoke, her voice was just a soft whisper. "You cheated on me … in my own home. My safe place."

I hung my head in shame.

"Why?" she asked quietly, and I could feel her anger mounting again. "I need to know _why_ you would take everything we are, everything we used to be and destroy it."

That irked me. I would take responsibility for cheating, but I was not going to take full responsibility for destroying our marriage; it was fragmenting before I cheated.

"First, I'll answer the question you're really asking, which is why I was unfaithful," I said as she frowned at my cryptic answer. "I was drunk, lonely, angry …" I ran a hand through my hair as the words spilled forth. "I saw the magazine spread you'd done and felt like I didn't matter … it felt nice to be wanted."

"_I_ wanted you!"

I couldn't help but laugh humourlessly. "You wanted me so much you chose a job over me every time. Yes, I admit, I was jealous, a stupid, jealous child who was throwing his toys out the pram, but the blame for destroying our marriage does not all lie with me, you know."

Her mouth hung open, and she jabbed her finger into my chest. "How dare you try and make me take the blame for _you _cheating!"

I shook my head. "I am not trying to do that, Bella. I take full responsibility for that. I'm just being honest with you."

"You should be begging me to take you back!" she spat.

"I am, baby, I am!" I pleaded, trying to get her to see my sincerity. "I will do _anything_ you want to prove my love for you and to prove how sorry I am. But we never communicated before and now I'm trying, only to have it thrown back in my face."

"Because you're blaming my job!" she yelled. "Do you know I _hated _it? I hated it because I missed you so much! I hated the lifestyle, the parties, living in hotel rooms. I ended up loathing the shoots and the poses they made me do! I didn't want anyone else to see me like that!"

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked, shocked. I thought she loved the glamorous life style. I would have worked to get her out of the contract; I would have helped her if she had just told me.

"Because you never asked!"

"Communication's a fucking two way street, Bella. I'm not a mind-reader for Christ's sake! I was so fucking lonely without you; I felt like the only one in our marriage at times!"

"Looks like we have something in common after all!" she yelled. "Six years, Edward! Six fucking _years_ together and you throw it away for some cheap thrill! Was I worth so little to you?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Let's just calm down," I said. "We're getting nowhere shouting."

"I've got everything I need to know, Edward. Your excuses are fucking pathetic! _You're _pathetic! I hate you!" She launched herself at me, her eyes wild as she punched her fists into my chest. I caught her hands as she tried to swing them so she didn't hurt herself.

"I'm sorry, Bella," I whispered. "Please, I'm sorry."

"I hate you! I fucking hate you!" she screamed, her words like knives in my dead heart, and she kept thrashing until the fight went out of her, and I caught her. She still smelled so floral and perfect … so _Bella_. I missed her so fucking much even though she was right here in front of me.

"Why wasn't I enough for you, Edward?"

"You are, baby; you're all I need," I whispered. "I'm so sorry. I love you so much."

She sniffled and righted herself, pulling herself from my grip. "So you say. But I don't know if that's enough." She looked at me deep in the eyes and shook her head, as if seeing me for the very first time. "I thought I knew you." Her voice was cold, dead. "Your behaviour disgusts me. You disgust me."

The hatred in her voice shook my core. With tears streaming down my cheeks, I reached for the letter on the coffee table and handed it to her. "Please, just take this," I choked out. "Take it and read it, _please._"

The look of revulsion on her face didn't disappear as she snatched the envelope from my hand. With that, she turned on her heel and stormed her way out of the apartment, slamming the door behind her as her words echoed in my ears.

"_Your behaviour disgusts me. You disgust me."_

I sank to my knees, crying as I prayed to God for one more chance.


	15. Chapter 15

**All I can say is sorry. RL has done more than kick my ass recently :(**

* * *

**Chapter 15**

**BPOV**

As soon as I slammed the front door, I rested my head back against it, taking deep breaths. I was determined not to break down. I didn't know what to believe, I mean, of course he would say it was the first time. How could I know for sure?

I hated the fact I couldn't trust him, that he had possibly destroyed my ability to trust in any man ever again. When the person you had felt you could rely on with your life betrays you, where do you turn? Was I now destined to remain alone, bitter and cynical because the man I loved had forsaken and deceived me?

His answers and excuses were pitiful and they fed the storm of rage that was swirling in my gut. He had no fucking right to treat me that way. I may not have been perfect, but I didn't deserve to be cheated on. The bastard deserved everything that would come his way.

I roughly shoved his letter in my bag, kind of wishing I'd told him to stick it up his ass, and was about to slip my key under the door, when a better idea came to me. A _much _better idea. Bitch Bella had appeared on my shoulder, and she fucking _ruled._

I took the elevator down to the parking lot beneath the building, checking it was clear. Fortunately the Volvo, covered in a layer of grime from not moving for weeks, was positioned away from CCTV. Not that I cared.

I took the key of my old apartment and with a twisted smile on my face, took immense pleasure in indenting the bodywork, scratching deep all the way along the side of the car. I was like a kid in a candy store once I'd started; I slashed and gouged with all the anger I possessed, carving the words 'CHEATING ASSHOLE' on his precious baby.

If I'd had a baseball bat, I would have smashed the windows, but I made do by taking my kick-ass heels to the bonnet and the lights, then sweetly slipping my key under the wipers.

I was panting and sweating by the time I'd finished, my heart thundering with adrenaline, and it felt so fucking good to take my anger out.

I knew now I could give in and go back to Alice's apartment, crawl into bed and hide, or I could listen to Bitch Bella. For once, the decision was easy. The spirited little devil on my shoulder had a list of errands a mile long, as if she were reading from a 'what-to-do-when-you-catch-your-husband-cheating-on-you-in-your-own-home' manual. Maybe, after all this mayhem was over, I'd sit down and write one.

.

~AMM~

.

My husband and I had three accounts; a joint one from our earnings, my personal one with the money I'd received after my father's passing, and one with some money he'd moved from his trust fund for 'emergencies'.

Naturally, I took out the black card for the latter and headed straight for Fifth Avenue, to Saks where I bought the most beautiful, most expensive Hermès Berkin tote I could find, and gave away the Chloe bag I had received for a birthday present from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named to someone passing on the street. It meant nothing to me anymore.

From Tiffany & Co I got a new pendant to replace the one _he _bought me, this one a diamond swan to emphasise my maiden name that I would soon reclaim in law. I got a black and white diamond-encrusted skull ring that screamed 'don't fuck with me', and would come in handy if I needed to punch someone, namely by soon to be ex-husband. I even got the top of my ear pierced with a hoop like I'd always wanted, but had been too scared to have done. I wasn't scared anymore; I was a fucking tornado, and anything in my path would be destroyed.

I changed the number on my cell, so he couldn't bother me with texts or calls. I would change my email address as soon as I got back to Alice's as well as my screen saver and desktop background with photos of us as a happy couple.

I called Carlisle to arrange to meet with the lawyers dealing with my breach of contract, and made enquiries about divorce proceedings. I wasn't a doormat; I could talk for myself, and I would fight my own battles. The rational side of me said I being rash in my actions, that I should think about this more, but she soon shut up when Bitch Bella threatened her.

I made a discreet call to my usual Manhattan salon, admittedly using some of the sway I still possessed to get an immediate appointment. Well, that and the fact my attitude was probably quite terrifying. If they were shocked by my reappearance into the world, they didn't show it.

Drinking expensive champagne, I was pampered and preened. My long brown hair that _he _had always loved lost three inches, had layers and sweeping side bangs added, and some very subtle highlights and lowlights gave it an extra boost. My nails were painted scarlet with black jewels embellishing them, ready to scratch and claw if need be.

I was on a roll. Getting ready for my last stop of the day, I climbed into a cab feeling like I was flying from the adrenaline rush. When the cab came to a stop outside the skyscraper, I wiped my increasingly sweaty palms on my shorts, and marched through the heavy doors and across to the reception desk, plastering a fake smile on my face.

"Mrs. Cullen," Gianna said, frowning. "How can I help you? I do hope Mr Cullen is okay; we're all very worried about his leave of absence."

I nodded, feigning sympathy. "Yes, I know. My poor husband has been working so hard," I said sweetly, though the words were like poison on my tongue. "I'm just here to get some bits he requires from his office. Is it okay if I go up?"

She hesitated for a split second before smiling back at me. "Of course. Please pass on our regards to Mr Cullen."

"Thank you, Gianna," I said, and headed off up to the elevator. Fortunately there was no one else in there, so I took some deep breaths and composed myself. My heart was thumping in my ears as the numbers above the elevator doors rose higher.

…63…64…65.

When it pinged and the doors opened, I headed straight for his office, the key of which I fortunately still had on my fob.

I hadn't been to his office many times, but everything looked the same. Our wedding photo was still sitting in pride of place, and I wasn't sure whether that pleased me or not. On one hand, if he had put it face down, it would show signs of premeditation in his adultery. On the other hand, it felt disrespectful that he would keep this here in the place he had obviously been flirting with someone else.

Part of me was kind of expecting a desk swept clean in a moment of passion. After all, they did kiss, and I assumed from his confession earlier that it had been when he was working late. While I was sitting waiting for my husband to come home to the romantic meal I had prepared and a night of hot sexing. I shuddered.

I walked around his desk, noticing the magazine, _the _magazine lying open, a provocative picture of myself from the FHM Lake Como shoot. So, he'd seen it. I felt a twinge of something, possibly guilt, in my stomach, but I soon buried it. It's not like I'd cheated. Guys may have seen me half naked in photos, but my husband had had his cock in someone else's mouth. I think he wins the prize for the more despicable behaviour.

I tossed the magazine in the bin just as a quiet knock sounded on the door. "Edward?" came a voice I recognised from my nightmares. I turned around and saw the low-life that had stolen my husband, and just the man I was looking for.

Riley.

I'd hated him from the moment I met him, intuitively knowing what a manipulative bastard he was, with a hard-on for my husband, I might add. But I'd at least tried to be civil. All bets were off now.

His face turned from false unsure anticipation into a cocky smirk. "Well, if it isn't the infamous Miss Swan," he said, coming inside and shutting the door. "I'm happy to see you. Tell me, how is your husband? We're all so worried."

"Cut the bullshit," I said. "You don't give a fuck. You are nothing but a home-wrecking man-whore who just wants to get his dick wet, and you don't care who you hurt in the process!"

Still the cockiness didn't disappear; his smirk grew and he shrugged unrepentantly. "I can't help it if you can't keep your man satisfied. It's a shame you didn't stick around that night; I could have taught you a thing or two. That man of yours is _quite_ the performer."

I felt sick, but my fury was still burning and I was sure the embers were sparking from my eyes. "You saw me," I said slowly. "You _knew_ I was there and you carried on."

He laughed. "Yes, sweetheart, I knew you were there. It only added to the thrill, believe me."

_Any second now I'm going to puke_, I thought, but he continued, walking to pick the magazine out of the bin.

"Have you seen this?" he asked. "I think it was this magazine spread that was the last straw. He was so upset over the men that would be seeing you like this." He sighed dramatically as he circled me, like a predator with its prey. "And you leaving him behind again... especially on his birthday... it really was easy to get him where I wanted him."

I whirled on him, jabbing my finger in his chest.

"What kind of a man goes after someone else's husband? Are you so useless you can't find someone available? Instead you have to manipulate to get into someone's pants!"

"Oh, honey, it really wasn't that difficult," Riley said, coming forward to whisper in my ear. "What can I say? I like the challenge. Your husband happened to be gorgeous, and he was so upset by your behaviour… I mean, where the hell were you? You were always gone…" He winked.

"You sicken me," I said. "You played on every doubt my husband had!"

He chuckled. "Well, maybe I fed them a _little,_ but he was an easy target. Now it will be even easier."

Molten lava was rolling in my belly, ready to spew out. "Riley?" I whispered.

"Bella?"

"Go fuck yourself," I hissed, and kneed him in the balls with all the strength I possessed. He buckled over in pain, gasping for breath as he held his groin.

"And stay the fuck away from my husband!" I yelled. I didn't know why I was defending _Edward _but to know he had fallen for the mind games of this asshole made it impossible to not want to stake my claim, even if I didn't want him anymore.

I turned on my fuck-you-fuck-me heels, and left the bastard writing in pain on the floor.


	16. Chapter 16

**To say sorry, tonight I am posting 2 chapters plus a Riley POV outtake :)**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

Chapter 16

**EPOV**

I hadn't heard from Bella since she had stormed out last week, unless you can count a message scratched into the paintwork of my Volvo. When security called me to show me the damage, I was aghast. They told me they had seen on CCTV footage, images of Bella entering the garage. I didn't care about the damage to the car, but I had never known Bella to do something like that, to be so angry she would lose her cool so dramatically. I told them to write it off as a personal matter, in case the words 'CHEATING ASSHOLE' hadn't tipped them off. Yeah, that was humiliating, but entirely deserved. I didn't blame her; I wasn't angry, but I worried for her.

I had to play this on her terms, and giving her space seemed like the best idea for now. Alice didn't give me much news. We may be twins, but I had hurt her greatly by betraying Bella. I had to accept the very real possibility that if I lost Bella, I would lose Alice. Maybe not lose her entirely, but our relationship may never be the same ever again. My parents remained detached, and although Esme made sure I ate, I would often find her staring into space in her melancholy.

The worst news was when my father told me Bella had asked him about divorce proceedings. The dirt floor of rock bottom gave way again, and I found myself covered in debris from the fall. The light above me seemed an awful long way up.

Carlisle let me cry like a scared little boy, but his disappointment was palpable, in me and in himself. My actions weren't those of the man he had raised me to be, and who he had led by example. He felt he had let me down, let the family down, but I told him the blame rested firmly on my shoulders and no one else's.

I was going to confront Riley, make it very clear that I wanted nothing to do with him. He still refused to give up with the texts and the phone calls, so that seemed the logical next step, though I loathed the thought of seeing him. Bella deserved to know I had cut all ties with him; thankfully, his internship would be up in a couple of weeks, so we wouldn't have to work together.

I spent hours thinking long and hard about the damage my thoughtless actions had inflicted on Bella, and I couldn't believe I had become _that _man. How could I have caused her so much distress? The intensity and sheer depths of loathing that comes when you are the reason for your own heartache, and that of the one you love, is utterly debilitating. Some days I could barely function, and my father wanted to put me on anti-depressants. I refused, saying I deserved to feel this way, which exasperated him no end.

I cursed my childish, reckless actions. Sometimes I almost drowned in my self-hatred, my wallowing, but by thinking of other people for once and not giving into my own selfishness, I managed to hold on to the edge of sanity by my fingertips. It wasn't for me; if I was the only one to think about I would let the misery take me, but for Bella, I would fight it. That became my mantra: _for Bella._

I knew this morning as the loud knocking rang through the apartment that my run of good luck in avoiding Emmett had come to an end. God had really decided to hand me my ass because as I opened the door, just behind him, tapping a high-heeled boot and flicking her blond hair impatiently, was Rosalie.

"Request for your last meal?" Emmett said, his eyes dark with a hunger for revenge. "You've been on death row long enough."

He grabbed me by the collar and threw me against the wall.

"Emmett, you have every right to beat me to a pulp," I said, "but let me say I will grovel on my hands and knees to show your sister how much I love her and how sorry I am. I made a stupid, stupid mistake and-"

_Oof!_

His punch to my gut made me cripple over, all the breath knocked out of me, and a kick to my junk made tears sting my eyes as I cupped myself. "A mistake? A fucking mistake? Is that all you can say? You are a piece of shit!" Emmett yelled as I groaned in pain. "I thought you were a good guy; I thought you loved her! I thought I could fucking trust you with her!"

Through blurry eyes I could see his face was murderous, and all I could think was: he's really going to kill me. And I fucking deserve it.

"You've loved her forever...how could you do this to her? She trusted you, she was faithful to you; she would never have broken her vows!" His face was twisted in repulsion. "You aren't the man I thought you were, Edward. We've been like brothers… but my sister, my baby sister… I can't believe what you have done to her." I could hear his own pain in his voice as his face fell. "When we left her the other day, she was broken. Her spirit was gone; you took that away. She's not herself and I don't know if she's ever going to recover from this. Was a cheap fuck worth it?"

The physical pain I had been feeling faded into obscurity compared with his words, cutting me like the sharpest blades. Through the haze of agony, I recognised Rosalie's voice, her tone vicious, I was afraid this was just the beginning of my punishment, but I would take the physical beating any day. "Want me to get a knife, Emmett?"

"No, babe, it would be too kind," Emmett said, his voice full of revulsion. "He's made his bed now he has to lie in it. He has to live with this for the rest of his life, knowing what a low-life he is, knowing how he destroyed the person he claimed to love."

"Not even one ball?"

I winced.

"As tempting as that sounds, I need my wife and our son needs his mother at home, not serving time for Grievous Bodily Harm."

"Fine," Rose spat. "Get up, asshole."

I got to my knees, grabbing my side from the slowly dulling pain and slow stood up. Damn, he could throw a punch and swing a kick.

"You're fucking lucky," she hissed in my face, her blue eyes ice cold. "If he wasn't here to stop me, I'd kill you, and I'd do it painfully and slowly. You do not mess with my family."

Emmett grabbed her hand, pride written across his face. "Come on, babe. Let's get back to people actually worth our time." His face was cold as he appraised me. "One day, she's going to get through this," he said. "One day she'll be married to someone who will cherish her. She'll have a baby in her arms and a good man by her side. And what will you have, Edward?"

They strode off to the open front door, and I rested my head back against the wall, the image he painted torturing me. The thought of Bella carrying someone else's child was gut-wrenching. If I had just manned up and stopped being such a selfish bastard, it could have been us.

"Who the fuck are you?!" Emmett yelled, and I opened my eyes to see Riley standing in the doorway. _Fuck my life._

I wasn't sure if Bella had told them I had cheated on her with a man, but as Emmett's eyes flew from Riley to me, and he read the evident guilt on my face, I saw understanding dawn on him.

"You fucking asshole!" Emmett yelled at me. "Did you invite this bastard over? Cheating on my sister once wasn't enough, huh? Need another thrill?" He was seething. "Rose, get the knives."

"Emmett, you've got it wrong," I insisted, raising my hands in surrender. "I have no idea what he's doing here. I haven't even spoken to him…"

"Bad time?" Riley asked, and I glared daggers.

"We were just leaving," Rose said haughtily. "We won't lower ourselves any further with your company. Edward, we'll be sure to tell Bella about your _visitor_."

"Rose, please," I begged. "I didn't ask him here, I don't want him here-"

"Goodbye, Edward." She and Emmett walked out and slammed the door behind them as I tore at my hair.

An awkward silence descended upon us. "What do you want, Riley?" I finally asked, his name burning my tongue like acid.

"You've been ignoring me," he said, shrugging. "We need to talk about what happened, baby."

"Don't call me that!" I spat. "What happened between us was a mistake, a huge fucking mistake, and I'm paying for it with my marriage!"

He raised an eyebrow. "She left you?"

"She was _here. _She saw us!" God, the thought made me want to puke.

"Okay, so she knows now," he said, like it was of no consequence. "She left you! She didn't even stop to fight for you, how much can she really love you?"

"She is hurting!" I shouted, my eyes stinging.

"Are you sure about that?" he asked. "Seems a little unlikely for the Ice Queen to suddenly grow a heart."

I was livid, finally doing what I should have done a long time ago: defend my wife. "You do not _ever_ talk about her that way!"

He chuckled, coming closer to me, his eyes roving over my body. "You're so hot all fired up. I really want you, you know."

I stood firm, pointing my finger at him. "That will never happen ever, _ever _again."

He rolled his eyes disbelievingly. "Look, if this is all about your precious Bella, I don't mind sharing," he said. "She's got a smokin' body; maybe we could convince her to join us?"

I lost control then and reared my fist back, smashing it into his jaw with all the fury bubbling inside of me. "Shut the fuck up!"

Blood dripped down his chin, which he wiped on the back of his sleeve, but still he laughed. "Come on, Edward; do you really believe she wasn't out there fucking other guys while she was away?"

"Yes, I do fucking believe that! She wouldn't do that to me." I shook my head, incredulous at my own stupidity. "God, you're such a manipulative bastard. How did I not see it before?"

He smirked. "Now now, Mr. Cullen, be careful what you say. You wouldn't want a lawsuit for sexual harassment _and _assault now, would you?"

My face paled, but he continued. "I'm sure coming onto a 21-year-old intern would cost you- I'd get a sizeable settlement, you'd lose your job, your reputation … and your wife, of course." He came forward and stroked my cheek, making me shiver with disgust. "And think what it would do to her," he whispered. "She'd be a public laughing stock, especially if I were to sell my story … 'Supermodel's husband in gay affair'... Think what that will do to poor Bella."

My breathing was heavy as I took in his words, considering just how badly a sexual harassment suit and a tabloid exposé would affect Bella. I needed to protect her. "What do you want, Riley?" I said through gritted teeth.

He smirked. "You. I want you again, but all the way this time. What do you say?"


	17. Riley POV outtake

Riley POV outtake

I grew up in a run-down neighbourhood in New Jersey, an only child with both parents. Mom got pregnant with me in her senior year of high school, Dad was a college drop-out. I don't know if they ever really loved each other, but they got married nonetheless.

Things were happy enough as a kid, but that all changed when I was seven. Dad lost his job and either couldn't, or wouldn't, find another one. That was when his 'friends' started coming around. Cheap looking women with sickly sweet perfume, in too-tight tops, too-short skirts. He would tell me it was our secret, and that I couldn't tell my momma. His friends never lasted long, they visited the house a few times, and Dad would tell me to go play in my room. Once I didn't listen, and walked into my parents' bedroom, where Dad and his tramp of the week were fucking, something I didn't understand at the time.

Mom and Dad would yell and scream at each other every night, and I'd put my hands over my ears. Sometimes Dad would come home from a bar reeking of perfume, alcohol, and with a black eye and bloodied face.

The good thing about those times was how much my parents doted upon me. They'd buy me new toys and candy, and take me, separately, for meals at McDonalds.

Then one day, Dad never came home. Mom told me to forget I'd ever had a father. A week later, the men began traipsing through the house. Some younger, some older, but all would stay the night and Mom would kiss them goodbye in the morning dressed in a disgustingly slutty robe.

My childhood taught me several lessons. Firstly, that there was no sanctity in marriage. It was something created by holier-than-thou pretentious assholes to deny people their freedom and their fun. Second, I learnt that the only person I could rely on was myself.

As a teen, I hit puberty early. I'd got my looks from my mom and my personality from my dad- people used to say that with my impish grin and my suave, charming persona, I could get anyone to do anything. They said I could twist things until someone didn't know which was up.

I learnt I fancied girls and guys alike, and I could get pretty much anyone I wanted to, even guys who professed their heterosexuality. I loved the chase, the challenge, and the release at the end. It made sense. I didn't feel anything on an emotional level; it was purely physical. That's how I knew I'd make a damn good lawyer.

By the time I was 16, I was fucking my mom's single friend. My mom was a whore the same as my dad had been a cheat, and I didn't care if it bothered her. The chase of guys or girls my own age was getting old, so a Cougar was on the cards.

In college I fucked a few older professors, but even that was starting to get dull. So came the next challenge; someone unavailable. I began sleeping with a friend's mom behind her husband's back, fucking her hard as she told me how big I was, how good I was in bed, how she loved me. Ha, what a joke.

Then the year of my internship, I met him. Mr Cullen. He was so fucking gorgeous that I was prepared to break my availability rule. Then I saw his wedding ring and realised I'd hit the motherfucking jackpot. He was married to the model, Bella Swan, and I had to give him props for that, but I knew he wasn't happy. I also knew that getting him to fall for me would the simplest thing in the world. I got into his confidence. I became his friend. I stored away all the nuggets of information about his wife that I could use to my advantage, and began to wheedle them into my conversation. I played on his doubts, on his fears, and on his desires.

After we kissed I made sure I acted properly abashed. His wife was making my game so much easier with the way she treated him. I knew that I was finally gonna get mine when he agreed to a night in at his place. As I said before, I could get anyone to do anything, so getting him to come onto me would be a walk in the park.

I was pleased with the way he was knocking back the alcohol; he really was making this too easy.

"I can't stop thinking about you," he said. "It's not easy to fight it, you know."

"Then don't," I whispered, my tone honeyed but laced with seduction and promise. "I meant it, Edward; I won't come onto you if you don't want it. But why fight your desires anymore? I know you feel this."

He wasn't quite convinced. "But…"

I knew what his argument would be, and I played the ace up my sleeve. "She's not here, is she, Edward? How much can she really care?"

It did the trick; the next thing I knew he was kissing me, and I was running my hands over his body, sensing victory. I could tell just by feeling through his slacks that he was well-endowed, and as we shed our shirts I realised I couldn't have chosen better.

Looking around the bedroom we ended up in was slightly disappointing; it clearly wasn't the master bedroom, and I really wanted to give that a try, but I was painfully hard now and I needed some relief.

Pushing Edward to his knees was such a fucking power trip; I could tell I would come hard tonight.

And then it all got so much better.

Because, out the corner of my eye, I saw her: his precious Bella. I felt like I'd won the fucking lottery, the thrill was so great. I didn't alert either her or Edward to my discovery, but decided to make it an extra special show for her.

"That's it," I said to Edward, my cock in his mouth, "fucking suck it."

The pleasure was I experiencing was like no other, so I kicked it up another notch by telling him I wanted to suck him too, and calling him 'baby'. Seeing Bella cover her mouth in apparent pain made it all the better. When she slunk off, I was relieved Edward hadn't heard a thing, and soon the combination of the sensations and power and triumph had me spilling my release down his throat. I'd never come so hard in my life.

Edward may have regretted it as soon as it was over, but I didn't care. His tears didn't move me; if anything, they spurred me on. I wasn't done with this game yet.

Not by a long shot.


	18. Chapter 17

Chapter 18

**EPOV**

I stood there, frozen, as Riley's words reverberated around my head.

_"You. I want you again, but all the way this time. What do you say?"_

I felt sick to the stomach as I realised he was fucking blackmailing me. And he didn't want money. I had been so preoccupied worrying about and missing Bella that I didn't think about the _other _implications of my despicable exploit. I guess I had been so sure of the fact Riley was a friend, someone I trusted … it opened my eyes even more to the betrayal Bella must have felt when her very own husband had broken her trust. I was finally getting a clearer picture of the magnitude of what I had done.

As Riley waited for my answer, a cocky smirk on his face, I wondered what I ever saw in him, and how I _didn't _see the way he was manipulating me. Not that that would ever excuse such appalling behaviour on my part.

If it was just about me, the decision would have been instant; he made my skin crawl and I would have kicked him in the balls; he could sue me for all I was worth. But I needed to take a second and think about Bella. From now on, it was always about Bella. Could she handle the shame poured upon her by a tabloid scandal? It would hurt her, but not as badly as what I had done. She didn't deserve that, she didn't deserve any of this, but I knew the pain and humiliation of such an exposé would be nothing compared to the hurt and betrayal she would feel if I were to be unfaithful again and give in to Riley's blackmail.

Cheating again, even if it were to save her from the public humiliation, would be the final nail in the coffin. If we were ever going to make our marriage work, and by God I wanted it to work, I had to earn her trust back.

"Well?" Riley prompted.

"Go to hell," I spat. "I may be stupid, but not stupid enough to make the same mistake twice. That's what it was Riley, a _mistake_. Even if Bella never forgives me, I would never be with you again. Underneath the pretty boy looks, you are an ugly soul."

He clutched his heart dramatically. "You wound me, Edward. I'll give you some time to think carefully about what I said. You know what I want, and I will get it. You have too much pride to let this story come out."

"Get out," I said through gritted teeth.

He grinned and sauntered across to the front door.

"Oh, Edward?"

"What?" I yelled.

"If you do see Bella, tell her how much I enjoyed our little conversation last week." He winked. "I'll see you, Mr. Cullen."

He clicked the door shut. What did he mean by that? Bella had spoken to him? Oh God, what had he said? I dreaded to think what lies he could have told her. Suddenly I was overcome with a rage so fierce I couldn't contain it. Fury aimed at Riley, at the world, and even some of the anger at Bella that had been residing there for months bubbled inside, but that was nothing compared to the anger I felt at myself.

I picked up ornaments and picture frames, throwing them across the room, listening to them smash and shatter. I chucked anything I could lay my hands on, breaking and tearing and kicking and punching until I sagged to my knees, weeping, exhausted and spent.

.

BPOV

.

Since my Bitch Bella kick-ass day, I had tried to keep the anger flowing as a way to keep pressing forward. I kept up a relatively strong façade in the day, keeping a lid on my pain until night fell and I could let it out.

I hadn't spoken to Edward; he didn't have my new number, my new email address, and Alice stood firm and refused to give them to him. I was determined not to put her in the middle any longer; it would be time to move on shortly.

He seemed to be respecting my wishes, and I was thankful for that. I couldn't think if he came near me, it caused all types of confusion. Even being here, with my life still meshed with his, was screwing with my head.

I hadn't read the letter he had given me; it sat underneath my clothes in the bottom drawer of the dresser, calling to me like a siren song. But I wasn't ready to read what he had to say. I did, however, listen to the CD's he passed on to Alice. I uploaded them to my iPhone and cried my eyes out every night, sobbing into the pillow to muffle my cries.

Carlisle was pleased my weight was stable, with a couple of extra pounds due to Esme's constant desire to feed me. Needless to say, Emmett liked to visit at meal times so he could get some 'Mama C' cooking as he called it. See, they weren't just my family, they were my brother's too. In the absence of our own parents, Carlisle and Esme had become surrogates to us, and I didn't know how we would cope without them.

Despite my weight gain, Carlisle had put me on a low dose of Xanax to begin with, as whenever my thoughts strayed too far, I began to experience panic attacks; sweaty palms, racing heart, short breaths, the whole shebang.

I had also met with the divorce lawyers. Carlisle had tried to get me to think about it, _really_ think about it before I even met with them to discuss what would be involved. I told him I already had, which was a lie. I didn't want to look too closely; I didn't want to examine the fissure in my heart. I wanted to keep the pain at bay, cover the hole in my chest with a Band-Aid, brushing everything under the carpet so no one could see the mess, not even myself. I kept telling myself the pain would lessen if I just severed my ties with Edward, although I wasn't ready to give up his family just yet.

I wouldn't have to talk to Edward if I didn't want to; Carlisle could liaise for us. I was pleasantly surprised to find I felt I could still trust my father-in-law. My trust in men romantically may have been smashed to pieces, but at least the foundations of trust in general still stood, even if they were a bit shaky.

Divorce seemed so simple. We had no children for whom to fight for custody. He could keep the apartment. My inheritance was in my own account. The only thing left to separate was our joint account. It astounded me that dissolving a marriage could take so little. The fact something that takes so much to create was treated so clinically added to my cynicism, my view that the world was a cruel and bleak place.

Today I found myself in an appointment at the Manhattan law firm dealing with my breach of contract. Mr. Davies, the attorney heading up the team, sat across the stylish glass desk from me, the papers in hand.

I was glad I was prepared for this mentally. Unlike with the divorce, I had actually given thought to my modelling future. I took Edward out of the equation, and asked myself if that was what I wanted to do. The shoots, the travelling, the launches, the parties. Was that the life I wanted for myself now?

The answer was surprisingly easy: I didn't want that. I won't lie and say the idea of going back to modelling just as a big 'fuck you' to my husband wasn't tempting. It was. Part of me wanted to strip and writhe on the cover of Playboy just to piss him off. _If _that would even piss him off; I wasn't so sure.

Petty revenges aside, by some cosmic fuckery, I had been presented with the chance to wipe the slate clean and rebuild my life, and I would grab it with both hands. I had the chance to turn the debris of my life to gold, and I would be a fool to ignore it.

"Let's begin with the obvious: it's a $15 million dollar contract," Mr. Davies said. "Volturi could, and usually would, sue you for all of that, with compensation on top. I had been expecting to present them with an out of court settlement, accepting the likelihood they would take it all the way and be prepared to fight dirty. Aro is not a man who likes to be crossed."

I nodded; I had been prepared for this. Frankly, I didn't care about the money, but could really do without the drama and hassle and media attention. His use of tenses made me pause.

"However, this morning I was contacted by the Volturi attorneys," Mr. Davies continued. "They will agree to a $5 million dollar settlement, on one condition."

"And what's that?"

"That you don't go to the press and tell them how things work at Volturi." He raised an eyebrow, grinning. "It seems you put the fear of God into him with what you could reveal, and that's no mean feat."

"I think that's very acceptable," I said, feeling another steel cable that was tying me down be wrenched free. Soon I would fly.

.

~AMM~

.

That afternoon, I curled up in the plush recliner in Alice's living area, a battered copy of Jane Eyre in my lap. I hadn't turned the page in ten minutes; no matter how hard I tried to take in the words, they refused to sink in, as if my mind had reached its limit. This morning's meeting had given me pause for thought; I needed to really start evaluating what I wanted.

The door of the apartment opened, and a tiny part of me hoped, but a bigger part of me dreaded, the possibility Edward had come looking for me.

A flick of blond hair told me my sister-in-law had come to check up on me. Alice had given her a key 'for emergencies'; in other words, in case I lost it and swallowed my entire bottle of Xanax while Alice was out.

"Hey, sweetie," she greeted. "How are you?"

"Fine, Rose, thanks for asking," I said flatly, not looking up from my page.

The tapping of her sandals across the wooden floors came closer, and she pulled the book from my hand.

"Emmett's downstairs," she said, and immediately I knew what she was getting at; Luka was here as well. "What do you say we all go get some ice cream?"

I had been a coward in avoiding my adorable little nephew, but I couldn't face the question I knew he would pose.

"I don't know, Rose," I said.

She huffed and crossed her arms as she towered over me. "Bella, it's a beautiful day in New York, and you are stuck moping inside these four walls with a book I'm pretty sure you're not even reading. I have a three-year-old son who constantly asks for you, now get up off your ass and come with us!"

She was right. I was acting like a child. I pushed the book to one side and stood up, stretching from the ball into which I had curled. "I'm sorry, Rose," I said earnestly, slipping on my sandals. "Let's go."

I grabbed my tote from this morning and, arms linked, we headed down to the city street below, where Emmett and Luka waited on the stoop.

"Auntie Bewwa!" he exclaimed, leaping for me, and I held out my arms to catch him. He wound his little arms around my neck and whispered, "Daddy says you're sad."

"Not anymore, buddy," I said, feigning enthusiasm. "You always cheer me up!"

"Yay!" he squealed. And then came the question I had been dreading. "Where's Unca E?"

I swallowed the thick lump in my throat, a tear escaping me.

"Luka-" Emmett started, but I cut him off.

"It's okay, Em," I said, turning back to my nephew and preparing my lie. "Unca E had to go away for a while."

He frowned and burrowed his face into my neck. "Don't be sad, Auntie Bewwa," he whispered. "He be back, and you be smiley again."

More silent tears began streaming down my cheeks. I didn't know if I would ever be 'smiley' again.

We were walking down the busy sidewalk when something caught my eye. On the newsstand, across the front of almost every magazine was my own picture staring back at me. But not a picture from a shoot; this was me looking haggard and stick thin as I entered my old building the previous week. I pressed my sunglasses further up my nose and went to read one of the headlines.

_Bella Swan: Split from husband, split from agency … split from reality?_

Would my humiliation never end?


	19. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

**EPOV**

I paced up and down the apartment, rubbing my fingers against my temples. I couldn't believe it had come to this. When had things started spiralling so catastrophically out of control? A year ago I was a happily married man, a top lawyer with a model for a wife and a rosy future rolling out before us like an open road under the dazzling summer sun and sapphire skies. Now I was separated, unable to carry on in my job or even leave the apartment, with a future like a black hole waiting to suck me in and steal all the light from my life.

After my destruction of the place following Riley's visit a few days ago, Esme had found me surrounded by shards of broken china and glass as I cried, a mess of tears and snot and blood as I fingered the rings on the chain around my neck like a talisman.

It was a relief to let out some of the ire that had been simmering inside me for so long. Esme said it was progress, that I was grieving for my relationship, and anger was just another phase I had to go through.

She had looked after me like I was a child again, tending my nicked and cut hands, wiping my face with a wet washcloth, and stroking my forehead until I dozed off to sleep, entirely exhausted.

I had thought carefully about how to deal with Riley, and if the answer hadn't been clear immediately, it most certainly was after the news of my break-up with Bella hit the headlines.

Although I hadn't spoken to her directly since the day she came to the apartment, my sister told me Bella was horrified and humiliated that our split had become tabloid fodder. The press were relentless in their speculation, even having the audacity to suggest infidelity on her part, contributing to her split from Volturi. Paps were taking an interest again, trying to get photos of her looking depressed and waif-like. They really were vultures, preying on the vulnerable just to make a quick buck. If I had my way, Bella and I would escape the spotlight together and never return to this media circus. Why people ever actively sought fame like it was a pleasure was beyond me.

As I had known from the moment the threat left Riley's lips, I knew I would protect Bella from the pain of my infidelity becoming public knowledge, but I would not betray her again. As I said, I was stupid, but not that stupid. I hoped it would be simple to pull off my plan; everything was in place and ready.

The knock on the door told me my guest had arrived. Showtime.

I opened it to see Riley leaning casually against the door frame, that cocky, triumphant smirk on his lips that I just wanted to smack off his face.

"Come on in," I said, and closed the door behind him.

"So, you've invited me here …" Riley said, gesturing around him. "I knew you'd give in. You want me just as much as I want you." He licked his lips as he focused on mine, coming forward and trying to kiss me, but I dodged out of the way, shoving him roughly from me.

"Stop. I am not doing it, Riley," I said menacingly.

He sneered. "You don't have much choice; you go all the way with me, or your wife gets a public shaming on how a world famous model couldn't even keep her man happy." He jabbed his finger in my chest. "I _will _go to the press, not to mention sue you for sexual harassment, so shut up and kiss me."

I growled angrily at his words. "Riley, I am one of the best attorneys in New York. I graduated with honours when you were still in middle school. I would have your case torn to shreds in a matter of seconds and you would never practice law in this state, let alone the rest of the country." I took a breath. "_No one_ threatens my wife."

"And how are you going to prove it?"

"Because I have everything you've just said to me on tape," I replied smugly, revealing the tiny microphone attached to my shirt. "Blackmail can carry a heavy sentence, especially when the coercion would count as rape." I watched in satisfaction as his face paled. "Now get out of my apartment, get out of my office, and if you value your freedom, out of my life. Your internship has finished, you have no reason to still be at , so you have no excuse." I looked him dead in the eye. "And if you don't stick to it, this tape will be making its way to the police."

With that, I lifted my knee and shoved it hard into his groin. I may have added a kick or two for good measure.

.

~AMM~

.

I made copies of the conversation, many copies, and was confident I had dealt with him once and for all. Of course, taking it to the cops wasn't as simple as all that, seeing as though I had blackmailed him in return and assaulted him to boot, but as I said, I was a good lawyer.

For the umpteenth time that day, I wondered how my life had become such a lonely, dark place where I was resorting to blackmail to avoid my life and, more importantly, Bella's life, being torn to pieces under scrutiny from the media.

I lifted a framed honeymoon photograph of Bella and me from the end table, staring at the beauty of life in her eyes. I couldn't resist stroking my forefinger across her exquisite face, her high colour a stark contrast to the last time I had seen her, so pallid and gaunt.

The silence around me seemed to drag on and on, and I realised right then that _that _had been one of our fundamental problems all along: silence. We had kept quiet when things had needed to be said. As Robert Louis Stevenson said, 'The cruellest lies are often told in silence.' If that were true, both Bella and I had been vicious liars.

Despite the fact I didn't have her new number, I reached for the phone, determined to convince my sister to divulge the information. Nothing would be solved by staying silent any longer; it caused more confusion and more hurt.

The shrill sound of it ringing resounded through the room, making me jump out of my skin. I didn't recognise the number on the caller ID, and I wondered if by some intuitive sense, she was ringing me.

"Bella?" I answered.

Silence. _"Edward,"_ she said quietly, her voice a haunting mixture of emptiness and heartbreak. I wanted to hold her so fucking badly, hold her wounds together and help her to heal.

I sighed gently. "I'm here, love."

_"I'm sorry about your car,"_ she said awkwardly. _"I wasn't thinking very rationally."_

"Don't be sorry; I deserved it."

More silence. I had to break it. "You're not ringing about my car, are you, Bella?"

_"No. There's something I need to tell you …_" She sounded like she was about to cry. "_I… I've been instructing lawyers, and …_"

She couldn't be serious? We hadn't had a chance to discuss everything! I was not going to let us throw our marriage away by not communicating again.

"Bella, no," I said. "There's so much we could do to save this, why won't you let us try and save _us_? It doesn't need to be over, please tell me it's not over!"

_"It was over the moment you put another guy's dick in your mouth!"_ she exclaimed, and I flinched at the raw hatred and disgust in her voice. _"It was over the moment you chose him over me!"_

"I didn't choose him over you! I would _never-_"

_"What, Edward? What would you never do?"_ she asked viciously._ "Tell me, please, because the Edward I know would never have cheated on me! The Edward I know promised to love me, forsaking all others. You didn't. You broke your promise, you broke my trust, you broke my heart. There is no coming back from that in my book."_

I was ready to get on my hands and knees, even if she couldn't see. "Bella, _please,_ I know I made the worst mistake of my life, but we are supposed to be together; we can work through this. I will do anything you ask to prove myself worthy of you again."

She was quiet for a long moment. _"I need to know… have you seen _him?"

I sighed. "He came here uninvited the day Emmett paid me a visit," I said, "and I invited him here today to tell him to get the hell out of my life completely. He was threatening to go to the press if I didn't …" I grimaced. "If I didn't sleep with him."

She gasped. "_You didn't? Did you? Oh God, Oh God-"_

"No!" I yelled. "No, Bella, I swear I didn't! I managed to get him blackmailing me on tape, then threatened to go to the police. Baby, I swear, I would not make that mistake again!"

Her sigh of relief was audible. _"I'm glad you've seen what a manipulative asshole he is, Edward."_

"I know." I thought back to Riley's comment about seeing Bella and realised I had to ask. "Bella, did you see him? What did he say to you?"

_"He was gloating about his conquest,"_ she said in disgust. _"And…and he said he saw me. That night."_

My intake of breath was sharp as I took in her words. "That sick son of a bitch," I spat. "A kick to the nuts wasn't enough."

"_You kicked him in the balls?"_

"Yeah, why?"

"_I did, too."_ We shared a small laugh.

"See, Bella… I know we can work through this."

_"No; I don't think we can, Edward."_ She paused. _"Do you still love me?"_

"Of course! Oh God, I love you so much!"

She breathed deeply. _"Then love me enough to let me go. Let me find someone who can love me like I deserve to be loved."_

Tears clouded my vision. "But I'm that man, Bella, I swear. I know I did wrong by you but never, ever again. I will work to regain your trust, but, baby, no one can love you as much as I do."

Silence. _"You need to let 'us' go, Edward."_

"I can't," I cried. "I just can't."

_"Please," _she begged, but I could read the reluctance in her voice. Bella was doing what she did naturally: retreating. She didn't really want this; she was just trying to protect her heart. To win hers back, I would risk mine.

I was pulling and tugging at my hair now, my breath coming in short pants as my heart thundered. "Tell me you don't love me, Bella. Tell me, honestly, and I'll let you go."

_"I'll always love a part of you, Edward," _she said._ "I love the Edward that took me to Nobu the first night he met me, the one that was my rock through the tough times, the one that made love to me until the sun came up._" I could hear her crying now._ "But I don't love the Edward you became when you cheated; the one who refused to make love to me for months because he wanted someone else, the one who broke his vows, stomped all over my heart and destroyed our marriage. I pity that Edward."_

"Can you not see I'm still the same person?" I pleaded. "I made a mistake, a huge mistake, but beyond the indiscretions I'm still the man who loves you more than anything in this world."

I could almost feel her shaking her head. _"I can't love you anymore. It hurts too much. I've already started divorce proceedings... It could get a bit messy with the joint finances but..."_

"Fuck that, Bella!" I exclaimed. "I don't want anything; you can take every damn cent, but we don't need a divorce. We need to give us another try. Just stay with me, and I will earn your forgiveness. Everything on your terms. _Please._"

She paused_. "No, Edward. Even if I could forgive, who's to say I could ever forget?" _

I stared at the photograph beside me, my arms wrapped around her from behind, burying my head in her smooth, fragrant hair as she giggled. "Don't give up on us yet, Bella. I'm not even asking you to make a decision now, but will you just think on it for a bit longer? Please?"

"_Okay," _she said, her voice tiny. "_But I want you to respect my decision. You didn't respect me enough to stay faithful, so at least respect me enough now to make my own choices."_

"I will." I nodded, even though she couldn't see, tears trickling down my cheeks as we listened to the other cry softly. "I miss you, love," I said. I didn't just mean her physical presence. I missed her love, her light, her passion, everything that made her _her, _and I'd been missing it long before my transgression.

The sniffling on the end of the line grew louder, and then the softest voice, as if unsure she wanted me to hear, whispered, "I miss you, too."

And then she hung up.


	20. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

**BPOV**

I put the phone down and put the heels of my palms to my eyes, trying to stop the flow of tears. Seriously, was it even possible to cry this much? Damn me for being weak and telling him I missed him.

My decision to ring him was a culmination of lots and lots of thought, and finally reading his letter. The raw pain and desperation in his words moved me to tears, and I needed to talk to him. Now that my anger was beginning to cool off, I could re-evaluate my life and my love. It wasn't a question of whether or not I still loved him; feelings as strong as these didn't turn off like a light switch. No, it was a question of whether that love was enough to be able to get us through.

I thought, and I mean _really _thought about our marriage. I reflected on what could have or should have been done differently, traps we fell into, places we both made mistakes. Edward should have cut off contact with Riley when he realised there was a flirtation and attraction. He should have spoken to me of his feelings about my job, about everything, and I should have done the same.

I should have told him I was tired modelling, that I was being bullied by my boss. I knew Edward would have helped me get out of my contract somehow, come Hell or high water. Communication was something we were shockingly bad at. We argued; we didn't talk. Both of us should have made some more effort long before the end.

I believed we could have gone to marriage counselling had Edward not cheated. We could have dealt with his obvious desire for a man, even if I did feel inadequate. I was kinky enough in the bedroom to try anything, especially if it meant keeping my husband satisfied. But now he had betrayed my trust, I was adrift in a sea of doubt and insecurity, tossed around like a storm-stricken ship until I didn't know which way was up.

Could I ever believe in Edward again? Could I ever live with the uncertainty? Could I kiss his lips and feel his touch, and not see his adultery before my eyes?

I didn't have answers to those questions. I did know I had to get away. I couldn't bear New York anymore; not only did I want to escape the memories, but I was sick of the bustle, the stress, the media. I wanted a completely fresh start, to find who I was again, find time for introspection and growth, and only then consider the possibility of working on a future with Edward. I may find on my journey that we had had our time in the sun. It reminded me of the beautiful Ecclesiastes scripture:

_To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:_

_A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;_

_A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;_

_A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;_

_A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;_

_A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;_

_A time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;_

_A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace._

One thing for sure, it was definitely time for me to move forward. I found myself, for the first time in my life, completely free to make my own choices. I was born in Forks and stayed there with my father, and I followed Emmett to New York. I spent so long under contracts and rules, my movements impeded by shackles placed around me.

I asked myself, 'Where do I want to live? Where do I want to start over? Where do I want to be?'

My answer was instinctive. When I had travelled, I had always felt at home in England, and used to find myself hoping Edward could get a transfer to London, and we could have a house in the green English countryside, in a picture-perfect, chocolate box cottage. Obviously, that vision had changed somewhat, but I could see myself there. It was where I wanted to be.

Over the past few days, I had spent a lot of time thinking about the implications, even if I only stayed a few months or a year. An eight hour flight away from my family. I would be alone in a foreign country. It would be hard, but I listened to my heart and the feeling in my gut. It was telling me to go for it; I needed the time, I needed the space. Nothing was set in stone; the move wasn't permanent, unless I wanted it to be, that is.

I had meant what I agreed to on the phone with Edward; I would think harder about the divorce. I guess that was something I had jumped into while I was still angry, and a big part of me still was. I felt I couldn't start from scratch if I was still tethered to someone else, even if it was just in law. Could I?

Thinking about the steps I was about to take was frightening, but I felt excited and hopeful for the first time since the night my world crashed down. Maybe I had survived the fall after all.

.

~AMM~

.

I clicked 'submit' on the screen in front of me, excitement and nerves shooting through me simultaneously. Sitting alone in Alice's kitchen, I had just applied for a UK tourist visa. That would give me up to six months to make my mind up on whether I wanted to apply for a permanent visa or not. I was feeling pretty giddy and even allowed myself to clap my hands like a fan-girl.

I got up and poured myself a glass of wine in celebration and optimistic anticipation. I heard a key in the door, and flicked my head expecting to see Alice, but instead being met by my brother's goofy grin.

"Hey, little sis!" he greeted, crossing the room in a few strides and swooping me into a bear hug.

"Em, you do know that key is for emergencies, right?"

He shrugged, unabashed. "Rosie's taken Luka to her parents', and you know I can't cook. It is an emergency."

"Well, I don't fancy cooking, so how about takeout? Alice has a stack of menus around here somewhere."

He punched the air. "Sweet!"

"Want a beer, too?"

"Bells, why do you ask such silly questions?" He rolled his eyes.

I punched his arm and headed for the fridge.

I realised too late what I had done. I had left my nosy-as-hell brother alone near my laptop. I spun around, hoping he hadn't seen it, but he was leaning over the screen, his face white as a ghost.

"Bella?" he asked. "What's going on? Why the fuck are you on the UK border agency website? Why does it say your application has been received?"

_Fuck my life._

I massaged my temples as I tried to think of the best way to explain it to him. _The truth might help._

"Sit down, Em," I said. With narrowed eyes, he took a seat on one of the stools, and I sat beside him. Taking a deep breath, I said, "I'm going away for a while."

His face grew stormy. "You're running away because of him?!"

"No! I'm not running away," I said. "I need to do this for me. I don't know if I have any type of future with Edward, but I need to be by myself first to figure stuff out."

"But why fly halfway across the world? You could do that here!" His eyes swam with sadness and loss.

"I can't explain it… it feels right. I've always wanted to do this, but I thought Edward would be by my side…" I gripped his hand tight. "I could stay here… I could try and forget everything, move on with my life, but I would be tortured by memories… If I took him back now, Edward and I could go to marriage counselling… but I'd always wonder if we were masking the cracks. I've got the chance to find who _I_ am, and I value myself too much not to take it."

"What about your family?" he asked. "What about Luka, Bella? What am I going to tell him?"

"That's not fair!" I said hotly. "It will be hard on all of us, I know, but I don't want to end up bitter because I stayed here for other people." I paused. "It's not forever… we can Skype, and you three can come out for the holidays; I bet Luka would love that."

He stared at me for a long second, before yanking me from my stool and hugging me tight.

"I won't lie and say I'm over the moon. You're my baby sister…" he said thickly. "But you do what you gotta do. I'll always support you, and I'm proud you're taking some 'me' time. I'll miss you though, and don't think I won't fly all the way over there to kick someone's ass if they hurt you!"

I laughed. "I'll miss you, too, big brother."

I smiled as he squeezed me once more and released me. "When are you leaving?"

"Assuming I get approved - a couple of weeks."

His eyes widened, but he nodded. He knew when my mind was made up. "You're not gonna come back saying 'arse' and 'bloody hell', are ya?"

I jabbed him in the ribs. "I will now, just to annoy you."

He laughed once, before he grew serious again. "Are you going through with the divorce?"

"I- I think so," I replied hesitantly.

A reluctant sigh escaped him. "As much as I dislike the douche, I know he's gonna be devastated you're leaving."

"I know. But if we are to have any chance of being together, I have to do this." I wasn't doing this to hurt him or to spite him. For once it was about me. "Please let me tell everyone; you can tell Rose, I won't ask you to keep secrets from her."

"Do it soon though, Bells," he said. "We need these weeks to enjoy you before you hop across the pond."

I wiped my eyes that were filling up. I honestly didn't know how I would get through telling Edward. As angry and betrayed as I was, he still had my heart, even if it was mangled. I needed it back so I could fix it before I decided to ever give it away again.

.

**EPOV**

.

A week later, and I was taking my daily, reflective stroll through Central Park. I felt numb, hollow. Now I had dealt with Riley, all I was faced with was the stark reality of what I had lost, and all for nothing. Yes, Riley had manipulated me, but I had _allowed _myself to be manipulated. I buried my head in the sand and refused to see what I needed to do, refused to be a man, a husband. I had been so foolish and immature, and I was paying dearly. Everyone was paying for my mistake. God, that word didn't even come close to summing it up.

I ambled back through the sweltering streets, the sterile apartment I had put on the market awaiting me. I couldn't stay there any longer, so I would take a loss if I had to. I passed Felix, giving him a nod, and took the elevator.

As the doors opened onto the hallway, I saw a man waiting for me. A delivery man, with a thick envelope in his hands. My heart began to sink.

"Edward Cullen?" he asked as I approached.

I nodded, unable to speak.

"Consider yourself served," he said, and handed me the envelope that would rip out the last fragments of my heart.


	21. Chapter 20

**Tissue warning if you cry easily...**

* * *

**Chapter 20**

**BPOV**

Packing up my life was surprisingly easy; my visa had been approved with no hassle, my flights booked, and I would buy most things new once I got there. I would be making a quick detour; I had to go to Forks to say a temporary goodbye to my father and let him know why I wouldn't be visiting the cemetery for a while. I liked to think he would have been proud of me. I wished I could ask him for his thoughts. He had always been a man of few words but whatever he did have to say was wise and from the heart.

Telling my family and friends was emotionally draining. I sat down separately with everyone; I needed to explain my reasons and give them each some quality time. Alice cried but kept a watery smile on her face as I held her hands in mine. Angela squealed with excitement for me. Rose was angry, not at me, but at Edward, thinking he had run me out of the country. Luka didn't really understand, but was thrilled he would get to see the soldiers he had only seen in pictures, and I promised to take him to a soccer match, any team he chose. Esme and Carlisle said they were proud of me for putting myself first, but I could detect their deep sadness. The general consensus, however, was I should do what was right for me, and if I was happy, so were they. They would come visit me, and it wasn't forever.

Part of me felt I should have told Edward first; on one hand, he was still my husband, although he threw away his right to know my business when he cheated. But I knew this would devastate him, and I couldn't find it in me anymore to want to hurt him like that. So, I had been a coward and asked people to give me a few days to get my head together.

I was leaving in a week, and I couldn't put it off any longer. I called him and asked to meet, but not in the apartment. I didn't want to set foot in there ever again. It needed to be on neutral territory. We agreed to meet in Central Park, and as I walked across the lush green grass, I was growing increasingly nervous.

He was sat on the bench, his broad shoulders hunched as if under an invisible weight. I knew the feeling. His eyes snapped up to my face, instinctively knowing I was near. It made my heart physically ache to know the bond we shared was still there, but that it wasn't enough anymore. If the feelings had gone, it would be easier. It was much harder to love with your whole heart, only to still fall short of the mark. Harder to scream and cry and fight because you loved so much, but when all was said and done, knowing you had to surrender because you had nothing left to give.

I slowed my approach to the haunted man in front of me, the pain reflected in his eyes so intense it made my knees tremble.

"Bella," he whispered, his voice a lament as soft as a dove's cry.

"Edward," I returned, sitting a distance away from him on the bench.

"How are you?" he asked.

"Better," I said, shrugging. "Not great, but I'm getting there. You?"

"Worse," he admitted, and I was glad he wasn't shading me from the truth.

We sat in silence for a few minutes, staring out across the peaceful lake and the birds that flocked around it. Two geese swam together across the mirror-like surface, mated for life as I had thought to be. I was jealous.

"Is this really it, Bella?" he asked slowly. "Are those divorce papers for real, or are you just trying to hurt me?"

The divorce papers. Shit, if he signed them and sent them back… that was it… over. Was that really what I wanted?

"I'm not trying to hurt you, Edward," I said. "I know you're hurting. There are no winners here, only losers."

"Then you really want me to sign?"

I hesitated.

"Bella, please don't do this out of haste," he said. "Do we have to rush into this?"

"I don't … I don't know anymore, Edward. Part of me really wants you to sign, but I know that comes from how much I'm still hurting. I can't let that hurt rule the rest of my life and my decisions. I realise now I rushed into it to avoid that hurt. We both need to take some time."

I saw a tear fall from his brimming eyes and turned my gaze back to the lake.

"I know I've said it a lot, but I _am _sorry, Bella. More than you will ever know; for the pain I caused you, for not doing enough to work on our marriage. But I know we can still fix this … just give me the chance."

I knew he would try to persuade me, and hearing him beg me was tearing at my heartstrings, but I had to remain firm and tell him the truth.

"I'm leaving, Edward," I said.

His eyes flashed to mine, his mouth dropping open. "You're … leaving?" he asked, incredulous. "What do you mean? Are you working again? Going on vacation? Where? For how long?"

I winced, preparing myself. "I'm moving to England. I need a fresh start."

There was silence, almost a moment of mourning. "England? But what about us? he asked. "Are you coming back?"

I shrugged lightly. "I don't know, maybe I'll just spend a few months, maybe I'll decide to stay. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I'll miss everyone like hell …" I grimaced. "… but I have to get out of here. The memories of this city are too hard right now. I need a clean slate in a place I can be me. I need to find out who I am, and more importantly, who I am without you."

"If only I …" He squeezed his eyes shut, unable to finish his sentence.

"It's easy to say 'if only'; there are so many things we should have done, Edward," I said. "I should have told you how I hated my job. How I was being bullied into something that made me unhappy, which carried over into our home life. I shouldn't have run from you every time. We should have sat down and discussed it." I looked at him and smiled sadly. "They say hindsight is 20/20."

Edward swallowed thickly. "I would have helped you," he said, "but you're not the only one who made mistakes. I should have been honest with you and told you how I felt pushed out, unwanted. I felt like I didn't matter, and it felt like you weren't there in body or spirit." His eyes shone. "I'm not blaming you, love. If I had just fucking _talked _to you, we wouldn't be here …" He tugged at his hair and stared into my eyes, hard and deep, to the depths of my soul. "Bella, I'll hold onto the divorce papers; I'll give you time, but I am begging you not to go. I'll do anything, just please don't leave me."

His despair was that of a lost child, and I couldn't stop myself reaching out to grab his hand. "It has to be this way, Edward," I said, choking up. "I can't deal with your betrayal while I'm here with you. It makes me want to throw caution to the wind and try to bury the pain and move on with you… but if I do then it will always be there."

He nodded in acknowledgement. Deep down, I think we both knew it was right, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

"Can I ask a question?" I asked.

"Of course, Bella. Ask me anything."

"Would you have told me? When I got back from LA, would you have confessed?"

His brow furrowed as he thought his answer over carefully. "Yes, I'm almost certain I would," he said. "I was heartbroken as soon as I realised what I had done and how it would crush you. I didn't want to hurt you again with having to tell you what I'd done, but I knew I couldn't keep it from you; I couldn't have lived like that, and you deserved the truth."

I took in his words, and as unwilling as I was to believe in him, I couldn't find one ounce of insincerity on his tortured face.

The silence stretched on, and we watched passers-by, oblivious to the two hearts breaking nearby. I let myself revel in his warm hand in mine, for just a little longer. "Is there any chance for us, Bella?" he asked. "Do you think you can ever forgive me?"

"I don't know," I said honestly. "I can't give you false hope. We both have individual issues we need to resolve before we could even considering working on a relationship."

He nodded, and I released his hand, my heart clenching as it prepared to let go of him, even if it wasn't forever.

"When?" he asked, and I knew what he was asking.

"Next week." My eyes took in and savoured every inch of his face, though his dull, flat eyes tormented me in their doom. I saw the man I had fallen in love with; the romantic, the gentleman, the caring husband. But I couldn't deny I also saw the face of an adulterer, the man who broke my trust and shattered my heart. This was what I had to do, though I was twisting a dagger into open wounds.

"I miss you so much, love," he cried. "I know I have no one but myself to blame, but I miss you every second of every day. I love you more than anything or anyone in this world. I'll never stop, no matter what happens."

I willed the tears away, determined to save my breakdown for when I was alone. God this was so hard, so fucking hard."I know," I said. I couldn't say it back, even though I knew it was true. "I've got to go, Edward."

I could feel the meltdown coming, so I quickly gathered my bag, got to my feet and began walking, one foot in front of the other, again and again, ignoring the force pulling me back.

As I strode away from the love of my life, tears coursing silently down my cheeks, his sorrowful voice floated gently across the breeze, caressing me like the softest feather in its love and loss, murmuring simply, "Bella."

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**Yikes! I will be posting next Thursday!**

**If you're not already aware, I have a new fic currently 2 little chapters in and practically written already! I didn't wanna take a risk! It's called The Young Isabella, and we have a fb group for that too. Send some love its way please :)**


	22. Chapter 21

**THANK YOU to everyone who reviews... I don't say it enough, but I really do love you all. Come join AMM FB group, link on profile.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**

* * *

**Chapter 21**

**EPOV**

Leaving. She was _leaving._ I don't know how I managed to find my way back from the park that day, such was my despair. The woman I loved more than anyone in this world was flying across the world, and I didn't know if she was coming back. I would have to have faith, for as the saying goes, 'If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours. If it doesn't, it never was.'

It was early Saturday morning, and I was busy emptying out drawers in my home office. I needed something to keep my mind occupied, and I couldn't bear to be in this apartment any longer; I was moving back in with my parents for a while. I needed out of Manhattan. My bosses had needed a decision on whether I was coming back to work; they couldn't keep my position open forever, no matter how good I was at my job. While I knew it would keep me busy, I just didn't have it in me to want to continue. It was a cold, harsh business, full of conniving, ruthless people, and I didn't want to be a part of that anymore.

At the bottom of the last drawer were a handful of loose photographs. There were a couple from our honeymoon, a couple from when Bella was still in college. She looked so happy, so alive and carefree. Her vivacity knew no bounds, and I prayed to God it would come back to her.

I picked up another, this one much more recent. It was taken last year, on my parents' anniversary at a beautiful ballroom in the Hamptons. To the camera we appeared a happy enough couple, but the smiles on our faces were fake; we'd just been arguing again.

Flashback

_Bella had disappeared from the party. The last thing I knew she had been talking with my sister, but Alice said she went to answer a call. That was almost an hour ago, and no one knew where she was. It was almost time for the speeches, and I was getting worried._

_I finally found her in the gardens, her phone still glued to one ear as she paced up and down, her high heels clacking on the flag-stones._

"_Bella," I whispered. "The speeches…"_

_She held her hand up for me to be quiet. _

_I was worried she might be cold, so I took my jacket off and tried to put it around her shoulders. She shrugged me off. _

"_Uh huh … yeah … I'll tell him … okay … bye, Ang."_

_She slipped her phone into her purse and turned to me. "We're going to have to drive home early tomorrow morning; Aro's called a meeting, and I've got to fly out to LA."_

_My heart sank; I had a special morning planned out, full of flowers and a lavish breakfast in bed, with hours to make love to her. We hadn't been close recently, and I felt I needed to try. Already irked by her dismissive demeanour, I huffed, "Again?"_

"_Seriously, Edward, you want to have this conversation again? Here? Now?" she asked rhetorically. "We never get anywhere. Let's just put smiles on and go back inside." She turned on her heel, and I shoved my hands in my pockets, trailing along in her wake._

End Flashback

Now I thought of that memory, I could see it all so differently. Things seemed so much clearer; I could hear the reluctance in her voice, see the unhappiness written across her face. I could see the look in her eyes tellingme she didn't want to go, almost _begging_ me to help her, but I didn't see it. I was too caught up being selfish and childish to see what she was _not _saying, to read between the lines and understand her like only I could.

Looking back on the past few months, I could see where I had been so very, very wrong. I hadn't given her the love or the respect she deserved. I was plagued with thoughts of 'if only'. If only I had looked harder at the problems in our marriage instead of brushing them under the carpet, if only I had talked to Bella, if only I had shown her one ounce of the love I had in my heart. If only I had been a man, not a boy. If only I had known where to draw the line. If only, if only.

I could still read Bella like a book, and as she had walked away from me that day in Central Park, I knew there was a chance that had been my goodbye. She didn't cope with them well. I held onto hope she would let me see her one more time before she left, possibly the last time I would ever see her as my wife if she decided she wanted me to sign the papers. But no way in hell would I do it while she was unsure.

I was sinking, but I would hold on until she had taken the opportunity she deserved, and followed her own desires. Only then would I surely fade away and let the pain take me. I would not let her feel guilty.

My phone beeped, and I grabbed it with haste. It was my sister.

**E- She's leaving in an hour. Hurry- A**

.

~AMM~

.

As I approached Alice's apartment, the voices coming from inside told me everyone had come to say goodbye. I hoped I wasn't overstepping the mark … I just had to see her.

Sure enough, when Alice opened the door, my parents, Rose, Emmett, Luka, and Angela were all sharing hugs, saying how much they would miss each other, how much they loved each other.

Bella's case and carry-on were by the door, a light jacket draped across the top. I was glad for that; I didn't want her to be cold. She was always cold on aeroplanes.

Everyone looked up as they heard me enter. My parents' faces reflected their deep sadness and also sympathy as they acknowledged me, but my eyes sought Bella.

Her expression changed from surprise, to panic, and settling on a sadness so deep it pained me just to see it.

We stared at each other for a long time before she spoke. "Come with me," she said, before turning to her brother. "I'll just be a minute." Even Emmett looked at me pityingly.

I followed Bella to the spare room she had been staying in, savouring the divine scent that hung in the room. I let it wash over me like a balm, and I wished there was a way I could bottle it and keep it forever.

She shut the door behind us, and for a minute we stood facing each other, just drinking each other in. She looked better, healthier, and there was a glint of optimism in her eyes.

I was too scared to speak for fear I might break down. I never wanted to leave this room. I wanted to stay with her here, but I knew the clock was ticking. She surprised me by coming forward and taking my hands in hers. I stared down at them, joined like they had been on our wedding day, and back up to her beautiful face.

"I can't believe this is happening," I choked out. "God, I love you so much."

She nodded, blinking furiously at the tears forming in her eyes.

"If I could go back …" I started, but I couldn't finish.

"I know," she whispered, "but we can't. What's done is done, and we need to move forward." She squeezed my hands. "This is where our paths diverge, maybe for just a time, maybe for forever, I don't know."

A strangled cry left my throat, but I was determined not to break down. She needed to do this, and it was the least I could do to let her without feeling guilty.

"Please be careful," I said.

Tears began to brim over her eyes. "I will," she whispered, her voice breaking. "You, t-too."

"Don't cry, sweet girl," I soothed, running my thumbs over her cheeks, catching the salty droplets and savouring the feel of her soft skin underneath. My voice was a hoarse whisper when I spoke. "I'm sorry I let you down."

She pressed her lips closed against a cry as she stared into my eyes, the only sound our deep breathing. She suddenly threw her arms around my waist, and I wrapped her in my embrace, letting tears fall into her hair, which I stroked tenderly.

"Bella, I know I have no right to ask, but please … can I just kiss you one more time? I just-" I gritted my teeth against the pain. "I just want to remember how it feels … in case … in case I never get to touch your lips again."

Slowly, she nodded into my chest, and pulled back. My eyes danced across her face, heartbreak written across it. I caressed her cheek, and she leaned into my touch.

I brought my lips closer to hers, feeling everything slot into place as they touched gently, her lips moulding to mine. It was a sweet kiss, full of sorrow and loss and grief and love. I could taste the saltiness of our streaming tears, and although it was the saddest moment of my life, it was the one I wanted to stay in forever.

When we broke apart, another piece of me disappeared. I placed one final tender kiss on her forehead.

"I have to go," she whispered.

I nodded. "I know."

With a final squeeze of my hand, she let go and walked to the door, where she turned for one last glance, a tiny smile on her sweet lips.

"You are the only one who will ever own my heart, Bella," I said. "Please remember that. If I had to wait a lifetime for you, I would. And if you don't come back to me … it will still be worth it … because I was given the chance to love you."

She whimpered, shutting her eyes tightly as she nodded. "Goodbye, Edward."

Then she was gone.

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**Sniff! I am sorry I don't reply to reviews, guys, but I'm trying to spend my time writing to make sure I don't run out of chapters for you! :)**

**Til next week...**


	23. Chapter 22

***I just want to say such a huge thank you for all your support, and a big sorry for being so rubbish.. I'll make it up to you, I promise! When I have more written, I will increase posting***

**Big thanks to A Jasper For Me for beta'ing!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing 'Twilight'.**

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**Chapter 22**

**BPOV**

Saying goodbye to Edward was possibly the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I surprised myself by allowing him to kiss me, but I needed it too. I could feel his pain, taste his heartbreak, but through all that shone the love. His pain hurt me worse than my own. I wanted to stop the hurting; I was so sick of it. Healing, though, would take time, and I needed to do the first part of that alone. I was suddenly scared what I would find on my journey, afraid I would discover we had reached the point of no return.

The goodbyes to everyone else paled in comparison. I knew I would be seeing them in a matter of months, but as for Edward … I didn't know when I would see him again or what the circumstances would be.

I had been fortunate to find a flight from JFK to Port Angeles, so my journey to Forks had only taken about an hour in my rental. I stopped to get some new silk flowers to go on my father's grave; Emmett and I always thought it was better to get artificial ones and keep it looking nice. I set an alarm, a quiet alarm, on my phone for when I would need to leave and walked through the iron gate, across the peaceful cemetery to where my father lay.

**Charles Swan**

**1961-2007**

**Beloved father, friend, protector.**

'**There hath pass'd away a glory from the earth.'**

I placed the flowers carefully on the grave, thankful someone was keeping it tidy. It didn't surprise me; Charlie had always been popular in Forks.

"Hey, Daddy," I said, sitting back on the grass, cross-legged. "I'm sorry it's been a while. I'm sure you're aware things haven't been going too well … in fact, I'm surprised you're not haunting Edward." I smiled. "Don't hate him, Dad. He's a good man, really; he just lost his way. _We_ lost our way. He loves me; I know that much, but we need more than that. I've got to figure some stuff out by myself first … I'm so damn confused staying here."

"So, I'm going away for a while; I don't know when I'll be back. I'm going to England, but you probably knew that, huh? I wonder what you would have made of my decision. I hope you would have been proud." A tear trickled down my cheek.

"Emmett's done such a good job of looking after me," I continued. "You should see Luka now; he's the most adorable little boy. I'm still so glad you got to meet him. It's sad my future kids won't get to meet their Grandpa Charlie, but I'll tell them all about you. I've got a list of stories a mile long; you gave me the best childhood, and I couldn't have asked for a better daddy."

I continued to pour my heart out, finding it cathartic, as if he was comforting me even though he wasn't here in person. I told him about my job, and I knew he'd be proud of me for standing up to my former boss. I told him about Carlisle and Esme, what a wonderful job they were doing as surrogate parents, about Alice and all her craziness, about how excited yet scared I was to be going on this little adventure into the unknown, all the while silent tears streaming down my cheeks.

"I miss you every day, Dad," I cried. "There's not a day goes by that something doesn't remind me of you, or I wish I could ask your advice, or even sit and watch football with you. I wish I'd done that more often.

"What do I do about the divorce, Dad? Why does it feel like serving Edward those papers was such a big mistake? I wish you could answer me."

The quiet alarm I had set on my phone beeped, and I knew it was time to go. I could get so caught up talking to Charlie that the time always surprised me.

"I've got to leave if I want to make my flight," I told him. "I promise I'll come back and see you as soon as I can. I love you, Daddy." I placed a kiss on my fingers and pressed them to the headstone.

Getting to my feet, I wiped the dirt from my jeans and began walking back towards the car. I could almost hear his voice floating across the hush of the cemetery with the words he always used to say to me. "_Life is too short, Bella."_

_._

~AMM~

.

My flight was boarding as I sat nursing the last of a cool glass of Sauvignon in the first class lounge at Sea-Tac, but something was niggling at me. Those divorce papers. All it would take was a signature. As I watched the planes taxiing through the floor-to-ceiling windows, I was hit with the real possibility Edward would get tired of waiting. Did I want him to wait for me? What would happen if he found someone else?

This was precisely why I needed to get away … but oh, how I wished I hadn't been so rash and started divorce proceedings without taking this time away _first_. Walking through security to international departures had been bittersweet; Edward and I had made the same detour to Forks before we left on our honeymoon, so I could put my bouquet on my father's grave. And now here I was again, with no one holding my hand, whispering in my ear, kissing my lips, my forehead, my nose.

_The VIP lounge was quiet, but Edward still found the most secluded corner in which to ensconce ourselves. I was about to sit in the luxurious plush chair beside him, when suddenly he swept me by the waist into his lap, making me giggle in surprise._

"_And where do you think you're going?" he whispered in my ear, making me shiver. I twisted in his arms so I was facing him, stroking my fingertips across his cheekbones, unable to believe this man was mine._

_He brought his lips to kiss my inner wrist, keeping his eyes locked on mine, shining with love and darkening with a lustful hunger._

_A waiter came with our champagne as we sat wrapped up in each other, pouring us each a glass with discretion. Edward tipped him generously, keeping one arm around me as if he couldn't bear to let go for a single second. I understood entirely; if I had my way, I'd never leave his arms._

_Edward handed me a flute and stared me deep in the eyes. "To a long and happy future together," he toasted. "I love you, Mrs Cullen."_

Those last words echoed through my mind as I pulled myself from the memory. _Mrs Cullen. _I held up my bare left hand, my ring finger still feeling naked without my engagement ring and wedding band. The hurt I had felt at that time was unbearable in its intensity, and even now it was crippling. But was it insurmountable?

I couldn't answer that question yet, but I could hear my father's voice in my head again. "_Life is too short, Bella."_

Suddenly I couldn't get to my phone fast enough. I dug through my carry on and pulled out my cell. I knew if I spoke to him, I would end up not taking my flight, and I needed this time. I paused over the screen, finding it easier to express my feelings in a quote than my own words.

**E- 'Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love.' Don't sign them yet- B**

I pressed 'send' and sat back, feeling a weight fly off my shoulders.

'_This is the last call for passengers on flight BA0428 to London Heathrow. Please proceed to gate number 12.'_

I got to my feet and grabbed my carry-on, fishing out my boarding pass and passport sitting just inside and handing them to the flight attendant on the gate.

"Have a nice trip, Madam," she said, handing me back the checked documents.

I smiled at her, hoisted my bag over my shoulder, and set off down the jetway to whatever awaited me. I sensed I was walking both towards and away from my future.

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**A lot of you may disagree with Bella here and in future chapters, but please don't flame. She's confused and doesn't want to make a rash decision, but recognises the need for time and space.**

**Because this is short, I will post another on Sunday.**

**Please review! :)**


	24. Chapter 23

**Disclaimer: I own nothing 'Twilight'**

* * *

**Chapter 23**

**EPOV**

I stayed in that room for what seemed like hours, my face pressed into the pillow where her scent was strongest. I sensed everyone was just giving me some time alone, but as my silent tears turned to whimpers and full on sobs, I heard the door creak open and felt the bed sag beside me.

Alice wrapped her arms around me, rubbing soothing circles on my back until I calmed down. "Thank you, Alice," I croaked. "For looking after her … and for letting me know …"

She nodded in acknowledgement. "I wasn't entirely sure, but I could tell she wouldn't have been ready to leave until she'd seen you. And you deserved a chance to say goodbye…"

I nodded into the top of her head, understanding what she was saying; in case that had been our last ever moment as more than just former spouses. The idea Bella and I may end up seeing each other maybe once a year at a family get-together, exchanging pleasantries, didn't compute; it was too bizarre. I had meant what I said; she was the only one who would ever own my heart. No one would take her place, as I knew my heart beat only for her. It was excruciating to face the possibility I would have to watch her move on, marry someone else, bear his child and know it could have been me had I not fucked everything up.

"Hey," Alice said, "I can see where your mind is going; you don't know things are over forever."

"I can't help it," I cried. "Do you know what it's like to hate someone with everything you are, yet not be able to escape because that person is you? To torture yourself day and night, wake up in cold sweats wishing the pain would let up just for a second?"

"You're going to have to learn to forgive yourself, Edward," she said.

I shook my head. "I don't think I ever can."

.

~AMM~

.

After a quick stop at the apartment to pick up some clothes, I ended up going back home with my parents. They said they missed me, that the company would do me good, but secretly I think they were both worried what I would do if left to my own devices.

They tried to keep the conversation up over dinner, but they didn't want to say the wrong thing. Carlisle ended up regaling us with anecdotes from his various patients, but I didn't mind; at least I didn't have to add much, just nod along and look interested.

I soon retired to my childhood bedroom, now decorated as an extra guest suite. I remembered the fun of convincing Bella to have sex here; she had been so worried my parents would find out. What she didn't realise was they were just as bad. I shuddered, thankful my room was on the other side of the house.

Most people grow up expecting life to go a certain way; you go to school, go to college, get a job, get married, have kids … it's just ingrained in us by society. That's the way things are. So when things derail, you find yourself utterly lost. No one said anything about when things go wrong. This wasn't part of the plan, part of the deal.

Sleep didn't find me that night. I lay there on my side, my eyes glued to the wall, my arms feeling horribly empty as usual. It was nearing 1:00 AM when my cell beeped. I couldn't resist checking it, but was surprised to find a message Bella.

**E- 'Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love.' Don't sign them- B**

George Eliot, I thought. I'd always taken those words ambiguously; it takes separation to realise the strength of love, but in turn parting would make the love stronger.

It was good news; but for some reason it couldn't reach me. It was light at the end of the proverbial tunnel; it was hope, but I couldn't grasp it. All I knew was she was gone, and above me was the darkest thunder cloud, pinning me down. Why couldn't I feel the hope? I had to try harder.

.

~AMM~

.

My parents grew increasingly concerned. I was trying; I really was, but every time I tried to pull myself from the deep well I was in, I would lose my footing. I went on auto-pilot, barely eating despite Esme's attempts to feed me up and hardly sleeping but for an hour or two a night, if that.

"Son, I'm worried about you," Carlisle said after a week, coming into my room where I lay on my bed. "You hardly speak anymore, you're losing weight, you look like you haven't slept in weeks."

I turned to look at him, noticing the deep furrows in his brow. He suddenly looked so much older. "I don't know what to do, Dad," I said. "I know this isn't productive, but it's like I'm not in control. I feel like there's something weighing me down. I'm so fucking sad and lost without her, and I _loathe _myself for doing this to both of us." I sat up beside him, resting my head in my hands. "I'm tortured by all the things I should have done all the time. She's being so brave and I'm being so pathetic, but I can't help it … it just hurts so fucking much!" I was bawling now, and he put his arm around me, letting me cry into his shoulder. "I miss her, Dad."

"I know you do, son," he murmured soothingly. "I can't imagine how much you are hurting, but I really think you need some help."

"What kind of help?"

"I think you're depressed, Edward. I think it would be beneficial to put you on a low dose of anti-depressants, and I also think you should see someone, a therapist."

"Will it stop me feeling like this?" I asked, my voice that of a lost child.

"It will help," he said. "It won't take the pain away overnight, but you need to come to terms with what's happened. You owe it to yourself as much as to Bella. If she decides she wants to work on the relationship, you need to be in a place where you are ready to build on the foundations; you need to work on yourself first."

I nodded slowly at the logic.

"I'll set you up with an excellent psychotherapist," Carlisle said. "His name is Jasper Whitlock; he specialises in depression and anxiety disorders, and in my opinion, is the best in his field." He kissed the top of my head. "Everything's going to be okay, son."

.

~AMM~

.

On Monday morning, I found myself in a waiting room at a private psychiatric clinic. I was honestly expecting some old guy with a white beard and round, Freud-style glasses to make me lie down on a couch.

I was surprised to see Jasper Whitlock was a guy about my age. He looked casual, not dressed in stuffy tweeds, with wavy blonde hair.

"Edward Cullen?" he asked, his accent thick and southern.

I nodded, and he shook my hand.

"Please, come on in."

He led me into a light, airy room, with no couch in sight; just plush chairs and a mahogany desk. We both took a seat, and he pulled a notepad from his messenger bag.

"As you know, I'm Jasper Whitlock, but please just call me Jasper; I think it's much better if we're informal."

"Sure." I fidgeted with the chain around my neck, letting it calm my nerves.

"Let's just start with you telling me about yourself," Jasper said casually. "Whatever you want to tell me."

I ran a hand through my hair. "Well, I was brought up in the Hamptons … I had a privileged upbringing … two happily married, loving parents, a twin sister, never wanting for anything …" I shrugged, feeling awkward. "I was an honour student, got into NYU to study law. I could have gone to Ivy League, but I didn't want to leave my sister or the place I'd grown up in."

He raised an eyebrow but said nothing, scribbling on his notepad.

"I met my w- wife," I said, faltering, "when she was a freshman and I was a junior. She's the absolute love of my life." I was tearing up already.

Jasper gave me time to gather myself, handing me a tissue. "What's her name?" he asked kindly.

"Bella," I said, smiling at the sound of her name on my lips, and began to tell him about her.

"I understand from your notes you and Bella aren't together right now?" Jasper said when I had finished.

I shook my head. "I fucked everything up."

He scribbled away again. "What do you mean by that, Edward?"

"I ruined our marriage; I … I cheated on her." I bowed my head from the shame. "I still don't know how I could do that …"

"Were things good in your marriage before this happened?"

"No," I admitted. "But that doesn't excuse what I did."

"I'm not saying it does, Edward, but we are here to help you work through how you have come to be where you are."

"What's there to find out?" I asked hotly. "I'm a screw-up who lost the best thing he ever had because he acted like a jealous child!" More writing, more nodding.

"How do you feel right now?" Jasper drawled.

"Angry. I feel angry at myself for being a fuck-up, and I wish I could turn the fucking clock back. I'm angry I'm sitting in therapy instead of living my life with Bella."

"Anger is a perfectly healthy emotion, Edward. It serves as a means of protection. It can be positive, but when we fight against it rather than letting ourselves feel what we feel, then it becomes a negative emotion. Right now you are fighting it."

I huffed.

"What I'm interested in are the reasons behind the emotion," he continued. "You said you were a 'fuck-up'; you need to challenge that belief. Just because you made a grave error, it doesn't define you. What define us are our actions thereafter; you are here, you are in therapy, trying to get better. I don't think that constitutes a fuck-up." He smiled warmly.

I considered his words. "I cheated on my wife; how can that not make someone a fuck-up?"

"Let's look behind the behaviour. Why did you cheat, Edward?"

That brought me up short. "I was attracted to someone … jealous my wife's efforts went elsewhere … I felt pushed aside, like she didn't care."

"How did that make you feel?"

"I felt unwanted."

"And what is behind that belief? If your wife didn't want you, what did that mean?"

"It meant I never deserved her, and she'd realised it. I was … I _am …_ unworthy."

He smiled in satisfaction. "And that's what we're going to challenge. Now, before you leave, I want to set you some homework."

"Homework?"

He laughed. "Yes. I would like you to write down what you feel you are to blame for in your marriage, and not just the cheating. It will bring uncomfortable emotions, but sit with them; accept them. You can write it as an unsent letter to Bella if that helps."

He checked his watch. "Looks like our session is up. I'll see you Thursday, Edward."

As I left, I realised I was finally reaching for the hand trying to save me. At last I was trying to save myself.

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**Thank you to all reviewers, I'm sorry I can't reply to them all the time! I really do appreaciate you taking the time to review!**

**Til Thursday!**


	25. Chapter 24

**Big thanks as usual, you wonderful lot!**

**I own nothing 'Twilight'.**

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**Chapter 24**

**BPOV**

Despite all the emotional baggage I was bringing with me, England still felt right. I called everyone apart from Edward to let them know I had landed safely and told them I would be in touch.

I had been staying in Central London for a week, as it was the only place I knew, but the truth was, I was sick of hotels. I would get up early every morning to go do some sightseeing; I had never had time to go to places like the National Gallery or the Victoria and Albert Museum. I liked to be there first thing before the crowds got too busy, and after a morning of exploring art or history or science, I slunk off to one of the beautiful parks to walk, to think, and to bathe in the late August sunshine.

I had been giving careful consideration to where I wanted to move; I didn't want to stay in London, but I wanted to remain in the South where the weather was a bit warmer, and I longed to be beside the coast. I used my time in the evenings to take long soaks in bubbles, order room service, and to curl up in a chair with a couple of glasses of wine and my laptop to research possible locations. I wanted somewhere beautiful and peaceful. Somewhere I could escape to, a place perfect for reflection and introspection.

Tonight, as I picked up where I had left off, my eye was caught by a picture of a house advertised on the sidebar. I wasn't actually looking at property, but something about it entranced me. It was the picture-perfect cottage of my dreams.

I clicked on the links and did some more research into location; a little boating town on the Devonshire Coast so perfect it was as if it had been picked just for me. I was determined to not overthink things, so I made a call to arrange a viewing and booked myself a hotel room and a train ticket for the following day.

I hadn't even really unpacked, so I began to toss the few items I had lying around the room back into my suitcase. It was the first night I hadn't cried myself to sleep, and I knew it was progress.

.

~AMM~

.

The next day I was off through the rolling countryside, the different coloured fields parcelled between hedgerows under a sky of forget-me-not blue. I was too enraptured by the passing scenery to even focus on the book I had in front of me, and before I knew it, the three hour trip was coming to an end.

I still had some time before my viewing late that afternoon, so I took a taxi to my hotel on the seafront. I was keen to explore the town. According to a little brochure I picked up from the hotel lobby, Salcombe in the South West of England was a waterside haven with some 2,000 residents. The town was in walking distance, but I soon discovered the terrain was extremely hilly; thankfully, a small ferry service from the harbour to the beaches and back was offered as an alternative.

Once in the town itself, I began to explore the vibrant labyrinth of narrow streets and alleyways, noticing the quaint little shops and stopping for some lunch outside a café by the harbour.

It felt like home in a way nowhere ever had before, not even New York. As I stared out at the open water of the estuary, it was hard to believe these two places could even exist in the same universe.

When it came to the viewing, my house, yes I can say 'my', didn't let me down. Collaton Cottage was more beautiful than the pictures had shown. The magnolia thatched abode was complete with a stable door, opening into the cosy living room, with the original low ceiling beams, cob walls, and a wood burning stove. It was a perfectly modernised three bedroom cottage, with a stunning stone-floored kitchen that housed hand-built oak units and granite worktops. The bedrooms, with their cosy sloping ceilings had adorable low-set windows that looked out over the harbour and the surrounding countryside. It even came with its own barn.

Needless to say, the decision was easy. Whether it would be a holiday home or my permanent home, I knew it was meant to be mine.

.

**EPOV**

.

I sat in the waiting room again, fidgeting with the chain around my neck as always. Therapy with Jasper was going well; I had had three sessions now, and for each, I wrote a letter to Bella that went unsent. We would talk about the issues that came up, the feelings evoked from writing them. Now that a light was being shone on my emotions, I could see how easy it would be to fall down a rabbit hole.

I won't lie; my heart ached for Bella every second of the day. I knew she was safe and sound, although I hadn't heard from her again, and I didn't expect to. She was still in London as far as I knew, but she was looking to move somewhere quieter, according to what she told my mother.

The door to Jasper's office opened, and he gestured for me to come in.

"Edward, good to see you," he said. "Please take a seat."

I sat in my usual chair, pouring myself some iced water from the jug.

"So, how are you?" Jasper asked, smiling kindly opposite me.

I shrugged. "Surviving. I feel like I'm heading in the right direction; I guess I'm beginning to feel there might be hope, but I still feel like shit most the time."

"There is no miracle cure, unfortunately," he said. "But the fact hope is beginning to appear, even if it is just on the horizon, is a positive sign. Have you written another letter for us to discuss?"

"Yeah," I replied, pulling the envelope from the folder I had brought with me. The past two sessions I had shared my unsent letters; if I wanted to get better, I needed to be completely open.

"Do you want to read it aloud, Edward?"

I nodded, and cleared my throat.

_My dearest Bella,_

_Again, I don't know if this will ever get sent. The good news is therapy is going well; I hope to make myself a better man, a man who deserves you._

_I still lie awake at night and wonder if you're okay, if you're happy, if you're eating right. I'm trying hard for you; I know you wouldn't want me to just give up; you've got such a big heart. I miss you, my sweet girl; I miss you so much. _

_I look back on the last year together, and I can see where I went wrong in every instance. When you didn't let me in, I should have fought harder. I should have sat down with you and told you how I felt, right or wrong, every time you jetted off for another shoot instead of doing something we had planned. I would tell myself it was better to bury my feelings so as not to hurt yours, but look where that got us in the long run. They made me bitter and jealous, and like the fool I was, I found it easier to talk to someone else. I fell into a trap._

_I should have known where to draw the line with Riley; I knew it was inappropriate, yet I didn't stop it. It is my fault I was emotionally absent, that I pushed you away. I buried my head in the sand and hoped we were just going through a bad patch. I didn't see I was playing with fire; I took for granted that we would get through it, with no work on my part. It was a very egocentric, conceited way of thinking; I see that now. _

_Writing this all down, I expected to feel angry at myself, and believe me, I do… but the sadness I feel outweighs it. Realising these things now is too little, too late. I wish I had opened my eyes long before. I'm sad because there were so many times I could have said something different, done something different. All I can do now is work on myself, and pray you come back to me to give me one last chance. I love you with everything I am._

_Yours Eternally,_

_Edward_

I put the letter down and wiped a few stray tears.

"That's very good, Edward," Jasper said approvingly. "It takes guts to admit when we are wrong and to want to rectify our mistakes. You say you felt sad and angry writing that; did you feel anything else?"

"Guilt," I said. "It fucking eats me up every minute of the day."

"Guilt is a natural reaction in a situation like this; however, after encouraging us to make amends, it is not helpful. I often say it's a pointless emotion; continual guilt serves no purpose but to bring us down. You need to learn to let it go; accept where you are culpable, admit your mistakes to those you have wronged, but try to move past it. Guilt can consume you if you let it."

I nodded.

"There are a lot of interesting points in that letter, Edward," Jasper said. "You said you pushed Bella away. Why?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes, I think it's very important."

"I was scared, okay?" I said fiercely. "I was so scared she would think I was pathetic for feeling the way I did, for being needy, scared she would think …" I stopped.

"Scared she would think …?"

"I was afraid she would think I was less of a man," I said thickly.

"Did Bella ever give any indication she felt that way?"

"No …"

"Often, we project onto others feelings we have about ourselves. Everything filters through our own eyes, and if we view ourselves in a negative light, we instinctively believe that is others' perception as well." He smiled. "Why were you afraid she would think you less of a man?"

"She was the high-flyer, the highest earner, the star," I said. "Not that I wanted that, but I saw how self-assured she could be, and it made me feel insecure. She was absent, and in return, I guess I did the same thing emotionally. I didn't feel like I was enough … I know it sounds chauvinistic, but I can't help it."

"So you turned to someone else for the validation you felt you didn't get from your wife," he said, and I nodded at his succinct conclusion. "This issue of not being 'man' enough seems to run deep, Edward. Do you remember when you started feeling this way?"

"Before Bella," I said. "I guess when I discovered my sexuality … I guess I wasn't as comfortable with it as I thought. I was brought up in an accepting household, but being bisexual or gay wasn't common in the social circles our family moved in."

"It sounds like you are still coming to terms with your sexuality," Jasper said. "You seem to have spent your life pleasing people; you were an honour student, you got into Ivy League, you conformed to 'the norms'-" He used air quotes, "- of the society you knew. See if this rings true: you fell in love with a woman, but instead of accepting the fact it is okay to find other people, of both sexes, attractive, you buried those feelings for a long time. You weren't accepting yourself as a whole, you felt your wife wasn't accepting you either by not taking your feelings into consideration with her absences, so you found comfort in someone, who on the surface, seemed to accept that part of you. Again, we project our own issues onto other people. Often it is all in our own minds."

I sat there, astounded. How had he managed to get inside my mind so completely and sum up what I couldn't even articulate?

"I'm going to play Devil's Advocate, Edward," Jasper said. "How will you feel when Bella begins to lose her looks? How will you feel in another year, or two, when you haven't been with a man?"

I growled. "It's not like that! I love _Bella; _her heart, her mind and her soul are what make her beautiful, what make me love her. As for the man issue, you've helped me realise it was never about that … sure, there are aspects I won't experience, but there are more things we could do in the bedroom … I _thought _I was missing it, but what I was really lacking was the comfort. I convinced myself it was my desire for the male form, because that was easier to process."

Jasper smiled satisfactorily. "I do believe that's where we'll leave it. Well done, Edward."

Session four was complete, and I knew things were moving in the right direction.

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**Ok folks, listen, I am not a therapist. This is fiction. Some of you feel for Edward, while some think he'll always crave a man, but this is a story, and I am letting him follow this path I believe to be true for him.**

**Please review, but please don't flame. :)**


	26. Chapter 25

**I know some people are going to be angry with this chap, but Bella needs to own her part too IMO. Thanks to you wonderful reviewers! **

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**Chapter 25**

**BPOV**

It didn't take me long to move in to my new cottage; I didn't come with a lot of stuff, after all. I picked beautiful new furniture from eclectic, bijoux stores in town, making my home my own safe haven. I put photos of Emmett, Rose and Luka on the mantelpiece in hand-crafted seashell frames, along with one of my father, and one of Alice, Carlisle and Esme. The photos I had of Edward stayed in the albums, tucked in my bottom dresser drawer. I couldn't bring myself to part with them, and every night I would creep out of bed, change into his t-shirt, steal a picture from the drawer and drift off, sometimes with good memories, sometimes feeling the pain, but not trying to fight it either way. The waves calmed me when I cried, and I loved waking up to the sound of seagulls flying overhead. The tranquillity reminded me of Forks, and I laughed at the irony.

Today I had been here three months, and the November breeze coming off the sea was chilly as I walked. The smell of the brine and the sound of the waves against the sand were like a balm to my wounds. As I turned off the lane, I headed down to the stone cottage I had been visiting recently for another step in the healing process: therapy.

Dr. Irina Clark was a middle-aged woman with a white-blonde, straight bob and black, thick-framed glasses. I had found her through the local doctor's office, and I made an appointment after reading through her credentials online. She ran her sessions from an annex in her own cottage across the other side of town, and the atmosphere was very relaxed; we would sit in big comfy armchairs either side of an original fireplace.

I knocked on the side door and heard the sound of footsteps coming closer.

"Bella, lovely to see you," Irina greeted as she opened the door. "Please come in."

I followed her into the comfy little sitting room and took my seat in the usual chair, making small talk with her while she poured us both some water.

"So, how have you been?" she asked.

"Better. Good days and bad days. I miss my family and friends, but we Skype a lot. Emmett, Rose and Luka are coming out for Christmas."

"That will be lovely, I'm sure," she said warmly. "Now we've talked about your life growing up and your work life, but I think it's time we look at the heart of the matter," Irina said. "How did your husband's infidelity make you feel?"

"It broke me," I said quietly, reaching for a tissue. "I've never hurt so much in my life. I felt everything … it's hard to describe. I felt betrayed, heartbroken … then I was angry, not just at him but at myself."

"Why were you angry at yourself?"

I shrugged. "Lots of reasons … I tried to hate him, but I couldn't stop loving him despite what he had done to me. I felt that made me weak. I was angry at myself for not being enough for him, for …"

"For?"

"For making him turn his attentions to someone else." I sniffled quietly into the tissue.

"You are carrying a lot of the blame for his actions, Bella. No one person is ever entirely to blame for the breakdown of a marriage, and we need to own what we are responsible for but not shoulder unnecessary blame. You didn't make him do anything, Bella, and that is probably quite hard to accept; it means his actions were of his own will. That said, it doesn't mean there is no hope for you as a couple."

I nodded.

"But let's keep the focus on you for now. You said it made you feel weak," Irina continued. "Why does it make you weak to love someone even when they hurt you?"

"Because logically, I know I should tell him to fuck off and have more respect for myself."

"And why does respecting yourself mean telling him to 'fuck off'?"

"Because he made a fool of me!" I exclaimed. "He betrayed me, and made a mockery of our marriage!"

"Isn't showing respect for oneself more about being accepting of our feelings? Telling yourself what you are feeling is wrong, is being disrespectful. There is no right or wrong way to feel, Bella. Emotions just _are."_

I took in her words as I sipped some water.

"Let's look at this idea of weakness again," Irina said. "Doesn't loving someone _in spite_ of their actions make you strong?" she asked. "Consider it. I'm not saying to forgive and forget as if nothing has ever happened, but loving, and thus making yourself vulnerable, despite your experiences, doesn't equal weakness. It takes a strong woman to consider taking a man back, just as it does to know when enough is enough. Each situation is different, but it does not make you weak."

I almost breathed a sigh of relief at her words, and I dabbed away a few stray tears.

We talked more about Edward's infidelity and my feelings towards it; she really was helping me to see I wasn't to blame for that. It would take time to sink in, but I knew I was beginning to accept it.

"Bella, what do you think your part was in your marital problems, putting the cheating aside for a moment?"

I was glad I'd been prepared for this question. "I didn't talk to him," I said. "Despite what was going on with him, as my husband he had a right to know what was going on, how I was feeling. Instead, I just kept quiet and hoped things would get better. I guess for a long while I stopped making an effort … by the time I faced up to my fears, it was too late …"

"What fears are they, Bella?"

"I was scared what would come out if I spoke to him. I thought it would make it worse, but really I was scared he would tell me he wasn't happy and wanted to leave me …" I cried softly.

"Why would he have done that, Bella?"

"Because people always leave me!" I exclaimed. "My mother left me when I was a baby, my brother flew to the other side of the country as soon as he had the chance, even my father left me …" I was sobbing now, and Irina came forward sympathetically, handing me another tissue.

When I had calmed down, she sat back and smiled in satisfaction. "You've acknowledged your biggest fear, Bella: abandonment. You were so scared Edward might leave you that you tried to push him away before he had the chance, throwing yourself into work and ignoring the problems. Here we can tackle that fear." The timer went off, and she smiled at me. "I'd say that's a good place to leave it for today."

.

~AMM~

.

After my session, I followed one of my favourite routines; walking across the clifftops, taking in the exquisite views of the countryside and out over the waves. I would follow the footpaths, my hands now shoved into my coat pockets against the chill of the breeze, down the slopes to one of the beaches and sit on the sand or the smooth rocks, the salty sea spray landing on my cheeks. Sometimes I couldn't tell whether the salt was from that or tears, but I didn't always cry; I took pictures, I read, I listened to music, I brought my journal and wrote.

Some days I would take the ferry into town and sit in a typically English pub for some lunch and a pint, or I would spend hours in a bookstore thumbing through their unique collection. It may have only been three months, but I already knew a lot of the locals. It was one of those places where people stopped and asked each other how they were; they took a genuine interest in what you had to tell them. No one seemed bothered by the fact I was a world famous model. In fact, I doubted some even knew, and I loved that. Life in New York was fast becoming a distant memory, apart from the people, of course. They were very much still in my heart and my thoughts.

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**EPOV**

.

It had been three months since Bella left. I looked at the date every morning, noting another day passing, another day without seeing her or touching her or hearing her sweet voice. But each day was another step forward, even if sometimes they meant two steps back.

I had been unable to go back to live in the apartment, and I had just accepted an offer last week. Esme and Alice helped me pack everything up, and I moved back with my parents, leaving the place empty. In my mind, it had been empty since Bella left it.

The anti-depressant Carlisle put me on had begun to get into my system, and I felt a little brighter. Nothing major, but it was a step forward. I still missed Bella more than anything, but instead of giving into the misery, I tried to be an active participant in daily life. I made sure I ate properly, I talked more to my parents, and I went for a long run every morning to try and expunge myself of the residing anger.

I was progressing in therapy. I was tackling my insecurities, my feelings of unworthiness, of being a failure and a bad person. I was trying to come to terms with my actions, my mistakes, but not let the guilt stop me from moving forward in life. Living in a world full of regret was a toxic place to be, and no good could come of it for anyone.

My catharsis came in the form of writing and music. I kept writing unsent letters to Bella, pouring my heart and soul out to her. Sometimes I simply begged her forgiveness or focused on where we went wrong, other times I recalled fond memories and confided my dreams for the future. I was a bit rusty at playing the guitar, but it soon came back. I played songs that came from the heart, songs that let out whatever emotion I was feeling at the time. I even began composing songs myself.

I surrounded my bedroom with pictures of Bella and me. Maybe it was masochistic, but while it hurt, it also reminded me to keep going. With every step forward, I hoped Bella would be proud. I was doing this for her, for me, for us. I hoped she was finding the peace and the answers she needed as well. I would leave the ball in her court, hoping that when the time came, we would be ready to move forward together. The only thing I sent her was a birthday card with a bouquet of flowers signed with my eternal love. She needed to know she was always in my thoughts. I've said before, I would wait a lifetime for her, and then some.

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**** I am NOT saying it makes a woman weak if she doesn't take a man back, okay? So please, no flames****


	27. Chapter 26

**Thank you for your reviews!**

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**Chapter 27**

**BPOV**

They say time heals all wounds … I don't agree with that. I believe it requires more than time, and the wounds don't disappear in a month, or a year, or even more … if they ever do. It requires work to give you a better way of dealing with the wounds, to help stitch yourself back together. No one can do it for you.

I had contacted my lawyers and cancelled divorce proceedings, but the only contact I had with Edward personally was a bouquet of flowers and a card on my birthday. He didn't beg or guilt or probe me, he simply told me he loved me and wished me a happy day. I knew he had left his job and was back living with his parents. I was pleased he seemed to be taking the time for himself as well. The sale of the apartment had gone through, and I felt a little lighter, knowing however things turned out, that place full of bad memories was gone.

In December I applied for a permanent visa. That didn't mean I would live here all year round, but certainly for half of it. There was too much up in the air to think about what was to come, so I settled in the here and now.

Christmas with Emmett, Rose and Luka was two weeks of heart-warming fun. I took them up to London for a couple of days of sightseeing, the excitement of the festive build-up in the air, and we took Luka to a Chelsea vs. Manchester United soccer match, just like I'd promised. Back in Salcombe, we did all the usual holiday traditions; got a tree and decorated it, and I held my nephew up so he could put the star on top. We baked cookies, while Emmett tried to eat the mixture, listened to festive music and sat by the fire. My wedding anniversary was tough, and I thought of Edward all day, but having them there helped get me through.

Alice and Angela visited me in February; we enjoyed pampering at the luxury spa nearby and went shopping in town, where Alice squealed at the finds in quaint little boutiques. We ate and we drank in restaurants and pubs, or stayed in and cooked a meal together, ending up staying awake 'til the early hours talking and laughing. Saying goodbye to them at the airport was another teary farewell.

Still, I never regretted the move. I had friends here. The owner of the bookstore, Maggie, was a curly-haired Irish woman, a few years older than me. We bonded over our love of literature, and sometimes I would help out in the store. We would often go to a pub on a weekend and meet with other friends; Maggie's boyfriend, Liam, Emily, her husband Sam, Tia, Carmen, and Alistair.

I continued to see Irina and began working on my fears and insecurities, both those that had arisen since Edward's infidelity, and those that had lain dormant for so long. I may have been a model with looks and money, but that didn't mean I was any different to anyone else inside. I still had doubts and fears and issues to overcome. Gradually I began to differentiate between what I was responsible for and what I wasn't. It wasn't my fault my mother left me; I was just a baby. My brother didn't move to New York because of me. My dad dying was a tragic end to a life well lived. I wasn't unlovable or forgettable.

My husband cheating on me wasn't my fault. He was an adult capable of making his own decisions, but I admitted I didn't make the situation any better by not talking to him, just like he didn't talk to me. We were both at fault, and we both took the other for granted. We didn't realise a marriage actually required work.

It was April when Irina brought up dating. Looking back, I wonder if she'd predicted my reaction beforehand. I decided to test myself and go for a drink with Alistair. I needed to see how it felt. He was handsome, funny, smart, and charming, but my mind was screaming 'this is wrong!', and I had to get out of there. Fortunately, he was understanding and was happy to just stay friends.

I realised it was okay to want to remain married to Edward. I remembered all the sessions with Irina; it did not make me weak to love someone who had hurt me. It made me strong to want to move past it, to bear the hurt, to heal, and move forward in the right way for me. That night I cried myself to sleep for the first time in weeks, and this time it was simply because I missed him so much … and that was okay. I was allowed to miss him. It didn't make me a fool or a doormat.

Still, I didn't feel ready to contact him. I wasn't quite there yet.

June was the hardest, and it brought a new issue in therapy. Edward's birthday was the day he cheated. How do you move past something like that? I certainly didn't have the answer, but I wanted to try. It was _time _to try. Irina said I should write a letter to him; make a start by opening contact. Edward had honoured my wish for time and space, and I respected that. _He _had respected _me._

So here I sat on the beach under the glorious summer sunshine, my pad of paper resting on my bare knees. Families surrounded me as they played and relaxed and paddled. I wanted that. I had a choice; I could remain bitter and cold and heartless because I was betrayed, or I could take the power back and do what I wanted. I _felt _empowered; I didn't feel pathetic or weak, like I was crawling back to him. It was my choice.

.

**EPOV**

.

I was finally back in the land of the living. My family were stoic in their support of me, and they helped me get through every holiday and anniversary without Bella by my side. In January, I began volunteering with my mother at the children's ward of the local hospital. We read them stories and did artwork, played and generally gave the parents a break. We were there for them to talk to, as well. The children were inspirational; they showed so much courage and cheer, and faced life without fear despite their illnesses. Some days when I was down, all I had to do was look at them and learn by example.

A big surprise in February was a call from Emmett. He apologised for hitting me, even though he thought I deserved it, and more. Luka had been asking for me; I loved that little boy, and I was thrilled when Emmett invited me to go see him. Rose was a different story; it took months before she even stayed in my presence when I would visit.

It wasn't easy, and the month of June had sent me reeling back into my depression. Jasper helped me, and going through that painful anniversary, I felt the weight around my neck begin to lessen. If Bella came back to me, I would be no use with my head hung low.

That didn't mean to say I was forgiving myself. I found that immensely hard, a concept I couldn't quite yet grasp. It wasn't just the cheating; it was the months of distance, the lack of communication, the lusting over someone else and not seeing the danger. I was guilty for many, many sins, but I was trying to find absolution.

I knew Bella was doing well, but my family didn't gossip about her. I didn't probe; if she wanted me to know something, she would tell me. I had to trust in her if I expected her to trust in me ever again, and I did have the uttermost faith in her.

Never once did my mind stray to someone else. I had needs, naturally, but I had no desire for anybody but Bella. It reaffirmed my belief that while I would always find both females and males attractive, I didn't need a man to make me happy. There was nothing in this world worse than the pain I had experienced since losing Bella. I spent weeks wallowing over the fact it took my infidelity to make me realise this, but Jasper made me see how truly unresolved I had been over my sexuality and helped me come to terms with it.

In the early days of July, I got a letter. My heart skipped two beats as I recognised Bella's handwriting, ripping it open in my haste.

_Dear Edward,_

_They say you have to go through an entire year without someone to heal and grieve for what you have lost, experience everything without them. Birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries. Our wedding anniversary was really tough. Em, Rose and Luka came out here for Christmas, so I wasn't alone for it, at least not in body anyway._

_I love it here. It's a beautiful town on the south coast, lovely and peaceful. I find it has helped centre me. I have friends here, and it's an easy place to live; such a different pace of life to what I was used to. Things are so much simpler._

_A month after I arrived, I began seeing a therapist. She has helped me make many discoveries about myself, and about us. While nothing will ever excuse what you did, I have realised I played a part in the disintegration of our marriage, and I own up to that. That said, I have also realised I was not to blame for your infidelity._

_I always ask Alice or your parents how you are, but I don't know if they tell me the whole truth. Maybe that's a good thing, because I needed to focus on myself. I had a lot of issues lurking beneath the surface, and I finally feel lighter. Nothing is perfect; there are good days and bad days, but I'm not carrying around a weight I've had for all my life._

_So why, almost a year since I left, do I still feel something is missing? Simply, because it is. I miss you. As I stare out at the crashing blue waves under the summer sunshine, I wish I could share it with you. It's been too long since I've seen your face, touched your skin, and smelled your scent. I still have a t-shirt I took from you, but I had to wash it long ago because I slept in it every night. I cried the day your clean, masculine smell turned to lavender and camomile._

_I don't know if you're in a good place right now, but on my part, I'm ready to talk. My number is at the bottom of the page. There is so much that needs to be said._

_I want to see if there is anything to salvage between us. I hope there is ... I think there is._

_Bella_

I re-read the letter, and entered the number she had written in my phone. I checked the time; it would be 2:00 PM in England. Suddenly, I was _nervous. _I'd been waiting for this for months, and here I was a nervous wreck.

I hit 'call' and listened to it ring, my heart thrumming in my ears.

I was met by the sweetest voice. "_Hello?"_

I choked up for a second, my eyes clouding with tears of joy and relief, and my lips curving up in a smile. "It's me, love."

* * *

**So contact has been re-established. I know everyone has their own opinions, but this fic is about cheating and yes it's HEA. It's got to the point now when I'm nervous about posting because I know there will be flames waiting in my inbox. Sigh. **


	28. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27**

**EPOV**

"It's me, love."

_"Edward,"_ Bella breathed, her voice a mixture of surprise, joy, hope and anxiety all rolled into one.

"Is this a good time?" I asked tentatively.

"_Yes, it's perfect. I just finished putting the shopping away._ _How are you?"_

"I'm okay," I said honestly. "Good days and bad days, but okay on the whole. How are you?"

_"The same,"_ she replied.

We were silent for a moment. "I got your letter," I said, just in case she hadn't guessed. "Did you just want to talk generally or is there anything … specific?" I didn't want to get my hopes up … I couldn't bear the fall.

"_I think we need to talk, _really _talk, and I don't think we can do that over the phone. I'm not asking you to drop everything, but would you consider coming out here for a vacation?"_

My initial thought was: how quickly can I get to the airport? I was seriously about to take the stairs two at a time to start packing, until I realised I needed to slow it down. It had to be at Bella's pace, always her pace.

_"Edward? I'm sorry," _she choked out, "_I shouldn't have assumed, I just thought you wanted-"_

"Bella!" I cut her off. "Calm down, love. Of course I want to come and see you! God, I was about to start packing my case!"

She giggled softly.

"Then I realised we had to take this at your pace."

"_No, Edward. Not my pace, it's got to be _our _pace. We both need to communicate and find a compromise if ... if we want things to move forward._"

I nodded fervently. "That sounds very sensible."

_"So … when are you thinking?"_

"If it was just about me, I'd be on that first plane out. But it's also about you, about us … if truth be told, I could use a session with my therapist before I leave."

"_You've changed," _she said. She sounded surprised and almost … proud?

"I'm still me, I just … have a better view on things." I smiled. "When is a good time for you, Bella?"

_"How's next week?"_

I couldn't help but beam. "That sounds perfect, love."

.

~AMM~

.

I spent the next week getting ready. Jasper was pleased and encouraging when I told him I was going to England at Bella's request. We worked on issues that would be likely to arise; these weeks wouldn't be a stroll in the park. We would be talking about deep, painful issues, bringing out high emotion. We would have to be totally honest with each other and bare our souls.

My parents were thrilled, though they tried to hide the level of their enthusiasm; they knew there were no guarantees. Alice got teary, throwing her arms around me. Just the fact there was an inkling of hope made her overjoyed; for me, for Bella, for us.

I felt guilty I was leaving the children's ward in the lurch, but they said I deserved a break since I hadn't had a vacation in all the time I'd been volunteering.

Bella and I spoke every day; we didn't talk about anything big, but the conversation wasn't awkward. We talked about music and things she missed in America, things she loved in England that she was looking forward to showing me, all the different words she'd had to get used to. And when she talked, I listened. Even if it was about the most trivial detail, to me it was riveting. It felt like I was getting to know her all over again, while at the same time having that feeling of familiarity.

At the end of every conversation, I always told her I loved her. I never expected to hear it back, but I wouldn't hide my feelings. I would not hide anything from her ever again.

.

~AMM~

.

The following Tuesday afternoon, my father drove me to the airport. My 8:00 PM flight would get me into London at roughly 9:00 AM local time, and then I had a train to catch. Bella and I both thought it best to meet in her town of Salcombe when I had checked into my hotel, rather than meet at the airport and have a three hour journey with no possible means of escape if things got uncomfortable or awkward.

As I boarded my flight, I was a bundle of excitement and nerves, but I managed to calm myself after a couple of hours and a couple of beers, just enough to get me to sleep. I was surprised when I was woken by a flight attendant telling me we would soon be landing. My body protested at being woken at what felt like the middle of the night.

From Heathrow, I caught a train to London Paddington Station, and from there, I boarded the train to Plymouth. Salcombe was not the easiest of places to get to from the States, but for Bella, I would walk through fire.

The English countryside was captivating on this surprisingly hot day, the lush greenery a stark contrast to the concrete streets of New York. As the train finally came to a halt, I got to my feet and went to pull my case from the luggage rack, my messenger bag slung over one shoulder. The doors opened, and I descended from the carriage, looking around for the sign for taxis. I had just begun walking in the direction of the exit when suddenly, I felt her.

It was that intuitive sense of knowing when she was near, and my eyes sought her. A little bit further down the platform, there she was ... her lustrous, mahogany hair cascading freely over her shoulders. Dressed in denim cut-offs, a vest top and flip-flops, she had never looked more gorgeous. Her curves were simply mouth-watering, like they were just made for my hands. I tried to shake off my lustful thoughts.

It was hard to put into words, but she looked like herself, in a way she never had before. She looked comfortable in her own skin. She no longer bore the signs of torment; she looked healthy and more beautiful than I had ever seen her, if that were possible.

Her eyes met mine as I slowed my pace, and they no longer looked tortured or hollow; they were full of life. We stared at each other for a long, hard moment, and suddenly, I couldn't help myself; I took the last few strides toward her and pulled her into a tight embrace. She didn't protest, she moulded into me, and never before had I felt so at peace. I felt a few tears fall against my neck, and I kissed the top of her head. "I've missed you, love," I whispered.

It was with great reluctance that I released her, but I didn't want to make her uncomfortable; I would follow her lead. Her smile was warm and her eyes alight as she appraised me again.

"You look good, Edward," she said.

"So do you, Bella. England suits you."

She laughed. It was the most beautiful sound, and it warmed my heart to hear it. "Come on, let's get going."

I fell into step beside her, walking down the exit ramp. "Did you drive?"

"Yep. I'm used to driving on the left now."

"What car do you have?"

"Range Rover Evoque," she said proudly. "It's my baby. You need a car around here 'cause Salcombe is pretty small; sometimes you need to go to the bigger towns nearby."

We made our way to the parking lot and over to Bella's SUV; it was a beautifully stylish, compact silver model. Bella giggled as I automatically walked to the right hand side. "Unless you plan on driving, you better swap sides."

I shook my head to clear the confusion. "Jet lag and strange British customs are messing with my head," I said.

She smiled. "Hop in."

.

BPOV

.

I won't lie; I almost chickened out of going to pick Edward up. Not that he was expecting me, but I thought it was a nice gesture; he had flown in and gotten the train from London, so it was the least I could do.

He was still as handsome as I remembered, but he looked more mature. His hair was a little shorter, but what struck me most were his eyes. They were no longer dull and flat like the last time I saw him; they had regained some of their sparkle. They were wise and told a story; that of a man who has been to Hell and has found a way back.

We both seemed to reach for the other at the same time, and I couldn't help the few tears that fell from my eyes; not tears of sadness, but of hope, relief, and happiness.

The journey back to Salcombe was comfortable and light-hearted. I think we were just so pleased to see each other that despite both knowing difficult discussions lay on the horizon, the conversation remained relatively relaxed. We spoke about his flight, about everyone back in the States. I knew Emmett had let Edward see Luka, and it gave me hope for their relationship. Rose, however, was a different matter.

I dropped Edward at his beachfront hotel, giving him time to get checked in and nap. I told him I would meet him on the beach at 5:00 PM, and we could go get a drink and then something to eat. I thought it was a good idea to give us both some time to clear our heads and not crowd the other.

I drove the short distance home to drop off the car and centre myself. It was a hot, sticky day, so I needed to shower and change. I wasn't trying to impress him per se, but I wanted to make an effort. After my cool shower, I threw on a pastel blue sundress and tied my hair up, letting the air cool the nape of my neck. A dab of mascara and lip balm were all I added to my face, which had colour to it from all the time I now spent outdoors.

I wended my way down the lane, and five minutes later, I was approaching the bustling beach. I covered myself in sunscreen and walked across the sand to the water's edge, slipping my flip-flops off and letting the cool waves run over my feet.

Dead on 4:00 PM, Edward came to join me, changed now into short cargo pants and a t-shirt, his hair still damp from the shower and Ray Bans perched on the bridge of his nose. It would be a lie to say he didn't look divine, but I pushed my unhelpful stirrings aside.

"Everything okay?" I asked.

"Yeah, the hotel's lovely. This whole place is lovely," he said, gesturing to the view in front of us.

"Isn't it just?"

"You know, you've picked up a British twang," he said, smirking. "It's not too strong, but on certain words you can tell it's there."

"I hadn't noticed," I replied.

We strolled up and down the shore, shoes in hand, which was a good distraction; there was an instinctive part of me that wanted to reach for his hand whenever we walked side by side. Sometimes we fell into silence, but that was okay; we were acclimatising to being in each other's company again.

There was a pub on the beachfront with a beautiful beer garden, perfect for lazy summer evenings like these. We made our way over and found a table with a spectacular view of the beach in front of us.

With a glass of wine for me and a pint of lager for Edward, something he found a great novelty, we soaked up the evening sun and enjoyed just being. We knew difficult conversations lay ahead, but they were not for tonight.

I asked about his work at the children's hospital, and he asked about mine in the bookstore. He spoke like a man who was different, yet still bore all the traits I loved. He listened and seemed genuinely interested in what I had to tell him. His own pace of life seemed to have slowed. He was back to the Edward of old, the Edward I fell in love with, but with all the wisdom only hardship can bring.

Later that evening, as we walked out side by side, we arranged to meet the following afternoon. Again, we both needed our space to make sure we didn't rush into things.

"Can I walk you home?" he asked, his desire to protect me still evident.

"I'll be fine, Edward," I said. I had walked home by myself many times before, but I could see it was important to him to know I was safe. It was little things like that I had somehow forgotten, and it was a pleasure to discover them all over again. Still, I wasn't just rolling over. I had been living by myself for eleven months, and I wasn't about to change entirely to please anyone else, even if it was my husband.

"Edward, if it will make you feel better, I'll take a taxi. I know these guys, and I'll send you a text to let you know I'm home safe."

I was surprised when he acquiesced. We had actually compromised on something; I considered his feelings, and he considered mine.

He waited until the taxi arrived, and reached for my hand. It was the first form of physical contact since this afternoon at the train station. I stared down at our hands for a second and smiled. Again, he didn't push the limits; he just gave my hand a quick squeeze.

"Thank you for inviting me, Bella," he said. "Goodnight."

* * *

**Things aren't fine and dandy, but they're not going to jump straight into the issues right then and there, and there caught up in the excitement of seeing each other after a year.**

**Thank you for your reviews!**


	29. Chapter 28

**Thank you for all your reviews!**

* * *

**Chapter 28**

**EPOV**

The next afternoon, Bella and I caught the ferry across into the quaint little town itself. She told me stories she had learnt from the locals, showed me places she liked to spend time. Even if it was something as inconsequential as where she liked to buy her bread, I was captivated by everything she had to say. She looked so natural and at home here, and it warmed my heart to see it.

Bella didn't have to tell me she planned to stay here; it was written across her face, the way her eyes lit up when she talked passionately about the town. I knew instinctively if Bella wanted to give us another go, I would move in an instant.

Every step we took through the narrow streets, I was hard pressed not to reach out and touch her. I won't lie; my thoughts were not all chaste. I felt like a complete bastard for getting so turned on in her presence. Many a time I had to readjust myself surreptitiously, such was the desire coursing through my body. I wanted to kiss her, caress her, lick every inch of skin on her sinful body, and bring her pleasure and bliss.

As the end of the day approached, we both knew the heavy conversations were coming. I said goodbye to her, putting her in a taxi again, and made my way back to the hotel.

It was 5:00 PM in New York, and I had arranged a Skype session with Jasper. I switched on my iPad and waited for the call.

"_Edward, good to see you," _Jasper said when I answered. "_How's England?"_

"It's good," I said. "It's beautiful here, and it's been amazing spending time with Bella again."

"_How is it going with her?"_

"It's going well. We haven't touched on the big issues yet; we're just enjoying seeing each other. But I think the conversation is coming soon, and I'm fucking scared."

"_What are you afraid of, Edward?"_

"I'm afraid the truth won't be enough, that she'll think my feelings are pathetic."

"Sit with the fear," he said. "This is an essential step in rebuilding your relationship. Explanations work best when they focus on the underlying feelings, without placing blame. This is all part of earning forgiveness; first you have to create understanding, and it seems Bella is at the stage where she is ready to hear it. Be prepared; this will be difficult to hear, but communication is key."

I nodded at his sense.

By the end of the session, I felt more confident, though I was still incredibly tense. After taking a shower, I lay in bed, unable to sleep properly. I tossed and turned, feeling like I was hovering just above proper slumber.

At 5:00 AM, I decided to give up on finding sleep. Bella and I needed this conversation, but it didn't make it any easier. I was just slipping out of bed when my phone rang.

"Bella?"

"_I'm sorry to ring you so early ... shit, you were probably asleep, I'm sorry. I'll call later-"_

"No, no, it's fine," I said. "I couldn't sleep either."

"_We need to talk, don't we?"_

I breathed deeply. "Yes, we do. Do you want to meet?"

"_On the beach in an hour?"_

"I'll see you then."

.

~AMM~

.

It was a mild, overcast morning, and the beach was almost empty at this early hour. The only noises were the squawking of seagulls and the waves crashing onto the shore. As I walked down onto the sand, I saw Bella, in khaki capris and a t-shirt, laying a blanket down, her hair blowing in the light breeze.

My stomach was tying itself in knots as I approached, and Bella looked equally nervous. Bearing our souls like this was vital, but it was the ultimate leap of faith for me, to show the ugliness of my character and pray she would stay.

"Hi," I said.

"Hi." She sat down, cross-legged on the blanket, and I mimicked her pose, facing her. "Do you see us working, Edward?" she asked after a moment.

"For my part, I do," I said honestly. "I think we still have a lot of work to do, but … I know how much I love you, and how willing I am to put the effort in."

"I guess this is the first step, huh?"

"No, love; we've already taken the first."

She smiled softly. "Maybe we should start by telling each other how we felt … you know, before it happened."

"Do you want to go first, or me?"

"Can I?" she asked. "If I don't, I might lose my nerve."

I nodded. "Of course."

"I was scared to tell you how I felt about my job," she said, looking at me as if I would interrupt her. When I didn't, she continued. "I was miserable living in hotel rooms, tired of feeling like a doll for people to move and adjust and dress up. It wasn't fun anymore, but I knew how much you had supported me for years, how proud you were of me, at the start at least … it seemed ungrateful to tell you how unhappy I was. I see that was wrong now."

She paused to collect herself.

"I gave up trying, making an effort with you, for you," she said. "You were my husband, and you deserved attention, too, not just when things were heading for disaster. When I eventually did make the effort, I think it was already too late."

"Can I ask something?"

She nodded.

"Why didn't you tell me, love? If I had known …" I shook my head at the thought.

"I didn't tell you, didn't let you in, because I was scared," she said. "I was scared you would see me for who I truly was; see me as weak, not the woman you fell in love with. I pushed you away before you could leave me. It was safer to stay in that toxic atmosphere, but still have you, than to risk you seeing the flaws and the cracks inside me, and have you leave. I realise now I had a lot of abandonment issues that started in childhood."

I wanted to tell her that was crazy, that she was perfect … but that wasn't what this was about. It was about listening and accepting what she had to say, respecting how she felt, not trying to make her feel better by inadvertently belittling her fears.

"Can you tell me how you felt when I started becoming distant?" I asked tentatively.

She nodded, a tear slipping down her cheek. "I felt so hurt every time you pushed me away," she cried. "I missed my best friend, as well as my husband. Everything was slipping through my fingers, and I didn't know how to stop it. Stupidly, I just threw myself into work more, thinking things would get better by themselves."

"I'm also guilty of burying my head in the sand," I said. "I took you for granted, our relationship for granted; I assumed we were indestructible. We needed help in our marriage, but I refused to see it. I thought if I brought the issues up, you'd tell me you wanted to leave … and I couldn't bear that."

"Is your therapist helping you a lot?" she asked.

"Yes, I don't know how I would have coped otherwise. I don't know what Alice or anyone has told you, but I slipped into depression after you left. I knew it wasn't helpful or productive, but it was like … like I was in darkness. I couldn't pull myself out of it."

"I'm glad you sought help," she said. "Can you tell me how you felt … before?"

I thought for a minute, wondering where to begin. "I was jealous," I said. "I felt like every man got to see what only I should see. The shoots were getting racier, and I hated it. I only told you that in arguments; I should have discussed it with you, not shouted it."

She looked on, her face unreadable.

"I felt emasculated," I went on. "You didn't need me, it seemed. I should have told you that, but I kept it inside because I was afraid you would see me as less of a man. I've been dealing with those kinds of issues, and dealing with my sexuality …"

"Is that … is that why you wouldn't make love to me?"

I ran a hand through my hair. "I wouldn't, and in the end, couldn't make love to you, because I felt guilty for fancying someone. I know now it's natural to find other people attractive; it's knowing when to draw the line."

She was silent for a long moment, tears in her eyes.

"Edward, we need to talk about the fact you cheated on me with a man," she finally said. "What happens when you miss a man again?"

"I thought I was missing a man, I truly did, but I see now it was easier to believe that than to look closer and see what I was really doing: seeking comfort in someone, anyone, because I was scared I was losing you, feeling unwanted and neglected … and it ended up being a self-fulfilling prophecy."

I could feel her mental retreat as she shook her head. "I didn't _neglect _you! Sure, I may not have told you everything but I didn't neglect you!"

"Bella, I'm just-"

"Don't!" she exclaimed. "God, I can't … I can't do this, Edward. I thought I could but … I don't think this is going to work."

She picked herself up and fled across the sand as her words reverberated in my ears. It was what I had feared; she would see the true me, and she wouldn't be able to cope with it. I dropped my head into my hands and began sobbing, feeling entirely lost.


	30. Chapter 29

**As you can see, I have updated my name to match my FB name. Sorry for any confusion.**

**Thank you everyone for your reviews and to A Jasper For Me for beta'ing! Longer A/N at bottom.**

* * *

**Chapter 29**

**BPOV**

I ran. I thought I was strong enough to hear it, but all I could do was run from him, hearing his cries grow further away. I felt like everything was closing in around me, despite being out in the open air.

Tears were falling thick and fast as I fumbled with my phone and made an emergency call to Irina. Hearing my distress, she told me to come over straight away, despite the early hour.

She sat me down in one of the plush armchairs, and fetched me a glass of water. Now I was starting to calm, I realised what I had just done. Edward had bared his soul to me, being open and honest, and I had thrown it back in his face. I had left him, alone and vulnerable. The thought made me cry harder.

"Bella, take deep breaths," Irina said, and I followed her advice. "That's good. Now start at the beginning."

"We were talking," I said, "really talking about how we felt in the months before what happened…"

She nodded for me to continue.

"I told him everything, and he listened … then it was his turn." I began crying softly again. "He was telling me … how he felt unwanted and neglected. How he _thought _he was missing being with a man, but realises now it was easier to believe that than see the truth. I got defensive."

"Why?"

"Him telling me those things made me feel like it was my fault…"

"Firstly let's rephrase that sentence; nothing can 'make' us feel something. You felt like it was your fault. Why?"

I huffed. "Because I realise there is an ounce of truth in how he felt, okay? I'm not saying it was all on me; he neglected me just the same, but I closed myself off to him and didn't let him in."

"This is positive, Bella; you're accepting and owning the things you did wrong in your marriage. How did you feel when he told you those things?"

"Like a failure … like he was…"

"Like he was what?"

"Like he was going to leave … what if he ends up feeling like that again in another year? What if we make the same mistakes?"

"There are no guarantees, Bella, but you are working on your marriage now, working on communicating and nurturing you relationship. With time and effort those issues can be overcome." She smiled warmly. "Now, let's look at your fight-or-flight response. How did you leave it?

I thought back at the sound of Edward's cries, and more tears fell. "I just ran … I said I didn't know if this could ever work."

"Needing time and space is okay, but let's look behind the behaviour and your defensive response," Irina said. "You chose to run before he could. It will be uncomfortable listening, but it's important he can tell you how he felt so you can begin to understand. That will help you learn to forgive. It might be a good idea for you to come to a session together."

"What do I do now?" I asked, utterly lost. "I pushed him away…"

"What do you want to do, Bella?"

"I want, no, I _need _to speak to him. He was trying so hard, and I shut him out again."

"Bella, it's okay to make mistakes; it's a learning curve. Don't dwell on them; learn from them."

She was right. I had to go find him.

.

~AMM~

.

After my session with Irina, I went straight to Edward's hotel, olive branch in hand, but I was told he hadn't returned. I was anxious to find him, and as my eyes scanned the beach, I saw my husband's forlorn figure sitting hunched on the blanket where I left him.

I slipped off my shoes and began padding across the fine sand, my heart racing. Summoning my courage, I said tentatively, "Edward?"

He turned his head and his red-rimmed eyes showed a world of pain. I would do anything to take that from him.

"Can I sit down?" I asked. He nodded, and I took a seat beside him, facing out to sea. "I'm sorry I ran," I said. "I got defensive and scared and I just freaked out. You didn't deserve that; you were doing what I asked- being honest- and I didn't react well. I felt like you were blaming me, but I see now I was projecting my own fears onto you."

"Did you mean what you said, Bella?" he asked. "Is there no hope?"

I shook my head. "There is hope, Edward. What I said, I said because I got scared. I saw there was truth in your feelings and it scared the shit out of me. I know it's a lot to ask, but please be patient with me. It's going to be a hard road, but if we're both in it together, we can make it. I appreciate you being honest with me, and I'm sorry if I made you feel like your feelings were invalid."

I was pleased I wasn't running from this. I had had my freak-out, but what mattered was how I dealt with things from here on in.

He turned his head to look at me, his eyes swimming with relief and hope. Tentatively, he lifted his arm and draped it across my shoulders. I sank into his side, breathing in the concentrated smell of his shirt and revelling in the warmth of body contact.

"I understand, Bella," he said. "There are going to be rough times ahead, but if we take it slow, I know we can make it, too. I refuse to just give up like we did before, to give in to fear like we both did."

He kissed the top of my head, and I didn't fight it. I was tired of running from things; there was nothing overtly romantic about the gesture, it was more of reassurance and comfort, and yet it made me feel loved and cherished.

"Where did you go?" he asked.

"I saw Irina."

"Did she help?"

"Yeah… She suggested maybe you and I could both come for a joint session before you leave?"

"I think that sounds like an excellent idea."

"Edward?"

"Yes, Bella?"

"We're ignoring a big problem here."

"What's that?"

"We live halfway across the world from each other. I will be coming back to visit, maybe even staying a few months each year … but this is my home, like New York is yours."

"You're wrong, love. My home is where you are."

"Are you saying…?"

"I'm saying if you want to give this a go, a _real_ go, why don't I apply for a tourist visa- moving here on a trial basis. I'll find somewhere to live and we can work on rebuilding us. Apart from family, I have no ties to New York, and I don't think we can do repair our relationship being so far apart. I want to be here, to do this … but only if it's is what you truly want, Bella."

I smiled slightly. "I want it very much."

.

~AMM~

.

That afternoon, Edward walked me back to my cottage, and I think I surprised him when I took his hand in mine. He seemed just as enchanted by my home as I was. In the days that followed, he would always walk me home, but he never pushed to stay longer.

We went on trips into the countryside and I took him to meet my friends in the pub on Friday night. I even told him about Alistair and the 'date'. I was surprised when he didn't fly into jealous mode. He wasn't trying to stake a claim on me in front of Alistair; he was friendly and chatty, and everyone liked him. Although it wasn't necessary, we did state that we were not to date anyone else from here on in. Not that Edward had, and I believed him.

We spent many afternoons relaxing on the beach enjoying a run of good weather, and I would be a liar if I say I didn't check him out; his body was just as fine as ever. I would catch him looking at me in that lustful, hungry way, and I was pleased to know our urges for the other were still there.

It was the last week of Edward's stay, and tonight he was taking me on a date. A real, proper date. Despite the fact we had been seeing each other every day, this was a big deal for both of us. These past two weeks we had experienced ups and downs, but we were ready to take the next step.

I felt like a teenager again in the thrill of a new romance. I had spent the previous day at a salon in Plymouth, my fingernails and toenails now painted a beautiful mink, my hair trimmed, and being waxed until there wasn't a surplus hair on my body. Not that we would even be getting close to _that _stage yet, but it made me feel confident and sexy.

After a long bubble bath this afternoon, I dried my hair and took curling tongs to my natural waves, adding extra movement. I didn't usually go spend huge amounts on clothes, but I had seen two gorgeous designer dresses and I couldn't choose between them. I tried Alice on Skype, and after clapping her hands in excitement, she sobered up and chose the white, spaghetti-strap babydoll dress, perfect for setting off my sun-kissed skin on a warm summer night like this.

So here I was, with tan cage sandals on my feet, my hair tousled, and my face fresh with just enough make-up to bring out my eyes and make my lips shimmer. I had to admit I looked good. What I noticed most, though, was the life back in my eyes.

When the knock sounded on the door, I forced myself to take a deep breath and count to ten. There Edward stood, in beige slacks, a white shirt and navy blazer. His hair was mussed just the way I like it, reflecting the evening sun, and in his hand he carried a bouquet of almond blossoms and pink and white roses.

I had the pleasure of seeing his mouth drop open, and his eyes darken as he looked at me. "I have no words," he said. "You're always beautiful, but… wow."

"Thank you," I replied. "You look very handsome."

He smiled, and offered me the bouquet. "These are for you."

"They're stunning," I said.

"They represent hope and eternal love."

My smile grew even more; he was so sentimental, and it meant more to me that he picked these flowers for their meaning than if he had bought me a dozen red roses.

After I had put them in water, we began strolling, hand-in-hand, into town, enjoying the evening sunshine across the impressive vista. I didn't know where we were going, and I was excited. Of course, there weren't loads of places to go, but anything Edward had planned would be special.

We stopped in the harbour, looking out over the sparkling water. I was surprised when he carried on walking towards one of the yachts, and as I peeked up at him, I saw that playful smirk I had missed so much.

I looked from him to the boat. "Are we…?"

"I wanted to do something special for you, love," he said. "Would you care to join me dinner on the water?"

"It's perfect," I replied. "It would be a pleasure."

.

~AMM~

.

Dinner on the deck of the relatively small yacht was incredibly romantic. We ate fresh seafood and drank chilled Chablis, as the setting sun turned the water a mixture of orange and dusky pink.

We spent the time looking forward, not back; he asked me what I felt my next steps were, and I told him I wanted to spend some time writing, still help out in the bookstore, and devote time and effort to our marriage. In turn, he told me he wanted to leave law behind him, and take a few months to settle into living here before making any decisions on his next step, possibly volunteering at a hospital, while working on his music.

It was a joy to spend time with him, to laugh, to listen and be listened to.

Afterwards, Edward walked me home and pressed the most of tender of kisses to my forehead, before bidding me goodnight. I went to sleep with the biggest smile on my face.

A few days later, and it was time for Edward to leave. It was an incredibly sad morning, and although I knew he would be back in a month or so, it pained my heart to see him go. It wasn't a pain of dependence; I could look after myself perfectly well and I had friends here. No, it hurt because I _wanted_ to be with him. Things weren't perfect, we still had a mountain to overcome, but we shared a mutual desire to conquer it.

As we got out the car at the train station, Edward reached into his messenger bag and pulled out a thick folder.

"Bella, don't feel you have to read these," he said, "but these are letters I wrote to you in therapy."

"Edward," I gasped, "you don't have to … I mean they're personal…"

"I want to share them with you, love," he said. "There are some things that won't be easy in them, but I hope this can help you, too. Help _us_." He stroked my cheek. "They were written for you; I just wasn't ready to send them, and to be honest, you probably weren't ready to read them."

I carefully took the folder and placed it on the backseat. "Thank you."

We made our way up the ramp and across to his platform. When the announcement of his train approaching came over the tannoy, I grew teary eyed.

"I'll miss you," I said.

"You, too, sweet girl. But I'll be back, and we'll talk all the time."

His eyes flicked to my lips and back to my eyes. I nodded infinitesimally. I didn't care that people would say it was wrong, it was too fast. I simply wanted to kiss him; it had been too long.

He cupped my face, and began lowering his mouth to mine. When it came, his kiss was the lightest of touches, brushing my lips like a feather, slowly pressing with more force as I wound my arms around his neck. I could taste the hope in this kiss; it no longer echoed the sadness deep inside, but reflected the happiness and optimism.

When we broke apart, I was sniffling. "Why do we always kiss goodbye?" I asked, laughing softly in spite of myself.

He smiled as he stroked my cheeks. "Don't worry, love; next time, I'll be kissing you hello."

* * *

**They're giving it a go! As Bella said, things aren't perfect, but if they don't try, they'll never know.**

*****I have a new FB group for my fics called ****_Louise Lewin's Literary Corner_****. Link on my profile, or search for it :) This means AMM group will be closing soon *****


	31. Chapter 30

**Thank you so much for your reviews! And to A Jasper For Me for beta'ing :)**

**Just Edward this time ...**

* * *

**Chapter 30**

**EPOV**

I hated to leave Bella behind; it felt unnatural to be flying away from her when all I wanted was to have her in my arms. Still, it was necessary to get everything in order so I could be with her permanently. We would be taking baby steps, not jumping into living together or anything. We would date, have joint sessions with Irina, and I would hopefully continue my individual sessions with Jasper via webcam.

Still recovering from jet-lag, it was early evening when I was woken from a nap by Alice's voice shouting up the stairs. "Edward, get your high-tailing, soon-to-be-British butt down here!"

I laughed and threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt before bounding down the stairs to where Alice was waiting. She threw her arms around me and squeezed me tight.

"I'm guessing you spoke to Bella then?" I said.

"Yeah. I'm so psyched for you, Edward," she whispered. "I'll miss you like hell, but I want what's best for my family … and with my job, I'm always travelling. You've got to do what's right for you."

"Thanks, sis. Come on, let's go find Mom and Dad and talk about it."

We found them outside on the terrace, Carlisle grilling some food on the barbecue and Esme setting the table.

"There are my babies," my mother crooned, as Alice and I fetched a beer from the outdoor fridge.

"You're leaving," Carlisle said. It wasn't a question.

My mouth opened and closed like a goldfish, making my father laugh and pat me on the back. "It's written all over your face, son."

I instantly felt guilty. "Yes," I sighed. "I'm leaving. Apart from you guys, I have nothing keeping me here. And as much as I love you all, Bella owns my heart. We would have to move out of New York anyway, and she's at home there. It's a fantastic place; the pace of life will suit us both. I'd be lying if I said it was a difficult decision."

"I understand, Edward, and so will your mother."

"What will I understand?" Esme asked, appearing at our side.

I looked to my father and he smiled encouragingly.

"Bella and I have spent a lot of time talking," I said. "We really want to give our marriage a go; we'll keep up our individual therapy and also go to couples counselling …"

"So, you're moving?"

"On a trial basis, yes. My heart lies wherever Bella is." I looked up at them. "We'll probably come back to the States for a few months every year, and you can visit, too. We can Skype and talk all the time …"

She put her hand on my arm, her smile wide even though her eyes were glistening. "You don't need to justify yourself, sweetheart."

Carlisle nodded. "We'll miss you, son, but it's important you follow your heart. I know if it were your mother, I would follow her to the ends of the earth. Of course we support you."

"We just want you to be happy, Edward," my mother said. "Both of you. We couldn't be more thrilled you two have decided to give your marriage a go."

.

~AMM~

.

In the days that followed, I began to get everything in order. I applied for a tourist visa, and made phone calls to the bank, to the phone company, to my lawyers. I spent time with my parents, with Alice, and with Luka. He was pleased I was going to be with his Auntie Bella; he was much more mature than his four years.

I spoke to Bella every night on the phone, of course. She called me crying one night because she had read my first letter, and so began a nightly tradition of real, open, and at times, painful communication. We were both determined not to bury things ever again. Some may have thought my move was rash, but it was really 'sink or swim' time for Bella and I, and we couldn't repair our relationship with an ocean between us. Email, phone calls, and Skype were all well and good, but they were no replacement for face-to-face communication. At times we both had doubts and worries, but that was to be expected. What we were both sure of was our love for each other. Some say love isn't enough, but it's a good fucking place to start in my book. Throughout the day, though, Bella and I would send funny and romantic texts and emails, which was light relief from the heavy conversations we would have nightly.

I had been back for two weeks when Emmett called me and asked me to go meet him for a drink. It was the first time we had been around each other without Luka since the time he hit me, and while we were civil, things were still strained.

"Good to see you, Emmett," I greeted, as I walked into the Long Island bar, finding him seated in a booth with two bottles of beer for us.

He nodded. "Edward."

"How are you? And Rose and Luka?"

"We're all great. Luka's getting ready to start pre-K; he's so excited."

"I can't believe that's here already," I said.

He laughed. "You're telling me. Hopefully soon he'll have a little brother or sister."

"Are you and Rose trying?"

"Yeah, we decided now that our little buddy's ready for school, it's a good time."

"That's great." I sipped my beer as silence fell upon us.

"I spoke to Bella," he said finally.

I looked at him, nervous of his reaction.

"Relax ... I'm not gonna hit you. I can only speak for myself, not my wife, but I've given it a lot of thought, if Bella is trying to forgive you, then I'm going to do the same."

Did I hear him right? I don't know what I had been expecting, but that certainly wasn't it.

"All I want is for my sister to be happy," Emmett continued. "Part of me still hates you for what you did, but if you are the one to make her happy, who am I to argue? It will only cause problems, and I would never put Bella in a position where she has to choose between us. So, I think we should behave like adults, and try and move past this."

"Thank you," I said. "I'd like that, and more importantly, Bella will like that. I know my actions haven't always shown it, but she is my whole world."

"I can tell. But this isyour last chance, Edward," he said, his demeanour darkening. "God help you if you ever hurt my baby sister again. Don't make me kill you ... I rather like my freedom."

"You won't have reason to, Emmett. I don't expect you to believe me. I've given you no reason to, but I would rather die than hurt Bella ever again. I _will_ be the man she deserves."

He appraised me for a minute before nodding. "When are you going?"

"I thought I'd surprise her for her birthday," I said.

"Sounds like something you'd do," he said, chuckling. "Don't worry ... I won't say anything."

It had looked like my visa wasn't going to come through on time for my plan, so I told her I would be there by the end of the month, but began sorting out the things I wanted to take with me anyway. It was a surprise to find it had suddenly come through on the eighth, and I knew immediately what I was going to do.

I called the airlines and booked a flight on the afternoon of the twelfth, which would get me to Bella for the morning of her birthday.

The night before I left, Carlisle and Esme threw an impromptu farewell party for friends and family. Rose, Emmett and Luka were there, as was Angela, and even Jasper, who I noticed kept making sheep's eyes at my sister from across the terrace, who was doing the exact same thing.

"You know, you could just go talk to her," I said.

"Who?" he asked, feigning ignorance.

"Tiny little thing, black hair, won't look away from you?"

"Ha ha, you think you're so smart," he said. "But on this occasion, you might be right." He laughed and wandered over to Alice, reaching for her hand in the fashion of a Southern gentleman.

"We're going to head off, Edward," Emmett said. "Gotta get this little one in bed."

On cue, Luka began tugging on my jeans. "Unca E, will you take me to see another soccer match in England?"

"Of course!" I exclaimed, crouching down to his level.

"Yay! I going to miss you, but you make Auntie Bewwa smiley. I like it when she's smiley."

"So do I, little man."

"Will I see you on the scween too?"

"Sure will," I said. "You can tell me all about school."

He nodded and gave me a blinding smile before wrapping his arms around my neck. I would miss him lots, but we would be back.

Rose gave me a nod and a fierce warning look before Emmett came forward to shake my hand. "Good luck ... I guess we'll see you for Thanksgiving. Give Bella a hug from us."

"Thanks, Emmett. Will do."

He scooped a tired Luka up, and I held my palm out for a high five. "I'll see you soon, buddy. Be good."

He slapped his little hand to mine. "Bye, Unca E."

As the party wound down, I said my goodnights and headed upstairs, passing a cosy-looking Alice and Jasper in the foyer on my way. That night, I went to sleep knowing I was closing another chapter in my life, and was about to open a new one.

.

~AMM~

.

I had checked in, and now Alice, my parents and I were saying our goodbyes before I went through to international departures. I had spoken to Bella earlier in the day and she told me she wouldn't be able to make our phone date this evening as she was going out with friends for her birthday. To be honest, I was relieved; I wouldn't have been able to lie to her about why I couldn't answer my phone, and the whole surprise would have been ruined. I would still be able to send her emails, though, so hopefully she would think I was still in the States.

"We'll see you in two months, son," Carlisle said, his own smile watery as he reached to hug me. "I'm proud of you."

"Thanks, Dad."

Next to claim me, was Esme. "Have a safe journey, sweetheart. We love you very much."

I hugged her tight. "You too, Mom."

Lastly was Alice. She was smiling, but tears were brimming over. "Gah!" she exclaimed. "I'm such a sap. I'll probably be in the UK in a couple of weeks!"

I laughed and hugged her, too. "Take care, Alice. I love you."

"You too, now get out of here!"

I pulled my passport and boarding card out, and turned, raising my hand in a wave. "Bye, guys!"

I walked through security, and headed back to claim my heart.

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**What did you think? Please review :)**


	32. Chapter 31

**Surprise post!**

**Thank you so much for your reviews! They mean so much! And thanks to A Jasper For Me for beta'ing.**

* * *

**Chapter 31**

**BPOV**

I spent the eve of my birthday with friends in our local pub. It was my kind of evening; no pretention or insincerity, just good conversation, good laughs, and good company with people who genuinely cared about me.

When Edward left to tie up loose ends in the States, it hit me hard. We had an awful lot to work through, and while I knew there were no guarantees, I was optimistic our relationship could be rebuilt. It wouldn't be long before he would be here, and I was ready. I was prepared to fight for us and I knew he was too. There was just too much love between us to throw it away without trying. I had begun to read the letters he had written since I had left, and I was taken aback by the level of honesty and outpouring of sheer grief, remorse and love in them. Edward had given me those pieces of his soul with no modifications or adjustments, just raw, unashamed emotion, no more and no less. He made himself vulnerable, showing me the good, the bad and the ugly. He laid bare his mistakes and shortcomings, and entrusted me with his heart and soul in good faith.

I woke quite early on my birthday, 9:00 AM, which was surprising, given I had indulged a bit the night before. I couldn't stop thinking of Edward; I missed him. He would be arriving within weeks, and I was ready to roll up my metaphorical sleeves. After I took a shower, I decided to read another of his letters … it helped me to feel close to him.

I pulled up a chair at the kitchen table and began to read.

_My dearest Bella,_

_Today is our wedding anniversary. Three years ago, I experienced the highest of highs when we both said 'I do'. The realisation that I got to spend the rest of my life with you sent me flying. I could see every moment: seeing you round with my child, a little girl running around a big yard, her innocent little doe eyes alight with joy and her brown hair trailing in the breeze, so very like her mother. I could see myself bouncing a baby boy on my knee as I watched you chase our daughter. I saw birthdays, Christmases, graduations … and you were always by my side. I only see these things in dreams now, before harsh reality creeps in when dawn breaks._

_I don't know if those images will ever come to fruition because of my reckless, despicable actions. Like every day, I place a kiss on my fingers and touch your exquisite face in the photo on my nightstand. I clutch it to my chest and realise I may never get to do more than this ever again. All because I was a pathetic coward._

_Today's date has hit me hard; it feels like I can't breathe without physically holding myself together. My tears are endless. I've read about heartache but this agony is indescribable, like I'm being ripped apart from the inside … how on Earth am I ever supposed to come to terms with what I did and what it has caused me to lose? You were everything that was good about me, Bella._

_I just can't reconcile the man I am today with the man I was six months ago. I can't bear to look in the mirror, knowing what I have done. I was so weak … I just want to scream and shout 'til I have nothing left in me. If you ever read this, I want you to know that callous, reckless, low-life of a man is dead. Dead and gone. In his place is a loyal, trustworthy man who has loved you since the dawn of time, and whatever happens, will love you for all eternity. For me, there will never be a question moving on. If that is what you so desire for yourself, I will respect that; I owe you that much, and I just want you to be happy. I would take this torture every second of every day if it meant you were happy again, because you are the only thing that matters. If you never come back to me, I will cherish every smile, every kiss, every touch … because I have been blessed to call you mine. Maybe someone like me never deserved to have someone like you forever._

_Take care, my love … my everything._

_My heart will only ever beat for you._

_Your Edward_

Tears were streaming down my face as I set the letter down on the table. There were tear stains on the paper from both me and Edward. I could literally feel his pain, his absolute disdain for the man he was, and the purity and strength of his love for me. His agony was abhorrent to me, no matter what had happened. He had made a horrendous mistake, but that did not define who he was. He was good and kind, and I wanted to reach out and comfort the man trapped within these pages in his own personal hell. He knew what his actions had cost him, me and us.

My phone rang, and I smiled at Edward's name. Until I realised it was 5 AM in New York, and began to panic.

"Edward?" I answered breathlessly.

"Hey, birthday girl. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just worried something was wrong; why are you up so early?"

"I couldn't wait to hear your sweet voice," he replied. "Are you sure you're okay? You sound upset."

"I was reading one of your letters," I told him honestly. "I miss you so much." A knock sounded at my door, and I went to answer it. "Hold on, someone's at the door. I'll get rid of them."

The words died on my lips as I opened it, finding my grinning, rumpled-looking husband gazing at me.

"I'm really hoping you won't get rid of me," he joked. "It's a bitch of a commute."

I stood there like a goldfish for a few seconds, before I launched myself at him, wrapping my arms around his neck and breathing in the scent that was imprinted on my mind. Tears of sadness at his letter and of elation at his arrival spilled over again.

"Hey, hey," he whispered soothingly, rubbing my back. "It's okay, Bella … I love you. I love you so much."

I pulled back to look at his face. We had yet to say those three words to each other since our reconciliation began. His eyes were swimming with vulnerability, sincerity, and pure adoration.

"It's okay," he said. "You don't have to say it back. I just couldn't not tell you. I never want to go a day without letting you know how I feel about you."

I gave a watery chuckle. "You silly man. I may be unsure and scared of a lot of things, but my love for you is not one of them. I love you, too."

We drew closer, our lips touching, softly at first then with more pressure. It was sweet, tender, and romantic, but still we kept it chaste. We may have had a long way to go, but we had a damn good place to begin.

.

~AMM~

.

Edward had already dropped his luggage off at the hotel where he would be staying while he found somewhere to rent. It wouldn't be difficult. Despite his assurances he slept on the plane, he soon grew drowsy over a cup of tea, and we cuddled up on the sofa for a late morning nap. There was nothing sexual about our contact, it was simply an expression of our re-discovered bond. We both needed to convince each other we were here, ready and fighting for us.

I woke before he did and I got on with a few chores. I spoke to Emmett, Rose, Alice, Angela, Esme and Carlisle as they all wished me a happy birthday. It turned out they all knew about Edward's surprise. My brother and sister-in-law had even gone to the leaving do. I was so pleased they were trying. There was no point in holding grudges anymore. Alice was quite taken with Edward's therapist of all people. I couldn't decide if it was interesting or awkward, but in the end I decided it didn't matter, I just wanted my friend to be happy.

"Hey," Edward's sleepy voice said as he came into the kitchen, stretching. "Sorry about that."

"Don't worry, you needed it. I had lots of phone calls while you were snoozing."

"That reminds me … I didn't think to ask if you had plans today. I'm sorry, I can leave if you'd like me to …" He looked sheepish.

"I saw my friends last night, so no, I don't have any plans. Do you want to go for some lunch?"

"Only if you let me pay, it is your birthday, after all."

I rolled my eyes. "Deal."

Edward wanted to go shower and change, so he left to go back to the hotel. For mid-September in England, it was surprisingly warm. I was determined to enjoy it, as soon the sun and warmth would disappear for another seven or so months.

I met Edward at his hotel and we took the ferry from the beach to the harbour. We ate outside a seafood restaurant; it was impossible to live in a seaside town and not enjoy the local produce. We chatted and laughed in a way we had never before. I think it came from a deeper understanding of each other, a mutual desire to succeed in rebuilding our marriage, and a vast change in the pace of life.

On the way back, I grabbed his hand and didn't let go. Edward was here, and if we were going to do this, we weren't going to do it half-assed. We were jumping off the cliff edge, feet first, but we were doing it together. We just needed to remember how to fly.

"Can I give you your present now, Bella?" he asked as we sat on my deck in the late afternoon sunshine.

"Edward, your surprise was more than enough."

He grinned. "Well, it's here now and I can't return it, so …"

"Go on then," I said with a chuckle. My humour turned to confusion when he lifted up his t-shirt- I knew we weren't _there _yet. But then I saw it; on the side of his ribs, there was ink. The skin was slightly red still, but the tattoo was plain to see. There was a beautiful entwined 'B' and 'E', under which was a quote. I leant forward to read it.

"'_I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love'." _My eyes filled with tears. "Oh, Edward … I don't know what to say. It's the most beautiful, thoughtful gift I've ever received … that you would mark your body for me …" I choked up.

"Hey," he said softly, taking my hands. "Marking my body is nothing, Bella. It's a shell without my soul, and _you _are what keeps that alive. I could mark every single inch of my body … but it would never compare to the way you are etched on my heart. It will only ever be you, Bella, and one day I will get you to believe me."

I sniffled and nestled into his side. He didn't know it, but really … he was the only one for me, too.

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**Aw. Thoughts? **

**Until Thursday...**


	33. Chapter 32

**Thank you my lovelies! And to the not-so-lovely 'guest' who said I didn't know anything about homosexuality/bisexuality, my last relationship was with a woman, so actually, I kinda do know something ;)**

* * *

**Chapter 32**

**EPOV**

Settling into life in England was easier than I'd imagined. Sure, there were some things I found really odd, driving included, but I was surprised how quickly I felt at home. Within two weeks, I found a great place to rent in town, a three-bed terraced cottage that had been modernised throughout. I guess it wasn't as 'homey' as Bella's own cottage was, but for me it served its purpose. I also bought myself a black BMW X3; Bella had been right, you really did need a car around here. I had spent a lot of time on my music, which was great, but I knew I would soon need something else, so I was looking into volunteering in a local hospital.

It was mid-October now, and things were going really well between us. That's not to say it was always easy, but we were getting stronger and closer all the time. We went on dates like a normal couple, or I took her for lunch when she was helping at the bookstore. Sometimes we would go for walks along the cliff tops, and others we would stay in, cook dinner and listen to music. We talked, cuddled, laughed, and shared chaste kisses, which were gradually becoming more heated, but I never pushed for anything further, even though I desired her desperately. I knew Bella was keeping a part of herself from me, and I didn't blame her for that. I wanted more than anything to alleviate her fears and doubts, but words can only do so much, it would be my actions that spoke louder.

Today, we were off for another joint counselling session with Irina. She was a great therapist and put me at ease right away; I had been nervous I would be treated (quite rightly) as the villain, but she seemed to want to help us both, not play the blame game.

I knocked on Bella's door, but there was no reply. After knocking a few more times, I was actually starting to get worried, but suddenly I heard the sound of her footsteps across the floorboards in her hallway. She came out with a corner of toast in her mouth, hopping as she put on her left sneaker. I raised a playful eyebrow.

"Don't," she said, her voice muffled. She took a bite and swallowed. "Morning from hell."

"Aw, I'm sorry, love." I leant forward and kissed her lips softly. She tasted of chocolate and butter; I almost moaned. Bella had her arms around my neck now, and I could feel every inch of her soft body pressed up against me, moulding to me. I knew I had to break the kiss or she would feel just how excited I was getting. "You drive me crazy, you know that?"

Bella's lips were glistening with moisture, her cheeks flushed and eyes a shade darker. "The feeling is mutual, Mr. Cullen."

I grinned at her, taking her hand in mine and guiding her to my car. Normally we would walk, but we were running a little late now. Our journey was short, but my nerves were growing. I always got this way before our sessions, as I knew we would be entering a state of heightened emotion, and a part of me was scared Bella would realise I wasn't worth it, that she didn't want _us _anymore. That was my greatest fear.

Once inside, Bella and I poured ourselves some water and sat side by side on the couch.

"So, how are you settling in, Edward?" Irina asked as she settled into her armchair.

I smiled. "It's great here. I'm loving it, it's a real change of pace, but one I really needed."

"That's good. And Bella, are you used to Edward being here now?"

"Yeah, he fits in perfectly here. It's surprising how seamlessly we have both blended into the community, I think."

Irina smiled warmly. "I'm pleased for you," she said. "You seem to have a good balance in your relationship, but today, I think we should really work on the trust issue. Rebuilding it requires understanding of our emotions. If you don't understand each other's feelings, you will try to make the other feel them, which naturally just feeds the cycle of pain, confusion, anger … all the emotions we have inside."

We both nodded.

"We are all entitled to feel how we feel," Irina continued, "and having a partner recognise those feelings is vital in rebuilding trust and gaining forgiveness. This isn't just something I advocate for when there are big problems; I want you to work it into your everyday relationship. It's about give and take ... offering your feelings, accepting each other's." She smiled kindly. "This isn't going to be easy; at times, it will bring painful memories and feelings to the surface. I am here to help you both. So … how have things been going between you since I last saw you?"

Bella and I exchanged a look. She was asking if it was okay to go first, so I gave her a smile and a nod.

"I think things are going well ... even better than I expected," Bella said. "We're taking the good parts of our relationship, the love and the friendship, and we're enjoying working on the rest. I know this was the right thing to do, and I know …" She paused, her face falling as she turned to me. "I know you're sorry. I can see it, feel it. And I know you love me. But I also know I'm holding back a part of me."

"Why is that?" Irina asked, peering over her glasses.

Bella was chewing her lip, and hunching in on herself. "I'm so scared."

"What are you scared of?"

My wife was sniffling now, and it felt like my heart was clenched in a vice. "I'm afraid if I completely let my guard down and let Edward in, and then he rips my heart out again … I don't think I could survive it."

I squeezed my eyes shut tight. Her fear was a valid one given my past behaviour, but of course it hurt to hear it.

"Bella, why don't you try explaining how you were feeling around the time of the infidelity? And you too, Edward. I know you have touched upon it, but no sugar-coating this time. This isn't designed to hurt either of you or make you feel guilty for anything, but as I said, understanding is a basis for trust."

Bella looked at me, unsure she should continue.

"Go on," I told her, reaching over to squeeze her hand. "It's okay. I need to hear it."

She nodded, shutting her eyes and taking a deep breath. "I felt like I was losing you long before it happened. The arguments, comments, the lack of sex … you weren't the Edward I knew anymore, and it devastated me. I was mourning the man I was in love with, because though you were still there physically, you were a different person. It was like he had died."

She was right, I was different then. I was so consumed with anger and petty jealousy. And I was weak. God, was I weak.

"All I wanted to do was come home from a job, where all anyone cared for was my physical attributes, and be with my husband who supposedly loved me for me," Bella continued. "But you were emotionally unavailable, never wanted me, in the end you couldn't … you know. That was so soul-destroying to know I was so repellent to you."

"Bella, no!" I exclaimed. "You were _never _repellent. You have always been the most beautiful, sexiest woman in the world. I was too filled with my frustrations, inadequacies and guilt. _That _was the problem. All I would think about was how awfully I was treating you, but I took the coward's way out and carried on being a dickhead. I was arrogant and my pride was hurt."

"What about my pride, Edward?" she asked, tears coursing down her cheeks. "My pride and self-esteem weren't just hurt, they were fucking obliterated that day. I've never felt so devastated … so betrayed, used and _broken._ First to put up with being treated like a piece of meat again, then coming home and … and … seeing …"

She couldn't go on, and I found myself crying with her. I bowed my head, utterly aghast at myself.

"How are you feeling right now, Edward?" Irina asked.

"Just … disgusted. Wretched. It's agony to know how much pain I caused." I turned to my wife. "But Bella, please, if you don't ever believe me about anything else, please believe this wasn't a reflection on your looks or attractiveness or anything like that … it's so cliché to say, but it really wasn't you."

"Edward, try to explain to Bella how you felt around that time. You've said before you felt neglected."

I shook my head. I felt like I didn't have a right to say anything. "This is my fault … yes, we should have spoken, but right now I'm struggling to see how telling Bella my pathetic excuses is going to help. It doesn't matter how neglected I might have felt. I'm the one who made the mistake. I'm the one who broke my wife's heart. I'm the one …" I choked up, unable to finish. "Excuse me, I need some air."

**.**

**BPOV**

**.**

Watching Edward beat himself up killed me. I thought we were making progress, but deep down, he was still trapped in that prison in which he had incarcerated himself. Forever watching through iron bars, forever hearing the key lock at night. He had passed sentence on himself and had gotten the maximum term. Did that mean I had too? Would those bars forever separate us?

I looked to Irina as my husband disappeared out the cottage door. "Give him a minute, Bella. Edward needs to be able to tell you how he felt, or you'll both fall into old behaviours of not communicating. It's his guilt that is preventing him feeling whatever he is feeling, so let's just give him a minute to sort through his feelings."

After giving Edward a few minutes to compose himself, I went out to find him. I could have let Irina go, she was the trained therapist after all, but I was his wife and he needed me. What's more, I needed him just as much. My heart splintered at the sight before me. He had sunk down against the wall, his arms and head on his knees, as his body shook with sobs. Slowly, I sat down beside him, rubbing soothing circles on his shoulder.

"I'm here, baby," I said. "Just because we're going through the tough bits, it doesn't mean I'm going anywhere."

"I'm sorry," he cried. "Some days … some days I do okay, but when I see your tears, your pain, hear it, feel it … those are the times it just eats me up inside. It was my fucking job to make sure you never hurt … and I failed you."

"We can't live in the past, Edward. The only reason you need to know how I was feeling is so we can move forward. Will you try to explain how you felt? Because we need to learn from our mistakes. Not communicating got us here."

He nodded, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. "I just felt like a spare part … I didn't read the signs telling me you needed me, instead all I saw were the long hours, the shoots, and your apparent happiness with it all. It is a pathetic excuse for me pulling away from you, and even more pathetic for what I did, but I just lashed out instead of trying to talk to you. That's what I've always done well ... pretended things aren't happening and hoped they'd go away. I don't want to do that anymore."

As his words sank in, for the first time, I really felt I could see it from his side. Not that I was condoning it in any way, but I had to ask myself: if Edward was a world-famous model that women drooled over half-naked, was always jetting off and missing events leaving me home alone, if he wouldn't talk to me properly, and I had a friend I found attractive who was also manipulating me, as I highly suspected that bastard had done to Edward, could I say without a shadow of a doubt I wouldn't have made the same mistake? I didn't _think _I would have, but Edward didn't think he was capable of it either. The fact was, I couldn't say with 100% certainty that I wouldn't have done something equally wrong, because I hadn't been in that situation.

"I don't want to do that anymore either," I said. "I want to be open and honest. Always."

His glistening eyes looked at me long and hard. "Always."


	34. Chapter 33

**So, this chapter eluded me for a time, but when it did come it surprised me. It is in fact the last regular chapter of A Model Marriage. I'm not going to write chapters of filler just to extend it, but there will be at least one big epilogue coming in future (not sure exactly when). Big thanks to all reviewers throughout this journey for your continued support. Mwah! And to the amazing A Jasper For Me for beta'ing!**

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**Chapter 33**

**BPOV**

After that particularly emotional session with Irina in October, things continued to improve between me and Edward. We were comfortable with each other in a way I don't think we ever had been before, and though we still lived apart, we saw each other every day. That didn't mean we lived in each other's pockets though—we both had our own interests and time just for ourselves. I was increasingly dabbling with writing fiction, which was incredibly cathartic, and I was looking into the possibility of doing more studying as well.

Edward was volunteering with a local children's charity. It wasn't an easy task—he said while it was rewarding, it could also be heartbreaking. Sometimes he would come home with a beaming smile on his face, other times glum, but we dealt with it together. Either way, I could tell he was miles happier than with his high-pressured city job.

Our families—yes, both sides—were arriving in two days for Christmas, and I couldn't wait. Edward and I were having a private little Christmas before they got here, and today we were off to get a tree … that was if he ever got ready.

"Bella, is my blue shirt at your place?" Edward called from upstairs. Yeah, we may not be living together, but he had spent enough—innocent—nights at my house to have left clothes. Now that it was winter, sometimes it was nice to curl up with some wine in front of the fire in the evenings without having to walk home after. Nights like that were heaven, and though I understood Edward's apprehension in taking things further between us, I was slowly going mad. He wasn't the same man who broke my heart, he was different—_we _were different—and I yearned for his touch.

"Yes, it's in the laundry pile!"

Being together, loving each other, was second nature to us, and I was more than ready for the physical side. It had taken time, tears, and gut-wrenching honesty, but I finally trusted him not to break my heart again. At the end of the day, there were no guarantees in life. I knew Edward was the one to make me happy, the one I wanted to spend my life with. He had done everything I had asked and more to prove himself, and he was holding out his hand and asking me to jump with him. I didn't hesitate to take it.

After another ten minutes, I finally heard Edward's footsteps rush down the stairs.

"Jeez, what took you so long?"

He laughed, kissing me tenderly on the lips. "I need to do laundry apparently."

"You can do some while I make a start on dinner tonight."

"I'm more than happy to take you out, love. That's what you deserve."

"Edward, I want to treat _you _for once." And I had a surprise, private Christmas present to give him.

"Well, if that's what the lady wants." He kissed me again. "Are you ready to go?"

I grinned at him. "You bet."

We drove to a local garden centre with a huge array of trees. I had decorations, but I still wanted to pick out some with Edward. I had a feeling he didn't really care about which baubles we chose, but he indulged me anyway. Choosing a tree was not as simple as it sounded. Or maybe I was just extra picky. Still, as I deliberated and changed my mind again and again, Edward just looked on, amused. He had a mini, artificial tree for his place, but the real one was going at mine—after all, that was where we spent most of our time.

With old Christmas tunes from the likes of Bing Crosby crooning out from the iPod dock and a crackling fire in the grate, we dressed the tree with strings of clear lights and red and gold tinsel.

"_I'm dreaming of a White Christmas_ …" I sang—badly, I might add.

Edward chuckled, carefully adding another gold bauble to a branch. "You're so cute."

"Says the man in a Santa hat."

He grabbed me by the waist, tickling me playfully. "You love it."

"That I do." I turned to kiss him, moaning at the delicious taste of chocolate and cinnamon on his lips. When we broke apart, his eyes were dark with desire, and I knew tonight would be the night.

.

.

When Edward had gone home to do laundry, shower and change, I began beautifying myself. The steaks were marinating, the vegetables chopped, and table set. There wasn't even a hint of nerves as I showered, just excitement and anticipation.

I slipped my crimson V-neck dress over my lingerie, pleased with the effort I had made and the consequent results. But more important than my loosely curled hair, my make-up or my figure-hugging dress? My eyes were sparkling again. They were full of hope and happiness.

Downstairs, the fire was burning low, so I added some more wood and coal to it, and opened the bottle of Merlot to breathe. When the knock on the door sounded a few minutes later, I wiped my hands on a dishcloth, grinning like an idiot to the empty room.

"Edward," I said, the smile evident in my voice as I opened the door. He looked divine as always, dressed in black pants and a grey pea-coat.

He held out a Christmassy bouquet of flowers, which would make the perfect finishing touch to the festive living room, as he appraised me. "You look stunning, love."

I took the flowers from him, and he kissed my lips sweetly. I couldn't fight my smile as I stepped back to let him in. Yes, it was time.

**EPOV**

Taking things slow the past two months had almost killed me, but there were worse things than going without physical gratification. I definitely knew that, but I also knew Bella was equally desperate to take things further. We had discussed health issues and birth control, and we knew it was looming. There was a buzz of anticipation in the air tonight, and we were both so happy. All our hard work was paying off.

We sat to eat by candlelight at the beautifully set table, and I moaned through every bite of the melt-in-your-mouth steak. "Christ, this has to be the best thing you've ever cooked."

Bella giggled. "You say that every time I cook for you."

"Yeah, well this time, I _really _mean it."

"I'll have to try and beat this with my turkey next week." Her eyes twinkled over the dancing flames. "Are you looking forward to seeing everyone?"

"I can't wait. I mean, here feels like home, but I still miss them."

She nodded. "I do, too. It'll be a good Christmas."

"It's already the best."

Bella ducked her head, almost shyly. "I have something I'd like to give you tonight actually."

"You didn't need to get me anything, baby. I already have everything."

"Well, technically, it involves _you _giving _me_ something."

I frowned. "I'm confused."

She smiled at me. "We've come so far, Edward. We both know how hard these last eighteen months have been, but I think we've come out stronger. No, I _know _we have." Getting up to walk around the table, she took my hands in hers. "But something's missing."

I felt my heart drop to my feet, all the blood rushing from my face.

Bella gasped. "Oh baby, no! I'm sorry, it's nothing bad."

I let out a sigh of relief. "What's missing, then?"

"My rings, Edward." Her smile was beatific. "I know you keep them around your neck, but I feel lost without them now."

"You don't want new ones?" I asked.

She shook her head.

"In that case …" I stood up, fishing the chain from around my neck and unfastening it. When I slid the rings into my palm, I slowly dropped to one knee in front of her. "Bella, my love … now that I know what it's like to live without you, I never want to be apart from you. Will you do me the honour of wearing these rings as a sign of our unbroken bond?"

Bella grinned at me with glistening eyes. "Yes. But first, let me say one more thing."

I nodded for her to continue.

"I forgive you, Edward."

My mouth dropped open, my heart pounding in my chest. Could she … ? Did she … ? Overwhelmed with emotion, I slid the rings onto her finger, rising up to capture her lips in a searing kiss.

"_Baby,_" I murmured against her lips. "You don't know how …" I choked up, unable to continue. Bella just kissed me, understanding this was a massive moment. To have earned her forgiveness was something I hadn't even dreamed of. "God, I love you."

"I love you too," she breathed. "Take me upstairs, Edward?"

I swallowed thickly, placing one more kiss on her lips before leading her to the stairs. In her bedroom, the lamps were on low and fairy lights were strung up over her mirror. She put her hands on my shoulders, and I rested my forehead against hers, our mouths almost touching. "Are you sure? We don't have to-"

She silenced me with a finger to my lips. "I want to. I'm ready."

In that moment, I felt it. She was ready. I was ready. _We _were ready. I brought my lips to hers with the softest of touches, sliding my arms up and down her back. One kiss, two kisses, three … I gently sucked on her bottom lip as I tentatively found the zipper and slid it down. She broke our kiss to step out of her dress, letting it pool at her feet. I stared in wonder at the curves of my wife clad in a black lacy bra and panties set.

"You are so beautiful," I murmured, and went to capture her in a tight embrace, letting her feel my hardness. She wound her arms around my neck, our kisses sweet and sensual. The taste of her on my tongue was nirvana as she consumed my every sense. In the low lighting of the bedroom, we undressed each other reverentially, savouring each inch of skin revealed to us in silence apart from our gentle moans and the sound of our mouths moving in sync.

When we were both naked, I laid her down on the bed, her hair fanned out around her. She was a bona fide Aphrodite, and I would make her feel the love I held for her in my heart.

I lay beside her and caressed and stroked the soft skin of her shoulders, down to the swell of her beautiful breasts that called to me like a siren song. As I moved my mouth to lavish them with open-mouthed kisses and licks, she ran her hands ever so softly through my hair, conveying the love she felt too. We were rediscovering each other, showing the extent of our love with our bodies. It was a beautiful thing.

I sucked and rolled her hardened nipples between my fingers, trailing my mouth lower and showering her stomach with kisses, lower, nibbling her hipbones and licking down to her slick, warm folds.

Tracing lazy circles on her inner thighs with my fingertips, I began to drop kisses to her sex, pleasuring her with my tongue, softly, slowly, until she arched her back and cried out in bliss, flooding my mouth with her sweet arousal. I would never get enough.

I slowly made my way back up her body, gently kissing her fluttering eyelids, her nose, up her jaw, and finally to her lips where she could taste herself. All the while, her hands explored me, tracing my biceps and forearms, my abs, lightly caressing my arousal.

Positioning myself at her slick entrance, I looked deep into her eyes, seeking any trace of hesitance, any doubt, but all I was met with was acceptance, lust and love.

"I love you," she murmured, stroking my cheek tenderly. "I need to feel you."

I kissed her once again, and without looking away, slowly pushed inside her. We both moaned, the overwhelming sensations combined with the emotions of connecting once again. We fit perfectly. Our bodies began to move together, our gaze always locked as I thrust and she met my hips.

"God, Edward," she moaned, throwing her head back as she wrapped her legs around my waist. "So good!"

"I know, love. You feel amazing … so tight … so wet … so _warm._" I brought my lips down to her neck, tasting the salty sheen of sweat mixed with the sweetness of her body lotion.

As our moans and groans grew, I thrust into her harder, faster, being rewarded with whimpers and mewls from the beautiful angel underneath me as she fluttered around my length. The tension in my abdomen was growing with every second.

"So close," Bella breathed. "God, so close!"

I slipped my hand in between us and began circling her swollen clit. "That's it, love. Let go, Bella."

"Ungh! Edward!" she screamed, clamping down on my cock.

"Bella!" I yelled, feeling my orgasm creep over me. "I love you!"

We rode out our climaxes together, as close as any two people could be. In that instant, we were one again. I rested my head on her chest, the emotions suddenly hitting me like a tidal wave. I never thought I would get a chance to love her again, and the happiness I felt was threatening to overwhelm me, tears clouding my vision.

"I love you too, baby," Bella murmured, running her fingers  
through my hair.

When I was sure I wouldn't bawl like a baby, I rolled off her and pulled out, immediately sad at the loss. I held my wife to my chest, lifting her hand to my lips so I could kiss her rings. The euphoria I felt in that moment was less to do with my recent climax, and more to do with the fact I had my own little piece of perfection right there with Bella in my arms. Everything was right with the world as we lay there in a state of utter contentment, the way it was supposed to be: together.

The End

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**So, as I said, there will be an epi or two to be posted in the near future. Big thanks once again! Please review. *Waves***


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